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He makes me feel unlovable


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When I read what people post online or listen to my guy friends talk about their wives/girlfriends I feel both joy (so sweet) and then sadness because I realize my boyfriend never talks about me that way. 

"She's good at this. She is my other half. I care about her future. She is this this and this"

What do I hear? "What do you bring to my life?" "What have you done the past two years that I can look back and say 'I couldn't have done that without her'?" "Are you gonna work hard/try harder?" "I do so much for you and want do you do for me?"

Today I tried to initiate something in bed by pulling him away from the computer to the bedroom. He kept saying "what are you doing?!" I didn't answer. Then he started complaining about clothes being on the bed so I gave up. We went back to the table. Then I felt overwhelmed by emotion. I went into the bedroom and slightly cried feeling unwanted. I felt like looking on the outside i was this clingy desperate woman. I felt unloved. Well, he comes in ten minutes later sees me crying. I imagine a normal boyfriend would be disturbed and ask what's wrong and upon me explaining be like "that's not true I care about you blah blah I'm sorry"

My boyfriend? I don't even get a chance to explain why I am crying before he starts yelling. Yes yelling at me. Telling me it's my fault because I didn't answer him when he asked me what I was doing. Then suddenly days now he is in bad mood and he blames me. Suddenly it's all about him his feelings. 

Who the **** does that? Later on we get over it and act lovey dovey, but here I am 5 in the morning unable to sleep next to this person.

I flip flop. 50% of the time I want to make it work and stick with it for the financial advantages given I'm in a bad situation right now. And 50% of the time I want the hell out because this man only cares about his damn self. He moved down here "for me" and won't let me forget it. He does nice things to hold over my head

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Did he have a bad day? Or is this a daily thing?

Well it does not sound that nice that he rubs in the fact you guys moved in order for you to feel better.  A relationship is a comprise, yeah we do things for people we love that we might not want to, but I think after a while if it gets to a point where he constantly brings it up and makes you feel worse, it most likely won't have a good ending... Maybe its still new for him and he needs some more time to accept it?

I mean do you think maybe he would want to do some couple therapy sessions or something?

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You deserve so much better.  You deserve to have someone that treats you well.  In all of your posts I've seen about him I haven't seen one positive thing.  My opinion is run as far and as fast away as you can.  You sure as hell don't want to be with someone you can't even sleep next to.  People are supposed to do nice things because they care about the person not to get an advantage over the person.

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13 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

Did he have a bad day? Or is this a daily thing?

Well it does not sound that nice that he rubs in the fact you guys moved in order for you to feel better.  A relationship is a comprise, yeah we do things for people we love that we might not want to, but I think after a while if it gets to a point where he constantly brings it up and makes you feel worse, it most likely won't have a good ending... Maybe its still new for him and he needs some more time to accept it?

I mean do you think maybe he would want to do some couple therapy sessions or something?

He has always held things my head. There was a time he was nicer,but after this one incident where he called me 40 times in a row raging  over something stupid things just got worse.

I can't afford therapy right now and his attitude is he has done so much for me and pays for everything why should he pay for that because according to him our relationship issues ate all my fault. He says his behavior is just a reaction of how I am. Don't worry I don't buy that crap for one minute. I'm conflicted, but slowly losing it. I also no longer feel comfort with him , I don't feel I can be weak without him kicking me when I am down. He hasn't hit me or called me names but the more I hear my guy friends praise and speak in love about their girlfriends the more saddened I feel. I've never had a man talk that way about me. My ex ignored me didn't take me seriously I would go crazy. 

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3 minutes ago, bigtattoo said:

If thus is regular behaviour I’d suggest it’s toxic and not healthy. 

If you can’t have a decent sit down chat with him there’s an imbalance. 

 

Also- read up on gaslighting. Sounds like this could possibly be what you’re experiencing. Sorry. 

I've wondered if he has tried that.

I owe him a lot financially. I also fear the whole social aspect. I would have to go off the radar on social media to avoid his family. I'm the only girl he introduced his folks to.He reached a point awhile back when he stopped trying and developed this attitude that I needed to work harder and he shouldn't have to do anything because he does so much. 

 

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To me it just sounds like he's really frustrated with the situation, which is understandable but he should make more of an effort to be available to you emotionally. Perhaps he had unrealistic expectations regarding the move and thought that your issues would just miraculously go away? Did the two of you ever discuss this in more detail before moving?

Overall I don't think it's good when one partner relies on the other too much, it's very hard to have an equal relationship that way and it breeds resentment, particularly if he ends up holding things over your head. Based on your posts I just keep getting the feeling that you're staying with him out of necessity, not because there is a deep bond. I may be mistaken since I don't have the complete picture but I think you should really search your soul, is he someone you want to be with? What if you got better, would you still want to stay or venture out on your own? What if you don't get better, would the two of you be able to handle this situation in the long run?

It just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and both of you seem to be making each other miserable much of the time, perhaps it would be best to start looking for an exit strategy such as moving back in with your parents, biting the bullet and taking a sh1tty job so you can stay put and finding some roommates so you can get your own place, or possibly applying for disability if working is just out of the question. 

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30 minutes ago, Chubbybunny89 said:

I've wondered if he has tried that.

I owe him a lot financially. I also fear the whole social aspect. I would have to go off the radar on social media to avoid his family. I'm the only girl he introduced his folks to.He reached a point awhile back when he stopped trying and developed this attitude that I needed to work harder and he shouldn't have to do anything because he does so much. 

 

Alarm bells are ringing here. It sounds- and I realise this is very much opinion- that he’s quite controlling and has isolated you, whether purposefully or accidentally. 

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     I can't speak for your personal situation, but often times we put our legal needs before our mental ones. Putting school before your loved ones, staying in a lifeless relationship for the legal benefits etc. If I were you, (i don't know the nuance of your relationship as much as you do so I could be wrong) I would leave him because the legal benefits aren't worth it if I'm not being emotionally fulfilled.

-Cent

 

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That's the issue. My physical quality of life is much greater and I have security that if something medical happened he could financially bail my ass out. Given my debt and the low range of jobs I could actually get I would end up living off my parents til 40. They already help me out so much and I feel ashamed of that. When I moved out they were able to rent the space and get money to help out the mortgage. My mental issues could cost me the next s***ty job I get just like they did the one before last. If I didn't have financial burdens my desire to leave would take over my "do you really want three retail jobs and five roommates?" 

It pi**es me off nothing in my life is going right. No career,no family, love life is toxic as hell... while everyone else I know has decent paying jobs and a happy relationship. it could be much worse I am thankful for my health at the moment. If I developed physical issues beyond my teeth I might lose it mentally.

Why can't he not be a selfish a******

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6 hours ago, Chubbybunny89 said:

That's the issue. My physical quality of life is much greater and I have security that if something medical happened he could financially bail my ass out. Given my debt and the low range of jobs I could actually get I would end up living off my parents til 40. They already help me out so much and I feel ashamed of that. When I moved out they were able to rent the space and get money to help out the mortgage. My mental issues could cost me the next s***ty job I get just like they did the one before last. If I didn't have financial burdens my desire to leave would take over my "do you really want three retail jobs and five roommates?" 

It pi**es me off nothing in my life is going right. No career,no family, love life is toxic as hell... while everyone else I know has decent paying jobs and a happy relationship. it could be much worse I am thankful for my health at the moment. If I developed physical issues beyond my teeth I might lose it mentally.

Why can't he not be a selfish a******

I hear ya. Lost my career , my fiancée and my best friend over the past year or so. Plus other losses. 

But then I’ve also found an awesome group of friends who are so supportive. Life is a wheel. 

Hugs.  I really hope you can find a decision fir yourself. The next job you get may be s s***ty one- but it may be an awesome one. Who knows what’s around the corner ? 

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Had a long talk talk last night where I basically brought it all up again. Then his sister called and I heard her on the phone asks him about his situation did he have a job yet. He said no, he isn't waiting til after family vacation. She expressed concern said she told her bf how now two people in English family were unemployed (she and her bf are both doctors specializing in certain fields) then she asked if I was working. Now she's never met me but knows of my existence and I hate when they ask about me. He told her I'm in the same situation bf I hear a "HA!" (Like "are you serious? Good lord") on the other end and immediately all my insecurities about having to deal with his super successful judgmental family that comes from a culture where mental illness is not a thing(you're just "weak minded") come out.

 Granted he himself does not have this mindset ,but his family does. After all they were all top of their classes, went to top schools and now they all make six figures. A ****ing power family. Meanwhile me being the once ambitious child of a redneck family is an anxious agoraphobe who will can never even imagine making at least 50 K. Every job I've applied to including ones of my own field range from 9-16 an hr. The 16/hr ones are ones wanting someone with years of experience in very technical lab techniques. His sister and her peers believe that making 150K is not enough. He has told me this. Again he does not share this viewpoint though he certainly is financially ambitious. But I just can't... handle being around those type of people who have that elitist attitude. I don't care if you are rich that doesn't bother me what bothers me is being looked down upon and snobbed. There are nice rich people who are down to earth ,and who don't constantly remind you of the financial inequality between you and them. I've met such people. They never even brought up money just talked about pets and family and regular people stuff not freaking stocks and traveling to this country and that. 

Anyways I ranted. Well we talk more he is upset at this point naturally and says we shouldn't break up that he doesn't think he can be happy in this relationship. He asks how long would it take for me to pack my things and leave. I saw a week. He says can I do it while he is gone I say okay. Then I leave the room, text my mother and begin to think things through-all my , my cat, the lease, this being the worst time of the year to fly for my anxiety. I hear him go to the bathroom and shut the door. Not knowing if he is going to do something crazy to himself (he never has but he also has never had a two year long relationship) I go and knock on the door he lets me in. I tell him I will accept the breakup,but that I won't do it like that- just packing up and leaving him here by himself. He says "why can't you be like this when I ask you to do things?"  Later on in bed I hear him mumble h doesn't want to leave or breakup. We talk during dinner I bluntly ask what is it he wants etc etc

This is possibly a cycle or possibly I'm just a terrible partner. Being with a depressed partner who is afraid to walk outside is not easy I understand that. He kind of expected my issues to disappear. I will admit since moving here and waking up to sunshine shining through the blinds I have not had any suicidal thoughts. I wake up happy that I woke up to live another day. Even though I'm not where I need to be even thoug I'm crazy and fat and insecure and poor... I have shelter food... I'm not dying of cancer (I think...)  I'm not blind..

 I am grateful for the things I have that I know many people don't have. The things I know can been taken away from me in an instance. All it takes is one car crash, one accident, one diagnosis. I've made it this far without that, and I am very grateful. I enjoy seeing the sunshine, hearing the birds singing outside (one good thing about the south is waking up to songbirds in winter) 

you guys can ignore my ramblings just wanted to end on a positive ish note 

 

 

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