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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)


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12 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

Tired 

I want to sleep

Alas.....

Me too. I just had blood work that showed I was mildly low on Vitamin D. Web search says low levels can cause fatigue and depression. I'm cautiously optimistic that supplementing per doctor's instructions might help. 

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30 minutes ago, uncertain1 said:

Me too. I just had blood work that showed I was mildly low on Vitamin D. Web search says low levels can cause fatigue and depression. I'm cautiously optimistic that supplementing per doctor's instructions might help. 

Hmmmmm.....might be worth a try!!

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18 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

Thanks buddy!!! I got a huge kudos yesterday from one of the teachers so i felt better!

Yes! Yes! You sang!!! That takes courage and I'm glad you got huge kudos from the teachers! Big big hugs!

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My spouse and I had a fight. He said I had disrespected him regarding the diet he put himself on when he was having lung issues. He and someone were talking about his lung stuff. I started talking too and nearly told the other person about the diet. I stopped myself in time.

When he said I disrespected him,  I grew agitated then because at the time, I catered to his needs.  Gracefully, I thought. I bought the groceries he requested, prepared and suggested foods he could eat, got him the protein shake powder that he could add as a supplement to his food. I did not like that he was on this diet, but there it is. Since he seemed to be getting sicker while on it, I was worried.

 Anyway, while we argued, I was driving. As soon as I parked in our driveway, I got out and said I had to go for a walk.

Because I felt like crashing the car. 

I apologized for...I told him I regretted actions in the past that I could not now change. After my walk, we talked. Things are better, but I don't feel like going to see a movie, or out to dinner now, or anything.

I feel, and I think this feeling isn't forever, that I'm on thin ice, or that everything I've been striving for in the past few months in terms of a sense of equilibrium is just smashed. I hope to recover eventually.

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Confused. I dont know why my husband is acting irritated AT me and turning it on me as if its the other way around.

Confused.i dont know why my husband constantly gives me s hit for things like not offering him orange juice when i get some for myself because im just so selfish yet when i do ask he gives me s hit anyway because he has some already. (Just one of many examples)

Confused. I dont know why my husband responds to the above with comments like "i dont know why you dont understand simple things" as if i can see through two walls and a hallway. I didnt stick around to hear the rest.

Confused. I dont know why my husband is the way he is, and why i allow him to make me want to k ill myself.

Not confused. It is clear to me why i used to starve myself and why i am contemplating beginning again.

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When will the curtain stop falling?  Is this why some people work and work, be it hobbies, jobs, -- anything to keep the curtain at bay?  Maybe I'm just not busy enough.  But I feel trapped.  And sad.  And afraid.  Sometimes I just don't want to be here.  I ask to be the first in my family to go, because on top of all of this mysterious darkness, I don't want to experience any loss of loved ones.  I feel like I can't go on, but can't take myself out because it would k i l l the ones I love.  Living is just too hard.  Please end soon.

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3 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

Confused. I dont know why my husband is acting irritated AT me and turning it on me as if its the other way around.

Confused.i dont know why my husband constantly gives me s hit for things like not offering him orange juice when i get some for myself because im just so selfish yet when i do ask he gives me s hit anyway because he has some already. (Just one of many examples)

Confused. I dont know why my husband responds to the above with comments like "i dont know why you dont understand simple things" as if i can see through two walls and a hallway. I didnt stick around to hear the rest.

Confused. I dont know why my husband is the way he is, and why i allow him to make me want to k ill myself.

Not confused. It is clear to me why i used to starve myself and why i am contemplating beginning again.

I am so sorry. Please don't starve yourself! Or harm yourself in any other way! He sounds like a complete s***head. His comments sound abusive or like borderline gaslighting to me...if they're so simple, why can't he explain them? And why get nasty about it instead of just explaining how he feels? I'm sorry if this is blunt, but he sounds abusive. Maybe even like a narcissist.

I know I don't know you or your situation, but if it were me, I would start getting things in order to get such a toxic person out of my life. I wish I could think of better things to say to get across that he's trying to make his s*** your s***, and it just isn't. And that if that's how he treats you and makes you feel, well, you deserve better. And it's hard to remember that or live like it with someone like that around, trying to make you believe ugly lies.

I've been around toxic people like this, and some of the best things I've done for myself are cutting them out of my life.

Wishing you the best...wish I could do more...

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I'm trying to be patient with myself. There have been things I've been holding on to, ways of thinking and living, that have been obstacles to my healing. I'm finally putting them down, one by one. I want to have a massive purge of them. I don't know how. I'm probably not even aware of them all yet. But one by one...

I feel better as the poison comes out. Healthy things seem to automatically flow in to replace them. Nature, including human nature, amazes me in its capacity to heal, its indefectible inclination toward health and wholeness.

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A bit tired out, but mostly in a good way (aside from the usual physical issues I've learned to kinda tolerate).  Considering my lousy year thus far, today's been better than usual.

I've been shopping over a month to replace a car I've had for ten years.  It's been a real trooper, but the mechanicals are now too expensive to make repair feasible.  What I've found in my pitiful price range has been dismal, with a couple exceptions that were sold quickly, even having found a few reputable dealers.  But, found a surprising one with a good CarFax despite higher mileage, better condition that I'd expect, dealer's good and I'll find out on mechanical inspection next week if I have a deal on my next German.  It will be a huge relief not having to worry if I'll break down.  I'm savvy enough to have kept it from happening, but it's reached a point.

And a friend is in town for a couple days on his annual excursion from the UK enroute to Central America, so we got to knock around a bit this afternoon before he thoroughly indulged in artery-clogging American CHICKEN and chips (er...that's fries) at his favorite local diner.  Wish I could have driven him around in the new wheels, but those few hours got me out of myself for the first time all week.

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I feel guilty. I've been taught to be a perfectionist, and it really wears on the soul. I get overwhelmed easily, but I've accepted the idea that I have to do so much, quickly, all at once, all the time. In order to be good enough. Or just in order to count. Ugh. 

I loathe some of these ideas. I don't want to live by them, and feel this way for things I can't help. It's because I'm trying to do too much at once, too quickly, and expecting too much too quickly that I get overwhelmed, spin around in circles wondering where to start and how, and then get so little done. It's a form of sabotage, but it comes from the outside, not within. It's just that I unwittingly accepted the lies in my innocence.

Now I have to find the "cure" within, to let my heart guide me gently to its own way of doing things - one at a time. Freely. Without pressure, or any threat of diminished self-worth, validity, etc. I was way healthier, and more effective, before this guilt-tripping, perfectionist garbage. I didn't worry so much, so it wasn't a big deal - I just grabbed the next thing I felt like tackling, and did it without thinking about it. It had no bearing on my self-love, my importance or "goodness" in the eyes of some monstrous deity. Or the "right people." lol

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9 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

Confused. I dont know why my husband is acting irritated AT me and turning it on me as if its the other way around.

Confused.i dont know why my husband constantly gives me s hit for things like not offering him orange juice when i get some for myself because im just so selfish yet when i do ask he gives me s hit anyway because he has some already. (Just one of many examples)

Confused. I dont know why my husband responds to the above with comments like "i dont know why you dont understand simple things" as if i can see through two walls and a hallway. I didnt stick around to hear the rest.

Confused. I dont know why my husband is the way he is, and why i allow him to make me want to k ill myself.

Not confused. It is clear to me why i used to starve myself and why i am contemplating beginning again.

You are in an abusive relationship.  Get out of there.

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12 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

Confused. I dont know why my husband is acting irritated AT me and turning it on me as if its the other way around.

Confused.i dont know why my husband constantly gives me s hit for things like not offering him orange juice when i get some for myself because im just so selfish yet when i do ask he gives me s hit anyway because he has some already. (Just one of many examples)

Confused. I dont know why my husband responds to the above with comments like "i dont know why you dont understand simple things" as if i can see through two walls and a hallway. I didnt stick around to hear the rest.

Confused. I dont know why my husband is the way he is, and why i allow him to make me want to k ill myself.

Not confused. It is clear to me why i used to starve myself and why i am contemplating beginning again.

It sounds like he gives you intermitten rewards/punishment, so you never know when you are solid with him. His answers seem narcissistic and gaslighting to me, trying to make you think you're not a competent human being--which you are, @Natasha1. He's mistaken and I agree with @sober4life. He sounds abusive. Leave him, if you can.

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@UnicornFire @sober4life @Dolphin2013

i love you guys. Thank you. You are right on a lot of things. And its not so simple, the kid being a part of it and we do have love for each other i do know that. He hates himself too so im not sure how to help with that. He is also extremeky stressed from wirk ongoing without getting enough time off.

But yeah i never know where im at with him.

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56 minutes ago, Natasha1 said:

@UnicornFire @sober4life @Dolphin2013

i love you guys. Thank you. You are right on a lot of things. And its not so simple, the kid being a part of it and we do have love for each other i do know that. He hates himself too so im not sure how to help with that. He is also extremeky stressed from wirk ongoing without getting enough time off.

But yeah i never know where im at with him.

Everyone is stressed from work if they work.  There is no good excuse to be abusive.  He constantly is playing games and letting you have no way of winning those games.  You can't win with someone like him.  Someone like him has to win every argument and have control of everyone in his life.  You deserve to be happy and happiness is impossible in that situation.

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I'm feeling very bad right now. Had the perfect atmosphere for writing, but couldn't do it because of anxious energy. Well I took care of that, but I'm really depressed now and afraid I lost that time. I have to calm this anxiety and sneak in some writing or just give it up and try not to pout. My day is ruined though! Is what I kept saying. And it is-moodwise anyway. Everything is crap. I feel like crap. I'm feeling a mixed episode of bipolar. Wanting it to just all go away because of my frustration. (Does this need a trigger warning or is that only specific things.) It's only thoughts and it's superficial. I'm more just p***** about the ruined day. Maybe it's salvageable, but I'm afraid to risk it. Gotta  be sneaky and just use my notebook to jot ideas (I'd prefer the computer though so its all in one place and I don't have to type it (read over it) a second time. Bleh)

In short, I'm upset and nervous and frustrated, but trying to work through it.

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