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Today, I will receive a mental illness disability diagnosis from a psychologist.

I know this because yesterday met with the career counselor/social worker who had the report.

This is potentially a great thing.  I always thought this was out of reach.  Moreover, because I live in Washington DC (and have a law degree), I have learned that this bodes very well for eventually being able to obtain federal government employment.

I have a lot of work to do.  My life has been in free fall for quite a long time, and in stark financial crisis at least since losing my sales job last October.

I start a new private sector recruiting job next week, which I am mortally dreading, and have some good reasons to.

Since I've been job searching from home, stress has actually increased.  We have 3 young kids, and my 2 year old boy is, let's say, extremely high energy, and it often just feels like a madhouse.

Most of the past several months, I have been less suic idal than usual.  But it's back with a vengence.

I keep trying to set goals and advance on them.  But my ability to stay focused with any little distraction--let alone the huge ones seem to keep coming at me--is extremely poor, and I find myself most of the time believing there is really no hope.

I'm exhausted, without hope, and just barely surviving.  I'm certainly not building momentum or any security or stability for a family that I love, and this weighs on me every waking moment.  

The tiniest, fledgling belief in myself and my ability to overcome this, somehow remains, but seems to become still born each time I try to activate and use it.  It has become hard to know what the next right thing to do is.

I think it is:

- get ready for the new job next week (some reading, research, sleep routine improvements, mental preparation, probably checking work email inbox, etc)

-finish my federal govt resume

-do anything I can to try to improve our financial crisis (I tried to obtain temp employment to no avail)

 

Each of these seems like it's a Mountainous goal I have tried repeatedly and so far not succeeded in scaling.  I know some credit should be due for having very actively sought and secured a new permanent position and some other things.  I try to practice self-compassion unconditional self-regard acceptance Etc and try to return to CBT therapy in a book I've been going through.  I cannot say I've been anything close to consistent and it seems extremely laborious as well.  And I do frequently think that that the whole idea of depressed people having cognitive distortions May simply be a semantic way of describing depressive realism, meaning that depressed people.actually have a more accurate perception and ability to predict outcomes, as some substantial research has shown.

I suppose in the end this part probably comes down to a choice in what to believe.  And I keep choosing to believe positively at least trying to.

Edited by gandolfication

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