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Sex, drugs, and divorce


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Oh my, where to begin. To say the least my life has been less than stable. First off, to clear any pronoun or gender confusion, most of the people involved in this story are trans. 

 

Last summer I was in a very tumultuous open relationship with a girlfriend and my husband. All three of us were dating the other two. It's a long story, but things went downhill, and really came to a head in September, where I had a series of colossal fights with them, which led to the eventual breakdown of the relationship. They are still together, but I am single again. I spent about a month living with my dad, and then I have moved back in with them until I can save up the money to put down a deposit and move into my own place. It's less than ideal, but we all try our best to be civil while I live with them another month. Still, it can be painful at times being a 3rd wheel in a household that used to belong to my spouse and I. I can see myself being friends with them in the long run, but for now, God, I gotta get out of this house.

Life hasn't been all bad though. I've resumed taking classes, and this summer I will have a 2-year college degree(only took me 9 years!). Last November I finally came to terms with the fact that I am transgender, and begun taking hormones. I have loved the changes they have brought and don't regret my decision for a second. I only regret not doing it sooner. If it still says "male" in my profile it's because I have been too lazy to change that. 

And here is where things get a little tricky. In one way I'm glad to be broken up with ex husband and gf. It has definitely reduced some of the stressors in my life. But, I think now that it's been a few solid months, the loneliness has set in. There are definitely times where I miss the companionship. And the sex if I'm being honest. So one day I'm visiting a city a few hours up north where some friends live. They are, like my last relationship, a queer open couple. Let's call them E and C. C I have been friends with since high school, we've known each other forever. He is a woman who recently came out as trans to me. (we tend to find each other lol) E is his partner. I just met her back last summer. She is transgender, like me. Over the past few months she and I have really hit it off. Eventually I told my friend and her partner C that I am quite attracted to her. It still feels a little weird to tell your friend of 11 years you dig their partner, but I've been honest and we've all been open and cool about it. 

Last weekend while C was out of town hiking in the mountains, I drove up and spent the weekend with E. We had a great time. Our sexual chemistry is amazing, and she is a delightful person to hang out with and talk for long stretches of time. At one point lying down next to her I broke down, and confessed that I have a major crush on her, but don't feel the capacity to get involved in another comitted relationship in my life. She smiled and told me that's okay, and it's okay to have those feelings for someone without expectations of it turning into a relationship. She then said she feels the same way. I had forgotten how much I miss, and have craved, that kind of close human contact. Physically and emotionally. But I worry am I moving too fast?

And then I smoked garden shrub that weekend. I was having such a good time, I wanted to take something to make me forgot all the negative that happened in the past, and unwind. Then come tuesday morning at my work I get sprung with a random drug test. I am panicking. I won't know the results until today at the earliest, friday at the latest, but I'm stressed and scared. My job actually has a pretty progressive policy towards substance abuse. If it's a first time offense, you are allowed to consult a rehab program, and allowed to return to work when you've completed it. they even let you use your sick time so you won't miss a paycheck. But it's still scary. I don't know how it will change how my coworkers look at me, and right now the thought of going through rehab sounds daunting. Though, despite everything that's been going on in my life, it may be a positive healing experience.

 

Soooo, all that said, my life is turning into this roller coaster of big highs and lows, my hormones are changing, my life is changing, and I'm afraid of going down a wreckless path and doing something really stupid in this emotionally fragile state I'm in. Any thoughts or advice?

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Hi jman, just letting you know youve been heard. I dont know what to say or how to help. It does sound like being with someone would help you but i urge you to wait until you feel you are really ready. Youve been through do many changes and more hormonally. Having more relationship complications would be so much more difficult.

I am so sorry things are so hard right now and that i could be more help to you. :(

Natasha

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Thank you for the reply! Sorry for the snarkiness. I agree with you. The idea of dating this person seems appealing to me, but I think a lot of why stems from my missing the human contact from my last relationship. I don't even move out of living with my ex until the end of this month, so yeah, I definitely haven't moved on past this relationship. It's the less sexy option, but right now I need to focus more on centering my life and moving past my ex.

Thank you for the reply, Natasha!

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