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MCMG

Hey again; a revival and an explanation.

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If you can look at my previous post I had mentioned that I was going to commit suicide via drowning, however, out of desperation I had confined this to my Nbro who just grilled and verbally chewed the out of me and made me in a worse position than before yet somehow didn't feel like chickening myself anymore, but rather make something of my life to prove them wrong but I do not know how far will that take me, all this talk about motivation and discipline just make me cringe and angry because I do not have either of those things. My Nbro basically went with all the 'you are such a weakling' 'suicide is for pussies' and I have BEGGED AND BEGGED my parents for therapy and support and they just laugh at my face telling me it's all in your head and that all you need is a good whacking (damn South Asia culture) and even the friends I once knew I could confine in bailed me the second I began talking about it and the family friends just told me to 'go pray to God' which has become a codeword or slang for me that translates to 'I do not give a about you and your problems enough so please take your worries to some deity that probably doesn't even exist'.

So why am I back? Well, isolating myself as much as I could from my parents proved to be much more beneficial than I thought, it's amazing how limiting exposure to toxic people improves your mood. However, you do need a social support nevertheless and I couldn't think of a better place than this.

As of now I've begun learning Portuguese and exercising in hopes of escaping them but I seriously do not know what to do in the future, I plan to somehow moving to Brazil where I can study because it's on the other side of the world from my parents and that it's an emerging economy so maybe it can't be that bad since things are improving I suppose. So I constantly isolated myself but I soon realized that I needed a support group or system somewhere or somehow, can't be alone forever and my family sure as hell won't be one.

I can with confident say that I no longer have depression but that doesn't mean I still don't have to deal with my piece of family and their games, but I deal them in a much better manner now and am looking forward to the future instead of lamenting the past (but the past always matters!).

However, sometimes i do have to stay home and just manage with them because of certain reasons in your mind, like you feel comfortable and attached to it but leaving makes you feel awkward and what not, kinda difficult to explain, really.

The next step for me is University but I am stuck at this part because: 'My father is a narcissistic you can say because he just cannot accept no for an answer and amongst other things that make one, he has terrible spending habits causing us to be in debt and that frustration, anger and sadness, he takes it out on me and his family whereas whenever he needs something for himself, he'll have all the money in the world for it so I'm just stuck here at home with him almost all the time, my daily routine after finishing high school consists of just waking up, making tea for him, doing absolutely nothing in the business he own but forces me to come there anyways and going back to sleep then repeat. I feel the potential being sucked out of me because I'm not being provided the tools to use to my advantage, the next obvious step is to go to University but my family has no money for it and I am trying to hunt for a job but just am unable to get one because I do not have the qualifications.

My mother is an enabler because the country/culture where I am from, woman/wives are just supposed to be absolutely submissive towards their husband's with no voice whatsoever so whenever I ask, actually beg her for help she just tells me that she cannot do anything about it as she is just a woman and that my father is the 'man of the house' and gets to do whatever he wants to and punishes, shushes me for speaking against him as he can apparently do no wrong;.

That's the message I sent to the police and an abuse shelter in my current country (Dubai, UAE) and it has been more than 2 days and no response so far.

Like, even getting a small job is pretty ****ing difficult and hard these days whether it'd be picking up cardboard boxes for recycling or delivering newspaper are so scarce now that it's hard to imagine what will be the future of me and this country.

I read a comment somewhere here that when being raised by narcissistic parents the only 3 things that could happen is: 1) becoming a narcissistic yourself. 2) Curl up and in a ball of void of anything and keep taking hits from them. 3) Go No Contact.

As of now, my situation is at number 2 but I am working in ways I do not even know how at number 3.

Thank you for reading and have a nice day :)

And I'm not sure whether or not I can be taken seriously from now on because of the previous post and it's totally okay if you do not want to believe me dear reader.

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Hi MCMG,

First, thank you for sharing your story.  I am glad to hear that you are beginning to make plans for yourself and look at aspects of your life more positively, in spite of ongoing stressors related to your job dissatisfaction, desire to attend University, and the relational issues with your father.

It is great that you recognize toxic relationships.  It can be difficult when cultural expectations and norms impact one's ability to remove him/herself from toxicity.  Regarding your interest in University, and I am unsure where you would like to attend, are there scholarships and/or opportunities for student loans that you could pursue?  I know this can be difficult for a variety of reasons, and family income can be a factor that may reduce opportunity for federal aid if the family earns above-average (which depends on the student's age in the United States).  These are things to consider, which will likely be different depending on where you are and where you would like to be for University.

What I have taken from your post is generally positive, with a few complex stressors that you are doing your best to manage for your own well-being.  Hang in there and keep your goals in mind - continue to do the research on ways to make them happen, and go from there.  I hope this response is somewhat helpful.  Keep us posted!

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On 1/27/2018 at 6:11 AM, PoeticProse said:

Hi MCMG,

First, thank you for sharing your story.  I am glad to hear that you are beginning to make plans for yourself and look at aspects of your life more positively, in spite of ongoing stressors related to your job dissatisfaction, desire to attend University, and the relational issues with your father.

It is great that you recognize toxic relationships.  It can be difficult when cultural expectations and norms impact one's ability to remove him/herself from toxicity.  Regarding your interest in University, and I am unsure where you would like to attend, are there scholarships and/or opportunities for student loans that you could pursue?  I know this can be difficult for a variety of reasons, and family income can be a factor that may reduce opportunity for federal aid if the family earns above-average (which depends on the student's age in the United States).  These are things to consider, which will likely be different depending on where you are and where you would like to be for University.

What I have taken from your post is generally positive, with a few complex stressors that you are doing your best to manage for your own well-being.  Hang in there and keep your goals in mind - continue to do the research on ways to make them happen, and go from there.  I hope this response is somewhat helpful.  Keep us posted!

Thank you for your reply but I do not live in USA so federal aid and student loans are non-existent for me, anything else you can suggest? As of now my situation is that I'm learning my driving license to increase mobility to job hunt; recently left a job because transport costs were chickening my wallet along with other expenses like food.

The response was helpful as it shows that somebody has taken interest in my situation so thank you :)

So, how's your day today?

Take care and have a nice day.

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Hey! I'm so proud of you that you no longer have depression! I've been trying to contact you but I've accidentally deleted my inbox haha and have no idea how to get the messages back so this is my last resort. I really am happy that your depression has gone now though as mine has as well, I really do hope you have the chance to go uni and don't give up looking for a job! 

Hope you had a nice day today x

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