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Dyreal95

How do i get over this? I cant take this anymore...

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I dont know if this is the right forum to post this thread. Sorry for my bad english. I am a 23 year old boy who have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now. I have always had low self esteem, but it have just gotten worse and worse the last couple of years, because of some bad choices i have made. It started 3-4 years ago where i would go on online webcam sites and *********d in front of people. I was often high or drunk while i did this, and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life. I did it a lot for over a year, but then I found a girlfriend and stopped getting high. 18 Months ago i suddenly got very paranoid, because i thought someone could have recorded me, and put it up online. It turns out i was right. After searchin some time i found some videos of me ************* with face and Everything. Since then i have been depressed and cant move on... I Feel ashamed and gross. I Feel that people will judge me and think im a pervert. My friends says nobody will find the videos, and that nobody cares... I Feel like this will never go away, because it may belong to the past, but to me it also belongs to the present, Because those videos are online and, and Will never go away. I dont wanna go outside, because i am afraid someone will regonize me from those videos. I just cant live like this... my girlfriend left me, Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts anymore... She was all i got, i loved her so much. She was the only person who really understood me, but now she is taken distance from me, to make her own life better. I love her and i am happy that she is happy, but this is so hard... And i think she has found a new guy. The only person i could talk to and i felt loved me for who i am, dont want to talk to me anymore. I have tried different psychiatrists, but nothing helps. My thoughts becomes darker and darker, and i feel more and more lonely. I had big dreams and always dreamed about making music. Now i can't because i am afraid that will just raise the chances of the videos getting found. I can't get over what i have done, and i am so afraid someone will find it all the time. I just want it all to go away. I wish i never went on webcam, but now i see no way out of this... I just want to die and stop the pain, please help

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Thanks for the response, it means a lot to me. It helps a lot to get some soothing words from others. I still dont know how to forgive myself and move on... It seems impossible as it will always be there. 

Edited by Dyreal95

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Dyreal95, you wrote about emptiness:

“...and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life.”

 

And about being depressed and afraid:

“Since then i have been depressed and cant move on

because i am afraid…”

 

You wrote about suicidal thoughts

“Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts…”

 

You wrote that nothing helps.

“I have tried different psychiatrists, but nothing helps.”

 

You wrote about how your thoughts are darker and you are more lonely.

“My thoughts becomes darker and darker, and i feel more and more lonely.”

 

I have not experienced all that you are going through, but one of the common things that you and I have is that you may be experiencing a complete absence of hope and I have already lived through it.  Someone once wrote ‘Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.’ Without hope life can be very difficult and impossible.  The actor Christopher Reeve said, ‘Once you hope anything is possible.’  I don’t know if you have a faith system, but since I have placed my hope in God, I have an abundance of hope that can conquer any situation or circumstance that comes my way.  Whether its emptiness, depression, fear suicidal thoughts, helplessness, dark thoughts, loneliness and any other troubling feeling- it is a hope that I have learned about; the Creator of all, the sustainer, the encourager, the hope that gets me the through the days, the hours and even the minutes.  

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I’m from the Uk so there will be different celebrities- but how many have had compromising videos? Dozens possibly hundreds. 

And all the revenge porn- it’s become commonplace. 

I don’t mean or want to demean your pain. You’ve tortured yourself far more than anyone else ever would. 

 

Can i I ask a question? If one of your friends said they had done the same how would you feel about them? I’d guess you’d maybe think *****. Or you’d be supportive. But I doubt you’d judge them. Yet you judge yourself. Shame is a difficult emotion to shake when you have out illness. But you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. Please please try to tell yourself that. 

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Hi, you're situation is a little bit different from a lot of different posts that I have read, but the fact that you are facing depression and suicidal thoughts is still something that people here deal with and can relate to.

I think the best thing I can say is to own it if anyone confronts you about it. Yes you did it, but you don't do it anymore, and what's more you do not identify your present self with it. Shrug it off like you don't care about it and usually people won't care about it either.

The fact that you internally care about it.. well, I suggest thinking about all the times in your life where you felt confident and good about yourself. What were you doing? You mentioned making music well, nothing stops you from making music by yourself, for yourself. What's more, music, and a lot of Art is great in so far as people make Aliases (which means new identities) when they do it. You would probably be surprised by how many Artists have pasts that they are not happy about.

Keep thinking about good things. When these thoughts about your past come, accept them but don't let them run your life.

Edited by zzzsheepyzzz

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Thanks so much for the responses, it means so much to me. I agree that when you dont have hope, everything seems meaningless... And i have lost all hope. 
I know my situation is different from others, but i really dont know where to reach out for help... This seems like a great place because i can be anonymous. I dont know how to accept my thoughts, i just cant live like this... 

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