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In a mess


Xinyi

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I was prescribed citalopram for the second time in around two years just over a week ago, I'm worried it's making me feel numb. I didn't want to start taking it, but because I felt depressed and it was affecting the people I'm living with I more or less had to because they said I was bringing them down and the only way I could get better was by taking medication. I've never felt suicidal, but I think my lack of energy and social skills alongside my anxiety has always made me feel depressed. I think talking to someone would help and am in contact with a good counsellor at my university, but I feel very alone and scared having just started medication and being alone at Christmas. My parents are supportive, but only really when I'm on my medication. They said I can tell them the truth if it's not working for me though. I'm very dependent on them, I'm 19 but have never had a job and spend most of my time alone at home. I have no friends or brothers or sisters, and feel very alone most of the time. I don't have many social skills or the energy to make any new friends either. There's people I've been interested in and liked before, but I can never do anything about it. Sometimes I struggle to get out of bed, but once I'm up I'm fine. I do find it's harder on medication though, and I feel trapped inside my own head in a horrible way.

I do have interests and things I want to do, but a huge lack of self confidence or motivation. My depression is caused by things in my life more than something inside my head I think, which is why I hate taking this medication. But it's so hard to get through every single day even though I don't work - if I did (and I've volunteered in the past for example) I think it would be even harder. My parents think I need something to do to distract myself, but they don't seem to understand it's bad no matter what and instead of giving me confidence, working with other people has just made me feel stupid before now.

I feel like nothing can help me. It takes forever to see a doctor or psychologist, or a counsellor or something. I feel like I'm being left behind by society, I'm still at university but not doing very well and since I've been on my medication I find it hard to read for more than a few minutes - before I could read for an hour or more. I feel awful, I can't sleep but then I couldn't before. I'm worried I'll become suicidal or aggressive or something, I'm not normally. I just feel so alone and so trapped, it's horrible. I don't know what to do about it. Everyone seems to be against me even if they think they're helping, I don't have the means to help myself or even explain myself most of the time. I'm a prisoner to myself and I hate it. I just don't know what to do.

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Hi Xiny, I would just say you aren't alone at least.  I see quite a number of posts about struggling at universities.  It's tough, I guess I would define life as tough.  I never went to college, barely graduated hs.  School just was never my thing, I was also a pretty bad kid.  But the medications are real tricky.  Some take a long time to have the right effect.  Some don't effect you the way you need it to.  I was prescribed lithium for a few years, was hard to find the right dose for it.  I never had much luck with anti depressants.  Also another common thread I see.  Not dissing it, but they hardly did anything for me.  I was also quite a mess, so maybe I just needed stronger pills in that sense.  Depression is a formidable foe.  If it gets bad enough, it will disrupt a lot of your life.  I think I have lost and gained interests a lot over the years, and my diet has always been back and forth, from depression.  It's been about 8 years of sleep problems.  They went away for a while, but have resurfaced.  Anyways hope this helps.  Try not to be too hard on yourself, I know it's easier said than done.  But I tip my hat off to anyone trying to get a degree.  

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19 hours ago, glfinding said:

-snip-

Thank you, it does help a lot! I don't really have the energy to write much at the moment, but reading your post has helped me understand other people are going through similar things. My family situation doesn't help, and neither does my anxiety, but I will keep going because I do want there to be something on the other side of my depression.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You are not alone even though you may be physically. You wrote everything that I am dealing with. The lack of energy and social anxiety kills me. It took over a month of taking effexor and lexapro together to feel a slight effect of relief. So i am hoping it gets better. I can't ever seem to get off the couch and stay stuck in my head about things i should accomplish even chores and feel discouraged. I hope you start feeling some relief from your antidepressant. I also noticed that i needed to take b vitamins for alertness and my sugar levels are starting to get high so that might be why im fatigued. You're right it could be something medical so tell both your family physician and psychiatrist. Don't give up hope and know that life isn't going to be easy. Many many people suffer like we do so dont feel ashamed. Much luck to you! 

 

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