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The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)


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Woke up feeling lousy, trying to find my balance. I spent WAY too much time looking at FB this morning. lol. Wondering why people hadn't responded to messages, scrolling stuff that upset me even though I knew that wasn't helping and making me feel worse.

*sigh* I just wish the effects of my wounds didn't make me keep exposing myself to things that add to my wounds. Or at least keep the old ones open.

It's so frustrating that it's so hard to be healthful, to let myself heal. And I do mean let. I believe, and I've seen, that nature -- including us -- has such a strong inclination toward health, wholeness, and healing. 

 

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20 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Hugs, girl!!!  You have come so far.  Please remember that.  Best to your mom!!!!

Thank you I know I'm running on fumes right now.  I've never been more worried about mom in my life.  I thought we were both doing well.  We're both very broken from life.  Maybe we have been through too much to ever be well.  We've both been absolutely destroyed.

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I also just feel really confused, scared, and haunted when it comes to religious matters right now. Ugh. My beliefs do not match up with any understanding of Christianity that I know of. Never have, never will. I know they don't have to. But it's lonely as hell, and very painful/scary when I come up against fundies/hardliners of the psycho variety. :( 

In the past, I tried in desperation to follow certain paths against my own heart and soul. It WRECKED my relationship with God, and with myself. And it left me with deep fears. Fear took over, and cast out my innocent, childhood love.

Now, I have no relationship with God, and I'm not even sure I want one because I don't see how I can ever truly believe in my own real God again. I HATE the god of organized religion. But I'm also terrified of it, because I know it has no human pity. That sounds very bitter, but if you've seen what I've seen, it's clear.

All I care about now...has nothing to do with religion. I wish I could just walk away from it all, but I'm too terrified. Not just of punishment, and being "unprotected," but also of losing the tiny, shadowy support it still provides me psychologically. I'm very fragile and alone right now. I'm working on changing that, but I'm a LONG way from strong yet.

Sorry if it's against rules to talk about this here. I just don't know where to turn about this stuff, and it's a big part of my suffering. 

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Worried. Worry has been worrying away at me since I woke up. Worry that I didn't get enough sleep. Worry and anger that I woke up too cold because I took my arms out from under the covers again in my sleep, and my feet weren't covered by the warmest blanket. Worried because I didn't seem to feel quite right, and I couldn't tell why. Worried because I have a Skype interview today. Worried because I'm so damn tired -- as usual -- and I don't want to walk to the store for food, and if I avoid it like last weekend, I'll get sick from hunger/blood sugar issues again. I'm so sick of worry, and helpless frustration. I'm worried because of other people, over choices I can't control. I'm worried I won't be able to handle their actions and my reactions. I'm worried that my emotions will get out of control, that it will hurt so much that I'll give up or get scared and retreat again. I'm worried about spirits beyond my control, and that I won't be allowed even to make the choice to be damned and go my own way, but will somehow be roped back in helpless to a misery and torture in religion that I just CAN'T handle anymore. 

I'm so scared. And I don't know what to do.

I have an interview in less than an hour. I don't know how to get myself together and make myself focus.

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4 hours ago, uncertain1 said:

Hope you are feeling better now. It's an awful experience to be on that edge. . 

Yeah, it eased up as the day went on. I took some of my meds and accidentally took a 30 minute nap during work. Woke up groggy, but the symptoms had mostly passed.

Thanks for the concern! Much appreciated.

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My life has become completely unmanageable again.  I have to make more drastic changes to survive this.  I can't continue to put myself in situations where I don't think I can get through them.  I am not strong enough mentally to continue down the road I'm on.

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Had a seizure at work yesterday and will be seeing my neurologist on Tuesday. Sent my doctors note to my boss to let him know I will not be coming in the rest of this weekend. I feel really angry at my neurologist mainly because I had to go to the ER simply just for blood work and nothing else. Every time I have one of these spells or full seizures it's always the same thing. This one wasn't a full seizure, I was completely awake even though I kept having muscle jerks and eye twitching. So now I believe that my eye twitching that has been going on for nearly a year is linked to whatever the seizures are caused by. It may not even be seizures, instead be just fainting spells or linked to my aortic dissection. I am tired of fighting with doctors who are most likely playing a guessing game and just riding me for money in a sense. While I don't have these spells very often it's scary when they do occur. Tuesday better get some actual results or changes.

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2 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

Worried that i have been oversinging.audition is tomorrow. Maybe i shoukd just leave it alone and go with it. Whatever happens happens.

I'm proud of you.  You are doing something I would love to do but I don't have the courage to do it.  Just get lost in the moment when you sing.  Make it one of those moments you will never forget.  Make it a Janis Joplin at Woodstock type moment.

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm proud of you.  You are doing something I would love to do but I don't have the courage to do it.  Just get lost in the moment when you sing.  Make it one of those moments you will never forget.  Make it a Janis Joplin at Woodstock type moment.

Arent you a little love! Thank you for your support s4l.

I really love to sing. I would love to win a spot and have the chance to sing a solo in front of 850 people. 

For you, just take singing lessons and have fun. Thats what i did. Just to have something for myself. Call it a mid life crisis whatever. I always wanted to do it and here i am. We all have to have a starting point.

You have my support if you try it!

 

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Ok its an hour later and i decided to practice a little with my high heels. Now all of a sudden im breathing with panic while i sing.

. Im worried my kid wont get in that i wont get in.

I think my performance in practice right now is really good but my breathing god im out of breath and it affects my "instrument" massively. God knows what it will do tomorrow. 

Dont know if i should take my last ativan that i have been saving for i think its been 2 years now. But then what if that makes me too down to show off my performance abilities...loss of balance...forgetting words...forgetting pitches and vocal nuances/tone colour. 

What am i going to do???

How am i feeling? Panicked.

In a weird way, good. Adrenaline everywhere.

Guys should i colour my hair tomorrow morning? To get rid of my roots and grey? Wash my hair tonight to get rid of the itchy spray on crap?

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I'm realizing that schedule should be a bigger factor in choosing my next job. I'm in a precarious place right now, psychologically. I need more time off, time to research, live, breathe, and hopefully find a support network. Maybe even a therapist, though I'm afraid of going to one.

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5 minutes ago, UnicornFire said:

I'm realizing that schedule should be a bigger factor in choosing my next job. I'm in a precarious place right now, psychologically. I need more time off, time to research, live, breathe, and hopefully find a support network. Maybe even a therapist, though I'm afraid of going to one.

Hugs, UF. you will always have a support network here on df.

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Thank you, Natasha. Very much appreciated right now. Hugs back. :)

I'm doing better, but I'm exhausted. I have an interview in 2+ hours, and it'll take an hour to do my hair, plus I have to run downstairs to the convenience store. It's ridiculous how quickly I run out of groceries nowadays. I must be buying the wrong stuff. But it pretty much has to be grab-and-go or microwaveable. The 30-35 hour/week jobs are looking ever more appealing, though I don't prefer those areas...

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On 4/6/2018 at 8:45 PM, UnicornFire said:

I also just feel really confused, scared, and haunted when it comes to religious matters right now. Ugh. My beliefs do not match up with any understanding of Christianity that I know of. Never have, never will. I know they don't have to. But it's lonely as hell, and very painful/scary when I come up against fundies/hardliners of the psycho variety. :( 

In the past, I tried in desperation to follow certain paths against my own heart and soul. It WRECKED my relationship with God, and with myself. And it left me with deep fears. Fear took over, and cast out my innocent, childhood love.

Now, I have no relationship with God, and I'm not even sure I want one because I don't see how I can ever truly believe in my own real God again. I HATE the god of organized religion. But I'm also terrified of it, because I know it has no human pity. That sounds very bitter, but if you've seen what I've seen, it's clear.

All I care about now...has nothing to do with religion. I wish I could just walk away from it all, but I'm too terrified. Not just of punishment, and being "unprotected," but also of losing the tiny, shadowy support it still provides me psychologically. I'm very fragile and alone right now. I'm working on changing that, but I'm a LONG way from strong yet.

Sorry if it's against rules to talk about this here. I just don't know where to turn about this stuff, and it's a big part of my suffering. 

Hi UF - I am not a believer, but am spiritual, if you like.  I understand how lonely you feel.  I hope, though, that you can come to a relationship with your God that is your own, no matter what anyone else thinks! I would hate to see you throw away a relationship with God on account of the waywardness of others in organized religion.  From my perspective, you and God know each other - and that is what counts!!!!

Hugs!!!!

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29 minutes ago, Natasha1 said:

I dont know what to feel. I feel weird. 

The audition wasnt terrible but...i dont know...

Yep now i know.

I feel stupid.

I feel like i made a fool of myself.

I feel their silence before feedback...still...ice...broken ice stabbing me with jagged edges...before i drown underneath it and the ice reseals.

Why were they waiting so long to say anything????????

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51 minutes ago, Natasha1 said:

I dont know what to feel. I feel weird. 

The audition wasnt terrible but...i dont know...

Good going Nat.  It is out of your hands.  Peace.  You did it.  I too am chasing artistic success (novel and podcast) and may win, may not.  In fact, I had a friend today, someone who is not artistic, who said to me, "dude, why don't you just do something that will make you money?"

They don't understand what pulls, animates, and energizes us.  Few do.  It has always been so.

I worked 30 years supporting a family at a job I hated for this chance to follow my heart.  I am taking it, and enjoying, whether it works out or not.

You took a chance!  WOW!  And there will be more chances too!  Just, no expectations, OK?  I have none, other than to do the best work I can do!

Way to go with the audition!  A true triumph no matter what!!!

Brian

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Haven't been here in a while. I've been pretty much sugar/grain-free for about 3 weeks now. I've been exercising steadily and I feel the pain filling my empty spots I used to fill up with food and purposeless (generalization, just don't want to give details) activity.

The thing I'm really feeling is how insignificant I feel and how difficult it is to age. I still don't have a primary care doc.  I don't know how to take care of myself. Sort of. Not eating sweets and breads and crap and then exercising is good. But I keep thinking nothing I do is good enough for anybody.

These words don't say everything I want to say. I want to know how people do things...just do them. How does someone walk into a place and feel she has every right to be there. I never feel as if I'm in the right place and time. I don't have confidence in a lot of things. I hope this will pass. In the meantime, I go to work, I go to appointments. I take my son to his. And where is the joy and meaning in life?

Not feeling, hmmm, dolphinistic these days. Maybe it's just because it snowed today.

 

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I`m feeling okay right now. I spent the afternoon with my nieces and nephews. We had a nice time doing arts and crafts. They always seem to lift my spirits.

Hugs to anyone who needs them. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. 

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4 hours ago, Dolphin2013 said:

Haven't been here in a while. I've been pretty much sugar/grain-free for about 3 weeks now. I've been exercising steadily and I feel the pain filling my empty spots I used to fill up with food and purposeless (generalization, just don't want to give details) activity.

The thing I'm really feeling is how insignificant I feel and how difficult it is to age. I still don't have a primary care doc.  I don't know how to take care of myself. Sort of. Not eating sweets and breads and crap and then exercising is good. But I keep thinking nothing I do is good enough for anybody.

These words don't say everything I want to say. I want to know how people do things...just do them. How does someone walk into a place and feel she has every right to be there. I never feel as if I'm in the right place and time. I don't have confidence in a lot of things. I hope this will pass. In the meantime, I go to work, I go to appointments. I take my son to his. And where is the joy and meaning in life?

Not feeling, hmmm, dolphinistic these days. Maybe it's just because it snowed today.

 

Hmm, Dolphin, girl, it all sounds amazing to me, your lifestyle changes, that is!  Ten hearty pats on the back!  Please let yourself accept the accolades for such an effort.

As far as the confidence bit goes, I suspect it's just a blip for you.  EVERYONE, even the seemingly most together among us (not me LOL) feels these moments of doubt.  It is really part of being human. From what I have learned and read about you, you need not worry about the down times.  They come.  They go.  Keep on keeping on!!!  You're doing great.

It is difficult to age.  But it is better than the alternative.  Embrace life while you're here!!!  

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