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Should I do Whatever it Takes for love?--


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So things with my boyfriend have improved slightly. He has picked up the motivation to fight this immigration case and has become more involved in our now rekindled relationship. There is only one problem. He told me today that he would very much like to take part in a polyamourous relationship with me and another girl we would choose together. My first reaction was shock then it changed to anger and then it quickly morphed into this immense sadness that hollowed out my chest where there had once been fulfillment. Our monogamous relationship had filled a cavity in my heart that I had never felt full before and in that moment it emptied out again. Even worse I was right outside my job getting ready to walk into a five hour shift with no breaks. I crossed the threshold of my work with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. So many questions were running through my mind. Why am I not good enough? What does he need that I don't have? What's wrong with me? Why am I every ones second choice? For the entirety of my life I have been the girl that guys turn to when the better option is unavailable. This is the first relationship in which I felt like he loved me for me and it was genuine , but in that moment I felt like it was all a lie. 

So there I was at work confronted with the fact that my boyfriend wanted another girlfriend with absolutely no chance to hide somewhere and rid myself of the tears I was trying so desperately yo fight back . I didn't want to think about it , for fear that the hurt would cause me to burst into tears (or worse an anxiety attack) in front of all of my coworkers and customers. But the more I tried to push it back the more it bubbled to the surface. My therapists use the following analogy: if you try to hold a beach ball under water you will eventually lose control of it and it'll hit you in the face. I was staring face to face at a full blown meltdown in my near future if I didn't let myself think it through. 

My first logical thought was that if I wasn't comfortable with this the relationship would have to end. That made the whole in my heart widen. I do not want to lose him. He is the first man I have ever truly loved and I cannot stand the thought of letting him go. I have been in a polyamourous relationship before and it was actually mutually beneficial. I was just so stunned that he was unsatisfied that it left me reeling. The more I thought about the idea the more I began to warm up to it. I am not super comfortable with it and if it were up to me completely I would want him to myself, but his emotions and needs count to. I am bisexual so it wouldn't be inconvenient to me. I just think that I must do what I can to keep this love alive. Because he wouldn't have been the one to end it , I would have. I feel like this is a sacrifice I can make , one that won't always feel like a sacrifice. 

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I can appreciate your thinking and it make sense to look at it from your point of view as a bisexual . Initially I felt you would be offended by the thought of sharing however you have thought it through and I guess it is your choice. 

I was concerned that you seemed to have no choice and it was a 'take it or leave it : situation.   I can see the pros and cons as you do 

 

Dad123

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  • 2 weeks later...

Some folks are just wired differently. Some prefer monogamous relationships, some polyamorous. Some prefer to stay single. It doesn't necessarily mean you are not enough for him or he is unsatisfied. It's possible he is just wired to want to share love with more than one person.

That said, if you don't share the same feelings, I think you would be doing yourself a disservice to engage in such a relationship, hoping to eventually adjust to it. If you truly love each other, you shouldn't have to do anything to "keep the love alive."

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I am sorry about the struggles you are having with your current relationship. It is understandable all the feelings that you are going through. Love involves faithfulness, commitment and exclusivity. It is natural that you feel in your heart that you want to be the only one for you boyfriend. That is printed in your heart. Nobody wants to be loved partially for someone else. Have you thought of asking him why he wants to do that? I’m glad to know that you are in therapy. Have you talked with your therapist about these topics? Let me tell you that love starts within you. After all that you’ve been through, do you see this man as someone who really loves you, respects you or someone who wants to use you? Love is fulfilled when couples correspond to each other. It seems that he does not feel the same way that you do. Let me tell you that you are not able to do whatever it takes to reach the love of someone. You are an important, valuable person and worth of dignity. We should value ourselves that others can love us first. And I am sure he is not the last man that you would meet. Please do not feel discourage! Hang it there! That is a process of any person who wants to meet their soulmate. I encourage you to cultivate friendships. This is a beautiful time to work in yourself. And you can do that with your therapist. She or He can help you to discover your strengths and weaknesses and work about them. Have you ever thought forgiving yourself, your relatives, and your personal history? Forgiveness is the first step for healing and change. Let me tell you that before I met my husband I felt like you in some way because some men looked at me as second chance. But then I understood, that life was preparing me to meet the right person. And it was in that way. Do you have a faith or believe system to help guide through this? You’ll be in my prayers. 

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