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NothingToLiveFor

What is there to live for while growing old alone?

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I'm a 31 year old boy. I know as a 100% certainty that I am completely incurably permanently undateable and will never ever ever be in a relationship. Hell, even if I did fix the things making me undateable I'm at the age now where every woman would rule me out due to lack of dating/sex experience alone. I also know I'll be much happier if I can convince every part of me to accept this fact and to just permanently switch off all thoughts related to dating, sex, relationships, children, marriage whatever. But the biggest problem is that there isn't really anything else to live for in this world. Seriously - what exactly are you supposed to look forward to in your 40s, 50s, 60s with no marriage or kids? What? Someone tell me?

You aren't even allowed to have friends as an older single person it seems. Young people hang out with each other. Married people with kids or even divorced parents focus on their own families or socialise with other married people or people with kids. Older single people seem to barely exist so I don't even know where I'm supposed to find a group I can actually be part of. I can't handle being a fricken 13th, 15th, 29th wheel in a crowd of couples comparing notes on cute things their kids do.

The only people who survive being old and never married are married to their careers types. I ****ing hate my job. I'm so incompetent I feel like I'm counting down the days to being sacked. I'm a mess in every fricken respect, not just this, but I think one thing stopping me finding the energy to pull myself out of this mess is the knowledge that in the long run its for nothing. They also seem to survive by having the occasional casual sex or dating. Again no chance.

Everyone says there's stuff like hobbies and travel but I've given up my attempts at doing something creative coz they all sucked and I lack the energy to do anything now and who has the opportunity to do more than short trips while still paying bills. I considered doing something like a CETL course to teach English abroad or something so at least I'd be able to upsticks when I need to get the hell out of wherever I am and at least the traveller circuit is pretty much the only place you meet the elusive older single crowd but that can't keep you going for 40 years and right now I don't have the energy. I haven't even managed to do my CBT homework as what's the point.

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I'm sorry you are suffering this anguish! 

It is so heartbreaking!

Wish I knew how to help.   Right now my mind is a blank, maybe because I am ill.  

Hopefully other members here will have something useful for you or at least helpful in some way.  

My deepest apologies for being useless or even worse than worthless to you in your time of great need.  Depression is awful.

I do want to welcome you to these Forums, NothingToLiveFor.  I am wishing that someone here will have some insight or wisdom that will help.

My heart goes out to you in your pain and suffering!!!  - epictetus

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@Epictetus I'm sorry you're not feeling well.  But you are not useless nor worthless!  Please stop that.  Stop speaking about yourself like that.

@NothingToLiveFor I think everyone would okay me saying that those in their 40s, 50s, 60s and older (who are not married nor have kids) have plenty to live for.  Age is only a number.  You're as old as you feel or as young as you feel.

Now, in my humble opinion I would suggest contacting a therapist to speak about how you are feeling, possible depression, your overall outlook on life.  Honey, whatever your experience (or lack of) and what your age is does not determine whether you are "dateable."  31 is young, you have plenty of time, but what you do with your life is your decision.  You can work on you by talking to a therapist about how you feel, join a group, gym, reading group, common interest/poker, cards, whatever it is that guys do or whatever it is that you find fun -- find like-minded people and join them.  Shy?  A therapist can help with that.  Enjoy this time in your life, but love yourself first, people are drawn to confident, secure people.  

Be kind to others, don't be so quick to dismiss someone over age.  I find I learn a lot from older people. 

Love yourself.  Like yourself first.  A lack of energy you wrote about could be due to depression, which is treatable.  Stop being so hard on yourself.  But again, that's the depression.  Be kind to yourself and tell yourself this time next year, you'll be in a different place, a better place.  Keep in touch with us.  Update us on how you're doing.  I hope to hear you've contacted a therapist, and feel that relief that a great therapist can provide.  There is a lot to live for in this world.  And a great therapist will be encouraging, caring, advising, nurturing and one who invest in you to see you are living your best life.  I look forward to hearing how things go.  Take care :)

 

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@Epictetus Thanks. Seriously just getting a response and especially a response . I don't know what I was really hoping for anyway posting this. I mean I'm the only one who can fix myself so it's not like anyone could give me advice. Just needed to vent. It's amazing taking energy to support others when you're in a bad place yourself. I haven't managed to do it.

@HeatherG Thanks for your advice. I am seeing a therapist. I'm going through CBT and have depression and anxiety. I've only mentioned my career hell hole **** up and inability to concentrate. Not my fear of what my life will be when I'm a few decades older and alone (well... I've mentioned that it in passing in the midst of longer rants). Frankly hearing someone who can't look after himself even mention dating is such an embarrassing absurdity I don't like to do it. And in the past I've found people give well meaning but ultimately unhelpful responses by giving me false hope. I am not asking how I can meet someone - I'm asking how I can be happy knowing I won't meet someone. So I keep discussion of it to a minimum these days. Therapist or not.

I mean what is supposed to happen in everyone's minds is I sort myself out, become a functioning person and then think about dating. But given I haven't managed to fix my self esteem/brain/career/personality/lifestyle/fitness (etc. so so much) in years if I ever do manage to fix this how old will I be then? 35? 40? 50? Even if I wasn't past my sell by date now I certainly will be by then. So what I want to do instead is become a functioning human being and just... you know... be happy alone for the next however many years I've got (hopefully not many). But that doesn't seem possible.


Either way its all irrelevant as right now I can't seem to stop spending every second of my "life" wasting time on the stupid internet.



I am in acting classes so I guess I'm doing one of those activities like you mentioned and when I'm in a good enough mood to enjoy anything I like it. Doesn't give me much reassurance as any other hobby I once had which doesn't involve being in a set place at a set time has collapsed and I can't even do my job. Unless I'm in a set place at a set time I will just mess around on internet. I have no willpower.

I wasn't dismissing older people. I'm not sure what bit you are referring to. If it's what I said about how everyone my age/older/a few years younger even has a family then its not so much them but the fact that I can only connect so far with them and they seem to be literally 100% of the population after 30. If it's what I said about people around my age (and older not because I want to hang out with older people but for my future - older is where we're all heading) without marriages or families then that is who I want to meet! But so elusive. I suppose it's also the fear that I'll lose my one remaining true friend when he has kids.


 

Edited by NothingToLiveFor

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5 hours ago, NothingToLiveFor said:

@Epictetus Thanks. Seriously just getting a response and especially a response . I don't know what I was really hoping for anyway posting this. I mean I'm the only one who can fix myself so it's not like anyone could give me advice. Just needed to vent. It's amazing taking energy to support others when you're in a bad place yourself. I haven't managed to do it.

@HeatherG Thanks for your advice. I am seeing a therapist. I'm going through CBT and have depression and anxiety. I've only mentioned my career hell hole **** up and inability to concentrate. Not my fear of what my life will be when I'm a few decades older and alone (well... I've mentioned that it in passing in the midst of longer rants). Frankly hearing someone who can't look after himself even mention dating is such an embarrassing absurdity I don't like to do it. And in the past I've found people give well meaning but ultimately unhelpful responses by giving me false hope. I am not asking how I can meet someone - I'm asking how I can be happy knowing I won't meet someone. So I keep discussion of it to a minimum these days. Therapist or not.

I mean what is supposed to happen in everyone's minds is I sort myself out, become a functioning person and then think about dating. But given I haven't managed to fix my self esteem/brain/career/personality/lifestyle/fitness (etc. so so much) in years if I ever do manage to fix this how old will I be then? 35? 40? 50? Even if I wasn't past my sell by date now I certainly will be by then. So what I want to do instead is become a functioning human being and just... you know... be happy alone for the next however many years I've got (hopefully not many). But that doesn't seem possible.


Either way its all irrelevant as right now I can't seem to stop spending every second of my "life" wasting time on the stupid internet.



I am in acting classes so I guess I'm doing one of those activities like you mentioned and when I'm in a good enough mood to enjoy anything I like it. Doesn't give me much reassurance as any other hobby I once had which doesn't involve being in a set place at a set time has collapsed and I can't even do my job. Unless I'm in a set place at a set time I will just mess around on internet. I have no willpower.

I wasn't dismissing older people. I'm not sure what bit you are referring to. If it's what I said about how everyone my age/older/a few years younger even has a family then its not so much them but the fact that I can only connect so far with them and they seem to be literally 100% of the population after 30. If it's what I said about people around my age (and older not because I want to hang out with older people but for my future - older is where we're all heading) without marriages or families then that is who I want to meet! But so elusive. I suppose it's also the fear that I'll lose my one remaining true friend when he has kids.


 

I hear your pain, and I am so sorry you're struggling and hurting so much.  I understand how you feel, I truly do, and more than just in every sense of the word I get it honey.  I do.  

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist.  I believe you've told him/her everything you're telling me.  Do you feel he/she is helping you in anyway?  Do you believe your therapist is invested in helping, like genuinely cares about you?  I hope so.

First let's throw the numbers/age thing out the window here.  Focusing on that is just not helping at all.  There's nothing we do about time going by, and being depressed about time, well, you can see that's something we just can't do anything about.

Now, let's say most of what's making you feel so down is the depression itself.  I'm not sure if your therapist believes medication can help?  That's something I can't comment on because I'm not taking meds myself (but I sure should the way I feel) so, it's unfair I comment any further than just wondering about medication.

Acting classes?  Yes this is a step!  Amazing!  Are you clicking or befriending anybody in acting class?  

You have a true friend in your life and it seems he maybe having kids one day.  He won't drop you when he does, he'll be pretty busy and you'll understand, and he'll still be there.  But you already know this.  I'm sorry I might be failing in providing better answers or deeper answers.  I'm in that boat with you.  But you're 31, and I'm saying that's so young, you do have time.  You are asking how to live alone because you believe that's the inevitable?  But is that what you want or you feel that's just what's going to happen?  It doesn't have to be that way, not if you Don't want it to be.

If you live in a big city, many many groups meet up and just talk.  Since I'm from a parent who drank if I wanted to attend an AA meeting I could meet up with ppl and talk, interact, engage, laugh with cry with.  But I deal with agoraphobia so, leaving the house petrifies me.  Will I die alone?  I don't know.  I don't worry about it because that's not one of my fears.  I also know, at anytime I can walk out the door and join a group and TRY to make friends.  I say try, because I'm socially awkward and I think a little weird. lol (lil joke there, very little)

And I know that annoyance of living on the Internet because for now that's where we're stuck.  I hate it.  But it's all I have right now.  I tell myself, I would like to promise myself that on Jan 2018 I have 365 days to get it right, to try again.  Because this year has been morbidly awful.  Morbidly!  I'm going to give it my best shot in 2018.  I'll probably disappoint myself, but I'm going to try.  In your acting class walk up to one person and ask about a movie, any movie.  Is your favorite band coming to town?  Did it snow?  Or, if you really are asking me how to live a life alone, I can say a lame joke and say it's lonely? ??  But at any moment I can change that and go out..  I think.

Work on one thing at a time.  I'm working on writing and trying to get back my health.  Pick one thing to work on and spend time on it.  Work on this with your therapist.  Then if and when that's conquered, pick a second thing.  Read about what you want to do, journal about it, pick a piece of favorite music and blast it in your ears (not for neighbors to hear).  Take a walk.  See a movie, treat yourself, like yourself, log on here, post, create a topic, write about it.  yes it's HARD to be focused right now, super hard, but I'm trying.  That's all we can do is try..

You wrote 'sort yourself out and become a functioning person.'  By 31, that's not supposed to happen honey.  That would mean in your 20s you had everything put together.  By 31 is when you Begin to focus on just who you are, if that!  You wrote this:  "self esteem/brain/career/personality/lifestyle/fitness"

Why are you piling all this on yourself at 31?  The only thing I would care about in that list is the self-esteem because Once you have that, or at least are attempting to have that, then you work on the others, and that work takes years.  If you have your self-esteem together, the work is enjoyable, I hear.  If not, the work can feel excruciating.  If you've met people who have it together by 31, and I have, it's because of their upbringing and parents.  Doesn't mean their not struggling too, we're all struggling with something.  Keep me updated.  We're here for you.  We care.  Happy to hear your response.  I hope Sunday is treating you well. :hugs:

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@damonw1   no no no no no no no please no! I will NOT take dating advice. Please!

I WILL NOT DATE

It is that simple.

Sorry man, I know you're just trying to help but this is the one thing in my life that I have 100% certainty on.

I WILL NOT DATE. I WILL NOT TRY TO GET LAID OR TO GET A RELATIONSHIP OR TO MARRY. PERMANENTLY. END OF STORY. That stage of my life is over. 100% Guaranteed! And I'll be 100% happier just accepting it.

I'm not going to pretend I'm happy about this situation but part of find happiness as you grow older is being able to separate the realistic from the unrealistic and everyone, please please accept that THIS IS FINAL. End of story. And I certainly do not want to be told anything about "dating advice" or to look at any websites or any such. No no no no. Please no one ever mention this again. A man who is in his 40s and still can't accept he won't be a football superstar is not a happy man. All his friends should just advise him how to control his mind so he can release this desire to become a football star instead of advising him to try out for Manchester united or something. That's the situation I am in. I am trying to accept I won't be a football superstar. Just replace "football superstar" with "have a woman".

Sorry I know this sounds like I'm being cold and ungrateful to people who are only trying to help. I am grateful. But I'm just this way because dating advice etc. is a major major part of what destroyed my self esteem and got me into this mess to begin with and as HeatherG said self esteem is the priority. And I never mentioned looks. And the last thing I ever want to see again in my life in particular is a website telling me how to attract women. Please no.

I asked the question to know how to find happiness growing old alone. How to have friends when being single past 30 or at least past 40 makes you a pariah. How to have something to look forward to in life. NOT how to find someone. How to rediscover creativity and hobbies that can make you happy alone when you have no energy and motivation because it all seems pointless.

So that's the key question of this thread. The rest of what I said is waffle. How exactly does one go about being happy alone? How to achieve this mystical state? How does one shut off romantic/intimate desires? Or substitute them? How?

Please no dating advice websites.

@HeatherG Thanks for such a thorough reply.

I've read everything you wrote. I just can't accept that I'm not already way past it. I'm middle aged. Your early 20s are the figuring stuff out years. I can't see how it can be any different? Hell the world seems to be full of 22 year olds thinking they're "this old and still not together"!!!!! Seriously!!!! I've seen it all over the internet. Forget 22. 20 years 18. 16. Arrrgh. How can I possibly think differently at a whole decade older?!?! I mean even half the people here seem to be in their 20s. The most I can hope to believe is that maybe for some people life starts really really really late. And that's just one of those things. Nothing to lose sleep over. Look at Colonel Saunders or Seasick Steve or George R R Martin. That is my one hope. But those are outliers and anyway - how?!?! Doing what? Where do I even begin? Go back to school? I'd drown my savings and end up in debt and what would I even study? I have no dreams. No passions. No talents AT ALL!

How can anyone who sits on his computer day in day out doing nothing and then goes to his job and is more incompetent than everyone else who has ever attempted this career have self esteem? It's got to the point where I don't even give a crap anymore. I clock off early, work less than full time (my hours are flexible so I can work from home and I tell myself that I will. But then I can't concentrate either at home or work). I try to work hard but my mind just doesn't function a full working week. Barely functions at all.

Right now I just want to leave this job and go into another (just choose on e at random that doesn't involve expensive retraining! Anything!). But I want to be not burdened by expecting to fail before I start (which stops me even applying!).

My one friend and my parents (and there's awkwardness there) are pretty much my only comfort. you can't rest your happiness on so little. And my parents won't last forever. That's why I'm paranoid about my future wrt this friend and paranoid about making more REAL friends. I know he won't desert me but things will never be the same again and with no other friends too much at stake.  I want to know I can still truly bond with people. get confidants. Thanks for the social advice. I am awkward and shy but believe it or not, not always and I can make friends at least. I can be charming at first. Sometimes even funny. Only sometimes of course but that isn't my biggest worry. It's going to the next level of close friends that I worry I'm not capable of. And the gulf between me and young people on one hand and people my age who all have kids on the other hand doesn't make things any easier.

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4 minutes ago, NothingToLiveFor said:

@damonw1   no no no no no no no please no! I will NOT take dating advice. Please!

I WILL NOT DATE

It is that simple.

Sorry man, I know you're just trying to help but this is the one thing in my life that I have 100% certainty on.

I WILL NOT DATE. I WILL NOT TRY TO GET LAID OR TO GET A RELATIONSHIP OR TO MARRY. PERMANENTLY. END OF STORY. That stage of my life is over. 100% Guaranteed! And I'll be 100% happier just accepting it.

I'm not going to pretend I'm happy about this situation but part of find happiness as you grow older is being able to separate the realistic from the unrealistic and everyone, please please accept that THIS IS FINAL. End of story. And I certainly do not want to be told anything about "dating advice" or to look at any websites or any such. No no no no. Please no one ever mention this again. A man who is in his 40s and still can't accept he won't be a football superstar is not a happy man. All his friends should just advise him how to control his mind so he can release this desire to become a football star instead of advising him to try out for Manchester united or something. That's the situation I am in. I am trying to accept I won't be a football superstar. Just replace "football superstar" with "have a woman".

Sorry I know this sounds like I'm being cold and ungrateful to people who are only trying to help. I am grateful. But I'm just this way because dating advice etc. is a major major part of what destroyed my self esteem and got me into this mess to begin with and as HeatherG said self esteem is the priority. And I never mentioned looks. And the last thing I ever want to see again in my life in particular is a website telling me how to attract women. Please no.

I asked the question to know how to find happiness growing old alone. How to have friends when being single past 30 or at least past 40 makes you a pariah. How to have something to look forward to in life. NOT how to find someone. How to rediscover creativity and hobbies that can make you happy alone when you have no energy and motivation because it all seems pointless.

So that's the key question of this thread. The rest of what I said is waffle. How exactly does one go about being happy alone? How to achieve this mystical state? How does one shut off romantic/intimate desires? Or substitute them? How?

Please no dating advice websites.

@HeatherG Thanks for such a thorough reply.

I've read everything you wrote. I just can't accept that I'm not already way past it. I'm middle aged. Your early 20s are the figuring stuff out years. I can't see how it can be any different? Hell the world seems to be full of 22 year olds thinking they're "this old and still not together"!!!!! Seriously!!!! I've seen it all over the internet. Forget 22. 20 years 18. 16. Arrrgh. How can I possibly think differently at a whole decade older?!?! I mean even half the people here seem to be in their 20s. The most I can hope to believe is that maybe for some people life starts really really really late. And that's just one of those things. Nothing to lose sleep over. Look at Colonel Saunders or Seasick Steve or George R R Martin. That is my one hope. But those are outliers and anyway - how?!?! Doing what? Where do I even begin? Go back to school? I'd drown my savings and end up in debt and what would I even study? I have no dreams. No passions. No talents AT ALL!

How can anyone who sits on his computer day in day out doing nothing and then goes to his job and is more incompetent than everyone else who has ever attempted this career have self esteem? It's got to the point where I don't even give a crap anymore. I clock off early, work less than full time (my hours are flexible so I can work from home and I tell myself that I will. But then I can't concentrate either at home or work). I try to work hard but my mind just doesn't function a full working week. Barely functions at all.

Right now I just want to leave this job and go into another (just choose on e at random that doesn't involve expensive retraining! Anything!). But I want to be not burdened by expecting to fail before I start (which stops me even applying!).

My one friend and my parents (and there's awkwardness there) are pretty much my only comfort. you can't rest your happiness on so little. And my parents won't last forever. That's why I'm paranoid about my future wrt this friend and paranoid about making more REAL friends. I know he won't desert me but things will never be the same again and with no other friends too much at stake.  I want to know I can still truly bond with people. get confidants. Thanks for the social advice. I am awkward and shy but believe it or not, not always and I can make friends at least. I can be charming at first. Sometimes even funny. Only sometimes of course but that isn't my biggest worry. It's going to the next level of close friends that I worry I'm not capable of. And the gulf between me and young people on one hand and people my age who all have kids on the other hand doesn't make things any easier.

Hey Pal!  :)

Man I am happy you are moving past the advice on dating, and concentrating on yourself.  You'll be avoiding major complications and dramas!  My motto, if it happens it happens.  

You've got a couple things going on here, I'm thrilled to hear you're charming.  People, men/women love charming. 

Let's not worry about parents not being here one day, do you really want to add that to your list of worries?  Why are you paranoid in making more real friends?  Of course you can still truly bond with others, just give it a try and let's see how that works out.  Don't knock it before you try it, right?  If you can still make friends you've got a lot more going on than most people.  Hold onto that.  Be proud you've got a trait called charm.  People actually pay and go to school to learn how to be charming.  Sounds like you got it naturally.  

You're funny too?  Okay, sounds like we've got some good steps here. 

Maybe what is weighing on you and has you so down is the depression itself.  Don't let depression discourage you, and that's easier said than done.  I know, I truly know.  

Going back to school, I agree that's a debt you might not want right now.  Changing jobs, might give you a better outlook on life since it sounds like you hate your job/or industry you're in.  

Once you're depression is under control and getting treated, hopefully your outlook will change.  In the meantime, I'm hoping you join a second group of like-minded people or reach out to the people in your acting class - and maybe go out to eat (offer to treat, no one turns that down I noticed!), ask a group to a popular movie (if a theater is near you), throw a dinner and invite your friend over and tell him to bring a nice friend (male/female).  

I don't know where you've heard that people in their 20s have it together already.  Are you UK?  I'm US, and people here in their 20s don't have it together.  Of course they think they do.  They believe they know what their talking about, what they think is going on.  And this site isn't full of young people, it's ALL ages, ALL ages.

No one I know who was or is in their 20s has it going on.  No one!  It's the 30s when their figuring it out, and lucky when and if they do.  One can only hope one has their stuff together by 35, 36. 

Next level of close friends you worry you're not capable of?  Worry about today honey, it has its own troubles.  

People your age have kids?  Okay, I hope their happy.

Don't worry about your future with this friend, if he's your friend he'll be there no matter with a baby, wife, whatever, a friend is a friend.   BTW:  What does your therapist say??

Keep in touch.

Take care:)

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Hi,

I have been reading over the forum posts, and there have been a lot of good and kind hearted replies.

The thread has gotten long, but I thought I would try to provide any insight I can in the situation you are describing. There are some pieces I can relate to, and others I can only tell you that I am sorry that you are going through all of this.

You talked and mentioned a lot about relationships, and that sort of unfed desire of having one. You also mentioned that any advice on dating or addressing this issue specifically is unwanted - and I want to tell you that this is a good thing in a lot of ways. This focus on wanting a relationship is something I, and others have gone through. What I have had to accept is that even though the desire to have a relationship is healthy and human in a lot of ways, it should never be the focus of anybody's life. What do you do to change this focus, and not let it get you down?

Well you also went ahead and mentioned that what you are looking for is a way to be happy, and healthy as a single person. I also think this is a really good thing. What does a healthy and happy single person look like to you? I have gone through a lot of loneliness and also a long journey of being single. I thought I would offer a different perspective that I have looked into quite a bit. That is that there are cultures and religions of people who actually thrive on being single and avoiding (unnecessary) sexual encounters. Ironically some of these people attain things like benevolence, inner peace and a sense of happiness.

How do they do this?

From personal experience I can tell you that being helpful to other people, being friendly and having a selfless nature can be really great things. The major thing though is rediscovering what in life does make you happy or give you joy? These don't have to be specific things like hobbies either. In my experience it has to do a lot with attitude. What are times of your life where your attitude has thrived and given you great experiences? What allowed that to happen?

In my experience I've had to find positive thought patterns and stick to them, but a key thing is is not to beat yourself up if something bad happens, but instead acknowledging it, accepting it, and in the best case scenario learning from it.

When it comes to friends, and even relationships for that matter, there are people everywhere. When you say hi to the grocery clerk, when you attend acting classes, or even when you go to the work place there are people. It doesn't mean you are going to hit it off and hang out together everyday, but you have the opportunity to be friendly, be positive and be helpful everyday, and these things make connections with people even if they are brief.

What I have learned, and yes I am also single and have been for a long time, is that every experience I have and make can be a positive one. They aren't always successful, and I still get down and feel sad and maybe angry from time to time, but the more I allow myself to acknowledge my feelings, and pick myself up the easier it is to get on track.

Your life should be enjoyable and there should be enjoyable things in your life.

Be good to yourself and be good to others,

I hope any of this can help !!

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Well... guess what. I can't do it. It's impossible. It's beyond me. In the past few months I tried and tried and tried and tried just to live, take my therapy seriously, improve my self esteem, not dwell on the future and solve my various life problems and regard growing old alone as not such a big deal.

And I do make progress sometimes. Small steps. Like managing to avoid the internet and being productive for a few days or getting a bit more exercise than usual, going to meetup groups whatever. But I only get so far before I come crashing back. And trying to work out why I only get so far while ignoring the growing old alone thing is basically ignoring the elephant in the room. It won't go away.

Like it or not the only way older single people survive in a society 100% about love and family and relationships is because they occasionally date and still have hope. No one can grow old without at least that. Our society and nature doesn't allow it. Now the only social circle I ever felt true happiness in has become just yet another ****ing couples + me scenario and I can't pretend any more that I can just grow up and learn to enjoy my friends company without (internally) being bitter and hating it.

The stupid thing is I do have much more social skills than I had in my 20s. Which isn't saying much - I was the worst kind of neckbeard weirdo back then. But if I was where I am now mentally 10 years ago maybe I would have stood a chance. But now I finally break free from the neckbeard weirdo phase only to find I'm too late and missed the boat.

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Hi

I just read all this and am confused.

You don't sound undateable.

Also, "dating" can be really horrible. Lots of people hate it. It can be really judgemental.

I realise you don't want what you call "dating advice" so that's not why I'm saying this, I just mean that people get into relationships without ever dating.

I have been in five meaningful relationships in my life and have never gone on a "date" because I find dating hideous.

I got to know my partners at school, uni, work or by accident.

What matters *IN* a relationship is whether you're a great person.

Not whether you're dating material.

Sure, society usually has it set up so that "dating" is the hurdle you must jump, to get *into* a relationship in the first place.

But you don't have to play by those superficial rules.

All you need to do is to show people you are a lovely person. Eventually someone notices.

That's it.

Seriously.

I would give up on "dating" if I were you, but not on relationships.

You need to fix your self-esteem issues tho.

Else when someone does like you, your self-esteem issues may get in the way.

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@Sophy Thanks for believing I'm not undateable. But this:

 

20 minutes ago, Sophy said:

I have been in five meaningful relationships in my life and have never gone on a "date" because I find dating hideous.

I got to know my partners at school, uni, work or by accident.


... just proves just how much of a different species I really am.

In fact scratch what I said about how maybe I'd stand a chance if I had gained the social skills I have now 10 years earlier. Honestly, I don't think I even fully appreciate the full scale of just how incompatible with humanity I really truly am. The fact that humans, every human, don't even need to date but just use the part of their brain and mysterious magic that doesn't even exist in me to form connections that are beyond even my comprehension just gives me some inkling of how abnormal I really still am.

No, somehow I have to figure out how to cope with growing old alone. It's the only way. I just can't cope no matter how hard I try do it! I just can't! I can't ignore love and companionship! I just can't! How do I train my mind to cope with it? Not to mention that growing old alone inevitably leads to no friends either in the end.


 

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1 minute ago, NothingToLiveFor said:

I don't think I even fully appreciate the full scale of just how incompatible with humanity I really truly am. The fact that humans, every human, don't even need to date but just use the part of their brain and mysterious magic that doesn't even exist in me to form connections that are beyond even my comprehension just gives me some inkling of how abnormal I really still am.

 

What are you talking about?  : )

A lot of people are unusual or not average. We don't all have to be like the people in the ads in TV.

Nearly all of the wonderful people I know and love most dearly are freaks and nerds and misfits : )

Maybe you just hang out with the wrong crowd - maybe they're just too ordinary and run of the mill.

Can you please describe what makes you "abnormal"?

Cos from what you write, you seem pretty normal to me (and you even seem nice), just like you have some self-esteem issues and are freaking out about some stuff.

 

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There are some of us who will not follow the social norm of marriage and procreation. For me I cope with my decision to not have children because of my health with thinking of the things I can do that people with children will not, or at least things I would not be willing to sacrifice my family for if I had my own. I enjoy school, hobbies, friends, and my niece and honestly enjoy my time alone.

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