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Help pls! Serious confusion over my sexuality that is taking over my life!!!


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Hi everyone,

I am a woman in my mid 20s who is also a virgin with no experience of dating (this is a choice I have made for non religious reasons).

I consider myself romantically attracted to real life men but I dont really form sexual attraction to anyone outside of my fantasies. In contrast, I feel no romantic or sexual attraction to real life women at all.

In the past a few times (maybe 1-3 times) I had active (meaning I was awake) romantic fantasies of being with celebrity women (actress and an athlete) and imagined being in a dating relationship (living together, kissing etc) and  I was turned on. Yet as soon as the fantasy was done I couldnt help but laugh at it because I have no real life attraction towards these women but I have been watching lesbian movies/content and maybe it got me curious at to what it would be like but it doesn't crossover to any real life desire.

My question is does actively fantasizing about being with these celebrity women mean that I am attracted to them? Yes/no?
 And if so how come in real life I feel no desire for them romantically or sexually? 

Pls if anyone can answer this one question as it been really hard working the complex situation out on my own as I have no knowledge on sexuality and I also have learning difficulties which mean that I can only comprehend basic Yes/No type of information. I tried reading stuff online and it only add to my confusion.
 
 I just want to figure this confusion out.This has really taken a toll on my life as it has led to a full identity crisis.I dont know who I am anymore. I am no longer the fun free spirited person anymore, I keep overanalysing if I like the celebrity women and then when I know I dont I keep thinking why did you get turned on about fantasizing about them then and then I keep thinking do I like other women I see everyday but the answer is NO but I cant figure out the fantasies and if they mean I am attracted to the celebrity women because I got turned on?
 
 
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Edited by bluey18
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If you're watching those movies and don't feel arousal and don't have any real life attraction toward women then that's a pretty good indication that you're just straight. Homoerotic dreams aren't unheard of in straight people... Heck, I've had dreams about cannibalism but it's nothing I'd ever want to try in real life, sometimes dreams are just that, dreams. Our subconscious processing things we've heard about or seen and exploring them in a safe manner. 

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15 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

If you're watching those movies and don't feel arousal and don't have any real life attraction toward women then that's a pretty good indication that you're just straight. 

Hey, thanks a lot for your reply and support. 

The thing is depending on my mood if I watch lesbian sexual content I can get aroused. In real life, no there arent any feelings towards women at all and I've analysed it for the past year and found that no matter how much I tried I couldnt connect the active fantasies to real life attraction to women. There is jsut nothing there.

So I know that I like men in real life at least romantically and have no desire to experiment with women in real life so I know that much about my sexuality. However, I can't hep but analyse why I have fantasized about people in a active way meaning not just some dream in my sleep but intentional fantasies. Can I ask those-the celebrity women I have actively fantasized about are real life people though, in that they do exist. So wouldn't it be classed as attraction since those women do exist and I have had active romantic fantasies about them that turned me on?

I know this whole topic may be really simple for many people but I really think my learning comprehensive problems prevent me most times from grasping simple things let alone more complex matters. That or I am waking around undiagnosed with a mental health problem because all this confusion has stopped me from living me life being comfortable in my own identity. I know identity may not matter to some people, but it really does for me as it makes me feel like I know myself. I can't just accept not knowing why I do things because then its living life in an unconscious state. If I liked women in real life, this whole issue would be much easier to deal with as I wouldn't be confused and could just be me.

Sorry for rambling...just wished this confusion would leave me.

Edited by bluey18
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I studied in school if you watch or see things before you go to bed

your mind will replay those things out in your mind.  I would suggest that if you stop looking at these lesbian

movies then eventually these desires of being with celebrities women would go away.

I have done some of these same things and it was very hard for me to get these images

out of my head until I mustered up enough strength to quit watching such movies.

I hope this helps you because what you feed yourself will in return feed you back. 

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Yeah it’s normal. Especially when you’re younger and starting to explore your sexuality. 

Most of my female friends have slept with women yet don’t consider themselves gay. Several of my male pals likewise- though it’s less common. 

Please try not to stress. 

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I really wouldn't worry about it as long as you don't have an urge to act on those fantasies. Even if you did it would be OK though, nothing wrong with being bi or gay.

People fantasize about all kind of sexual stuff that wouldn't turn them on in real life, sexuality is as much in your mind as it is a physical desire. There are even people that get aroused by crazy things such as tentacle porn comic books and yet they would never participate in something like that in real life. Fantasy and reality can be two completely different things... 

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Thank you all for your replies and support.

I think the cause of my confusion is reading so much stuff online. For example, I read somewhere that having romantic fantasies of the same gender (mine was more romantic than sexual) means that it indicates same gender attraction more than just sexual fantasies and then I analysed if I felt attracted to the two celebrity women that I romantically fantasized about in real life and I didnt feel anything and I still do not feel anything for them to the point that I havent fantasized about them for a long time (when I did it was 1-3 times and then it stopped being an interesting fantasy).

So I keep ruminating what attraction is and if being attracted to the two celebrity women a few times in fantasy but not feeling anything for them in real life is truly attraction?

At this point I am so confused that I dont even know if I am making sense. And I get the feedback on fantasies but are you all saying that real life feeling is what your sexual orientation is based on? I don't even know what I should base it on now. I have no desire for the two celebrity women in reall life or any women in real life but some conflicting stuff online said that being turned on and specifically thinking of these celebrity women means that I should come out a bi romantic and I dont have a problem with that at all but am i biromantic if I know I wont ever be with a woman in real life (because I have zero desire to be with a woman in real life including if the opportunity came up to be with the celebrity women and because this how I have felt all my life and whilst it could change, it hasn't).

I have taken up aot of peoples time so dont feel obligated to respond, im just rambling.

Edited by bluey18
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Bluey, sorry to hear about the confusion you've been having to deal with.  You mentioned that this confusion about sexuality has led to an identity crisis for you, which is understandable. But I would say that your identity should be based on the values that you hold and the things you believe in, not on who you happen to find attractive and in which way you find them attractive.  Sure, your sexuality is an important part of your life, but it isn't WHO you are.  You don't need to solve this problem of understanding your precise sexuality in order to find your personal identity, so I hope you can separate the issues of personal identity and sexuality moving forwards.

Regarding sexuality, I think trying to understand your own exact preferences is very difficult - especially if you have very little experience with romantic relationships.  Also, I think sexual preferences are a constantly changing thing for most people.  I would recommend that you just continue to be aware of the attractions that you feel, and seek to explore those attractions with others where possible in real life. It doesn't really matter who you find attractive or how; if you find someone attractive then it's an opportunity for you to experience positive things and learn more about your preferences.

 If you believe that you don't feel attraction to others in real life, then there may be some deeper reasons that you feel this way.  I'd be interested if this is how you feel because I feel somewhat similar at this point in my life, but I feel like my experiences are a bit unusual.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think what you described is pretty normal. Like others pointed out, sometimes what we fantasize about isn't necessarily what we would do in real life. 

Sexuality is fluid, and can be subject to change. And it's also pretty common for people to experiment or just imagine being the same sex. 

Feeling like you're going through an identity crisis is pretty understandable, but take a step back and remember that your sexuality is only one part of who you are :)

So, I guess to answer your initial question, no what you described doesn't make you a lesbian. I'm transgender mtf, and went through a phase experimenting with men just prior to transitioning, yet I wouldn't call myself "gay" by any means. 

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