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dorianzz

In Relationship with Depressed GF

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Hello Everyone,

My name is Dorian and I am new to this forum.  I am not sure if I am posting in the right spot so please forgive me and move it if need be.

I am personally not suffering from Depression but I have a girlfriend that is.  I am living overseas in Asia and met a Asian Girl online.  We took it slow and I went on a few mini vacations with her the first couple of years.  The third year we decided to try living with each other.  She wanted to move to my city and get a job and we would start a life together.
She had told me in the past that she suffered from depressions and sometimes on the phone she would get in these odd moods where she was extremely negative but on vacations with her I never saw any signs, she was always smiling, happy , friendly.  I dismissed her bad days as just missing me,  or perhaps over thinking things. I also knew she was not as well off as me and thought if she did have issues I could take her to better doctors here and see if we could find any problems.

Well it has been two months now and it has been very hard.  She has absolutely no energy most of the time so she won't work.  She is on a number of pills that she takes for depression and sleep.  She constantly is stressed out and can't stop thinking.  She thinks about what people think of her, she thinks about what her family thinks, she thinks about her son, she thinks about what people on facebook say, she gets stressed about everything.  Even the neighbor that sometimes plays music just a little loud.    She also faints a lot and constantly portrays a negative aura around her.  There are times when she breaks out of this and she is wonderful Smiles, sweet, wants to go out and do things but as the weeks went on this is become more rare. 

I have taken her to several doctors in my city.  At first the doctor was sure that it was a thyroid hormone issue but after an MRI and many many many tests they can't find anything wrong with her I have spent a lot of money trying to figure it out but we have had no success at all.  We are seeing a new psychiatrist that has given her more pills for depression and sleep, we actually went through three different types, the first made her so sick I had to take her to the hospital emergency room.

She in my opinion is totally addicted taking pills, she takes them for depression, sleep, headaches, stomachaches and so forth.  I personally do not like seeing her take so much and she often takes more of the pills when she cant sleep or is depressed.   I feel like she is two people.  The girl I feel in love with and this other girl that is the total opposite.  I want to help her but her negative energy is really starting to bring me down.

The plan was to have her move here.  I would work, she would work and than we would do things during the week, like a normal couple and try to have one day a week where we would go out and do something extra fun.  However, this is not the case at all.  I work at home as I am a digital nomad and she lies on the sofa either sleeping or reading her phone.  She is so negative about everything.  She doesnt want to meet new people, she doesnt like crowds, she doesnt like other people.  When she gets in her moods she is extremely mean to me.  I do everything for her, drive her places, food, offer to do things fun, buy her things but those are only temporary fixes.  When she gets in these moods nothing I can say makes her feel better.  She only focuses on negative.  She looks like the end of the world is coming and no matter what I do it seems I am the bad guy.  Than when she breaks out of this depression usually only for a small amount of time.  She is back to normal , sweet friendly and apologizes that she does this to me and that she is sick.

I don't know what to do.  Her depression effects me quite a lot.   I feel like I am a prisoner in my own home and anything i do will upset her.  She gets upset when I go out, but if I invite her she just sits there depressed.  She sends me this gut wrenching messages about how her life has no meaning, how no one sees her, how life would be better with out her and when she really gets in her moods she sends things like it would be better is I sleep forever, I should take all my pills to **** this pain.

I am at a point where I feel like she is dragging me into her depression but I feel guilty to let her go.  I want to help her but I am at a loss on what to do.  Doctors, Fun, Exercise, Drugs, nothing even comes close to working.  How can I spend the rest of my life with someone that seems to hate life so much.  I try so hard to be understanding and hold my feelings in as I do not want to upset her.  But the constant negative attacks on me sometimes I snap and get mad myself and I am not that kind of person.  I just bottle it all up.  If I try to explain my feelings she just makes it all about her. For instance i mentioned it would be good for her to work again, it will keep your mind busy and it will give us space, that just turned around to become I do not want her beside me when i work and I dont care about her.  I do not know to many husbands etc that have their wife sitting beside them for 8 hours a day while they work in a total depress state.  Of course I do not want that. 

In any case I have rambled on way to much, probably because I have so much swimming in my head and I do not know what to do. I feel obligated to help her but I am becoming extremely unhappy I guess you can say I am becoming depressed myself.  However, I know why i am becoming depressed it is because I am locked in this negative world that she seems to be trapped in. Oh yes one of the most terrifying things for me is I feel like if I do break up with her she will do something bad to herself, she has often mentioned that if I let her go that she would not know how to go on, and with the messages about how she wants to sleep forever etc.. it makes me worried that she might take her own life.  I am lost

Edited by dorianzz

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I can tell you are a very caring person who genuinely wants to help her and doesn't want to see anything bad happen to her. I know it might seem selfish, but have you considered discussing this with a counselor or a pastor? Maybe someone like that can help you identify your options and your obligations in a situation like this, where it seems you are putting in all of the effort. You can drive yourself insane trying to navigate through this problem alone. A professional might help you arrive at a strategy for dealing with this situation in a way that will allow you to help yourself while at the same time helping her.

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On 1/19/2018 at 1:31 AM, LookUp1430 said:

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can tell you are a very caring person who genuinely wants to help her and doesn't want to see anything bad happen to her. I know it might seem selfish, but have you considered discussing this with a counselor or a pastor? Maybe someone like that can help you identify your options and your obligations in a situation like this, where it seems you are putting in all of the effort. You can drive yourself insane trying to navigate through this problem alone. A professional might help you arrive at a strategy for dealing with this situation in a way that will allow you to help yourself while at the same time helping her.

Thanks we are actually seeing a psychiatrist , had 3 or 4 sessions recently.  However I find she (the doc) is more concerned about my GF which is fine, she should be more concerned with her.  But there is not a lot of talk on how I feel and how hard it is for me to handle her.  She is back home for a week which is giving me a break.  She actually had a meltdown at home as well where she went to the hospital than shut off her phone for two days, even her family didn't know where she went.  I had to contact the family and have someone go check on her to make sure she was okay.  Was stressful as she has never been out of contact with me for more than a few hours. She said she was depressed and wanted to turn her self off from the world for a while, though her face book photos of messages like I want to forever Sleep or people that are not depressed do not understand suicide.. those are the messages I got to see when she vanished, so of course I was worried

Our discussion lately is the future.  I can't continue supporting her 100% she needs to get a job but she says she can't as she is to weak and depressed.  We got an appointment when she gets back to see a new doctor, but honestly I have no idea about the future, I Wasnt expecting to take care of someone 100% and money and time to do this is just to much for me right now especially when the deal when she moved in was she was going to have her own life and job.

Her response to not working is love is not enough for you?  She loves to turn the tables on me and make it like this is my fault.

Thanks all

Edited by dorianzz

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On 1/18/2018 at 9:48 AM, dorianzz said:

I am at a point where I feel like she is dragging me into her depression but I feel guilty to let her go.  I want to help her but I am at a loss on what to do. 

Sometimes we do have to let people go in order to protect ourselves. You need to think about your own future, who's gonna help YOU when you end up depressed? She'll just go home to her family and you'll be stuck overseas with no money... I understand you love her but you can't help someone who's not trying to get better. Many people on here may disagree with me but having someone take care of you when you're depressed can even be detrimental in some cases, i sure as hell wouldn't have bothered getting back on my feet if I would have had the option to just stay in bed and have someone else worry about making money and paying the bills... Yes, there are times that depression can get so bad that people are completely unable to function but most of the time people DO manage to do the bare minimum when there is enough external pressure such as paying for an apartment, food, or taking care of kids. 

I obviously don't know your girlfriend but it almost seems like she let herself fall once she moved in with you... Kinda like "Why should I do those uncomfortable things now that someone is taking care of me?"

On 1/18/2018 at 9:48 AM, dorianzz said:

Oh yes one of the most terrifying things for me is I feel like if I do break up with her she will do something bad to herself, she has often mentioned that if I let her go that she would not know how to go on, and with the messages about how she wants to sleep forever etc.. it makes me worried that she might take her own life. 

NEVER stay with someone simply because they threaten suicide if you leave them. It's emotional blackmail of the worst kind and if they go through with it it's entirely on them. Your girlfriend is an adult, she can't make you responsible for everything in her life. If you're truly concerned about her safety call the police.

1 hour ago, dorianzz said:

Our discussion lately is the future.  I can't continue supporting her 100% she needs to get a job but she says she can't as she is to weak and depressed.  We got an appointment when she gets back to see a new doctor, but honestly I have no idea about the future, I Wasnt expecting to take care of someone 100% and money and time to do this is just to much for me right now especially when the deal when she moved in was she was going to have her own life and job.

Her response to not working is love is not enough for you?  She loves to turn the tables on me and make it like this is my fault.

No, love isn't enough. A relationship is supposed to be beneficial for both parties, it's give and take and at the end of the day you're supposed to feel better about yourself. Had you been married for 30 years then sure, the situation would be different but as of right now it's just you doing ALL the giving while she's draining your energy and finances, not OK. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner

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On 1/22/2018 at 2:42 AM, dorianzz said:

Thanks we are actually seeing a psychiatrist , had 3 or 4 sessions recently.  However I find she (the doc) is more concerned about my GF which is fine, she should be more concerned with her.  But there is not a lot of talk on how I feel and how hard it is for me to handle her.  She is back home for a week which is giving me a break.  She actually had a meltdown at home as well where she went to the hospital than shut off her phone for two days, even her family didn't know where she went.  I had to contact the family and have someone go check on her to make sure she was okay.  Was stressful as she has never been out of contact with me for more than a few hours. She said she was depressed and wanted to turn her self off from the world for a while, though her face book photos of messages like I want to forever Sleep or people that are not depressed do not understand suicide.. those are the messages I got to see when she vanished, so of course I was worried

Our discussion lately is the future.  I can't continue supporting her 100% she needs to get a job but she says she can't as she is to weak and depressed.  We got an appointment when she gets back to see a new doctor, but honestly I have no idea about the future, I Wasnt expecting to take care of someone 100% and money and time to do this is just to much for me right now especially when the deal when she moved in was she was going to have her own life and job.

Her response to not working is love is not enough for you?  She loves to turn the tables on me and make it like this is my fault.

Thanks all

Boy, that really stinks. I can tell this is taring you apart on the inside. Maybe asking your psychiatrist what your responsibility is would not be out of the question. At some point there has to be an effort on her part to want to change.

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Posted (edited)

Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to give an update.  Somehow I am still with my girlfriend but we do not live with each other anymore.  Been having a very hard time with this relationship.  She has her good days but things have not really improved in fact they have got worse.  She is staying with her mom now and we are actually far apart so only skype and phone calls are done right now.

I have to admit having her not here has made it easier when I am not talking to her but talking to her on skype an phone I always find difficult.  I have broken up with her 2 or 3 times now but it is always just temporary and the guilt brings me back.  Like I have said I care for her very much but even talking to her now makes me depressed.  I could be having a great day, happy, excited to talk to her but after a few minutes on the phone listening to how much she seems to hate everything about her life my day quickly turns to being unhappy to.

She gets upset a lot lately because I do not want to talk as long on the phone.  I keep on telling her I know she is battling depression but there is only so much I can take of 100% sadness coming my way.  If she was in better spirits, happier and did not focus on the negative aspects of her life then yes I would love to talk to her more, that is the person I fell in love with.

when I try to explain to her that it is not easy for me to hear someone talk about being depressed all day long that just seems to upset her more.  She is constantly sending me GIF Photos or little quotes she finds on the internet that are all about depression.  Sending me depressing things might help her but it certainly does not help me.

She is certainly pushing me away and she probably doesn't even realize it, I know that is common in depressed people.  Trying to explain my feelings never works though it always becomes about her, the guilt she places on me is so heavy.  I know the old her is in there somewhere but 4 years now , I feel with each passing day I am wasting my life being with someone that  at one point I had hope but that is quickly leaving me.

Plus not to mention money in the relationship is very tight and the constant flow of money out of my bank account as she visits different doctors, gets different scans, meets new doctors, new methods etc have destroyed all my retirement savings, used to have a very nice nest egg for the future but all gone which does not help my own state of happiness.

I feel like these last 4 years I been trapped in a prison cell, I do not see any time for release and I do not see any way to escape

Edited by dorianzz

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