Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
zzzsheepyzzz

Overwhelmed with feeling like no chance for a girlfriend

Recommended Posts

Hi,

I have several issues, and for awhile I thought I was doing pretty good. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I put so much value in having a girlfriend and a relationship that I feel like I just want to die now.

It sounds kind of funny and maybe even pathetic, but it is always on my mind and it always ruminates in my head. I have lost a lot of interest in the world over the past few years. The idea of travel, which seems popular to many people around my age disgusts and exhausts me. The thought of going to a "tropical paradise relaxation resort" makes me feel sick. Maybe because its fake, but probably because any such paradise won't last. More to the point because I hardly believe in external circumstances solving much for me anymore. I've explored hobbies, creative outlets and video games which have been able to help keep my head above water, and have even become sort of good at them. They don't bring me much though aside from occupying my time and bringing mild to moderate amusement.

Recently I started college, which took a lot of courage. It's in Visual design, specifically, but explores the IT and Digital media spectrum of things. It goes at a snail's pace, and everyday is alright. Still, there is no big fancy job over the horizon, and I'm lucky if I even get a job by the time its through - though I don't even know if I care. I'm usually alone, and when I go to school it is usually the only place I go aside from the grocery store. I have no lively friends, and if I see a friend it is very rare and it is an old friend - and it can be hard to see old friends too often sometimes, maybe because its from a past life.

The only thing I have ever been able to look forward to, and the only thing which has turned me to make many positive choices in my life is the prospect that maybe I can get a girlfriend. I desperately tried everything possible to be the most gentleman type of person I can be, but the pain of waking up day after day to more loneliness is just too much. In fact, it actually gets worse. This is why I am so sad, because the more I try to be good, and to be a prospect for a relationship, the more lonely I become. Because it doesn't seem to matter what I do. Some people are in relationships, and some people are not. The people who are have problems relative to their situation, just as the people who are single have problems relative to their situation.

Why do I feel at the end of my ropes? Because the problem relative to my situation is I am perpetually without any semblance of any slightest sign that I will ever be in a relationship. I'm a loser. I never go out, and there is nothing I ever want to do.

What bothers me is that I put having a girlfriend/relationship on such a pedestal that it is pathetic. Why is it pathetic? Because when I actually meet what people are actually like I realize that ...they just don't really care about the kind of stuff I care about. Girls, from my experience seem to care about their social circles, their instagram, doing activities, achieving things, maybe achieving the perfect husband with money career and cars. ...The only thing I really care about is the idea of having a girlfriend. My existence is pretty grim, and from what I gather you have to be anything but grim to have a girlfriend.

The problem then is that if I want to have a girlfriend I seem to be supposed to "lure" them in with money, wealth, a fancy career and so forth, so that I can marry them and trap them in a home that I work and pay for. Then there is the ironic possibility that at some point they realize they are only with me because of the wealth and things, and actually want real love somewhere down the line (which is all I ever really want/wanted anyways).  At least this is the impression I seem to be getting about this, because this idea is pretty grim to me. Why would I even want this? Anyways, this appears to be the reality, and so there seems to be no point in actually pursuing a relationship. Is this how its always been? Am I missing something? I really hate being a male, and often times wish I was a girl.

This is just so s***ty. I don't like any of this, and I hate my life, and I hate life.
I live with my parents, I have food, some income, security - basically all my basic needs.

However, this wanting a relationship is really weighing on me. I begin to idealize death a lot. The reality of having a relationship just seems so utterly terrible based on my impression of it from the above paragraph.

I honestly feel like there is little point to living life other than base survival, and base survival is so... vanilla because my mind wants something else.

Thanks for reading my passage.

Edited by zzzsheepyzzz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your reply,

and you're right

Maybe I need to reach out a little bit more and stop trying to hold everything inside all of the time.

Again, thanks for taking the time to hear me out

Edited by zzzsheepyzzz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your lines on "social circles, their instagram, doing activities, achieving things, maybe achieving the perfect husband with money career and cars" don't match up with the intelligent women I know.  Are these the girls you're encountering?  Achieving the perfect husband, money and car?  What college are you attending?  "Lure them in with money, wealth, a fancy career and so forth."  Honey, if you are encountering young girls like this run in the opposite direction.

How to find a like-minded girl?  Things that interest you, join that club in school and find a girl there.  Young girls I know love kindness, humor, intelligence, ambition, fun, they want to laugh and be entertained just like you.  Don't prioritize getting a girl, work on yourself and find out more about females.  Don't lump us all into one boat.  Don't get your opinions about us off IG or reality tv or some gossip or complaints you hear about us.

We're human just like you.  

We're all different just like you guys are different.  When the time is right, when you're ready life will present a very sweet intelligent girl to you.  Make sure you're ready for her, and watch what you say.  Yes we are sensitive.  I appreciate reading your post.  I wish you the best success in school and in life. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

sheepy, I think you're putting the cart before the horse.  Having a girlfriend is not the answer to happiness unless you meet the right type of girl where you both fill each other's gaps and expand each other's horizons.  You've have a dark view of your prospects in life--one that doesn't seem reasonable to me.  For example, the idea of going on a vacation to a tropical resort shouldn't really make you feel sick--nor is it fake.  It's place to go to experience something different from what you normally experience and it's opportunity to enjoy a happy moment in life and create a good memory.   Even if a tropical resort isn't your thing, the concept still applies whether it's going on camping trip or a cruise to Alaska.   You're in school working towards a degree and a career that is still a few years away from coming to fruition.   You have no idea what your job prospects will be at that time, so why assume that you won't get a good job?   If nothing you have in your life gives you any pleasure or joy, then just adding a girlfriend to the mix isn't going to be very fulfilling nor is it going to suddenly make everything else in your life exciting and happy.  People (men and women) are attracted to people that have a zest for life.   You want friends that are fun to be around, that make you laugh, that are supportive and make you feel safe and comfortable.  You don't know to put on some sort of James Bond gentleman's act to find a girlfriend---in fact, most girls will see right through that BS.   Also, if you think all girls are these bubble heads that only care about selfies, facebook posts, twitter follows, popularity, and marrying a rich guy etc, you pursuing the wrong women.  First, you may be judging those women too harshly.   There are definitely vapid people out there, but just because a person likes posting silly pictures to facebook doesn't make them a shallow ***** (although the possibility they are is somewhat higher).  :)  Second, there are plenty of wonderful women at there that have substance, intelligence and care about things that matter in this world.  Third, focus on having healthy, fulfilling friendships with both guys and girls.  You'll find a girlfriend, but it won't work when you're trying to force the issue.  Finally, young 18-19 year old girls are young and are often silly.   They don't stay that way forever.  I think dating gets easier as you get older and you and the people you date have more life experience and greater sense of what matters.  Whether you're a guy or girl, when you get a little older and start thinking about getting married and starting a family, the things you look for in a person change a lot.   

        

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, Steve74 said:

Having a girlfriend is not the answer to happiness unless you meet the right type of girl where you both fill each other's gaps and expand each other's horizons.

Amen! Seems to be a very common thread that guys here think that having a girlfriend will magically fix their lives. Most women don't want to be with someone they have to mother, they want a partner. Someone needy with no ambitions and nothing going for them just doesn't make an attractive partner to anyone who has a healthy mind. 

@zzzsheepyzzz, the other question is what kind of woman you're after. Most women don't require you to be rich, are you only interested in the model-types that are way out of your league and would only be with you for money? Find an average woman with a good personality and good values. Not saying that beautiful women don't have that but you need to focus on those with similar market value so to speak. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Amen! Seems to be a very common thread that guys here think that having a girlfriend will magically fix their lives. Most women don't want to be with someone they have to mother, they want a partner. Someone needy with no ambitions and nothing going for them just doesn't make an attractive partner to anyone who has a healthy mind. 

@zzzsheepyzzz, the other question is what kind of woman you're after. Most women don't require you to be rich, are you only interested in the model-types that are way out of your league and would only be with you for money? Find an average woman with a good personality and good values. Not saying that beautiful women don't have that but you need to focus on those with similar market value so to speak. 

Physical attraction alone doesn't get you very far in a relationship.   You have to have some physical attraction, but personality, common interests and values are what make the relationship worth having for both parties.  Unfortunately, when you're 18 or 19, you don't really see that side of the equation nor will many of the girls you date (they are still girls and not full fledged women at that age).   Young girls and guys can be very foolish.  Like I said, it does get easier as you get older.    :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi,

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and providing some input.

In regards to my views and post, it was sort of playing on the expectations that I feel society and media put on being a guy. I guess it's supposed to be a bit exxagerated, but the point I'm trying to make is that self improvement, focusing on myself and my own happiness has, for whatever reason has led me to a life of loneliness, and saying in my head "I want to die".

My problem, and I admit it's a problem, is that I'm obsessed with having a girlfriend, it's all I want is just a normal relationship like I used to be able to have when I was a teenager. The actual problem is that when I meet people and girls I'm polite and decent, but there is never any connection that leads to anything. 

Also the majority of girls I encounter are already in relationships and 9 times out of 10 it is a guy with a career and independence, money etc.

In my head it clicks that without these qualities I won't have a relationship and so I live each day with a smile on my face and feeling dead inside.

I feel like a loser because of this, because I don't seem to have the qualities of the boyfriends, fiance's and husband's I hear about, and most of the time it has to do with having a career and money.

I guess even if I'm wrong about all of this, the loneliness hurts and there is never any solution present. ive really tried a lot and tried being positive. Maybe in like 5 years I'll have a job, but the idea of only having a relationship because I have a job is kind of sad. Maybe it will happen someday idk thanks anyway

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

It sounds kind of funny and maybe even pathetic, but it is always on my mind and it always ruminates in my head. I have lost a lot of interest in the world over the past few years. The idea of travel, which seems popular to many people around my age disgusts and exhausts me. The thought of going to a "tropical paradise relaxation resort" makes me feel sick. Maybe because its fake, but probably because any such paradise won't last. More to the point because I hardly believe in external circumstances solving much for me anymore. I've explored hobbies, creative outlets and video games which have been able to help keep my head above water, and have even become sort of good at them. They don't bring me much though aside from occupying my time and bringing mild to moderate amusement.

Curious what you find so "fake" about travel? It doesn't have to be a "tropical paradise relaxation resort", it can be national parks, historic cities, museums, concerts, new places, new things, whatever. Hell of a lot to see out there. Course the being wherever is temporary, but the memories are a lifetime and if you get the chance to share them it's brilliant. Could even help you meet someone, travel is a great talking point with pretty much endless possibilities.

 

Quote

What bothers me is that I put having a girlfriend/relationship on such a pedestal that it is pathetic. Why is it pathetic? Because when I actually meet what people are actually like I realize that ...they just don't really care about the kind of stuff I care about. Girls, from my experience seem to care about their social circles, their instagram, doing activities, achieving things, maybe achieving the perfect husband with money career and cars. ...The only thing I really care about is the idea of having a girlfriend. My existence is pretty grim, and from what I gather you have to be anything but grim to have a girlfriend.

I know it might not feel like it right now, but getting a girlfriend isn't the be all end all. I had times when I was younger that I felt like I'd be single forever. Course, it was never that likely, not a fan of the expression but it's true, there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you do get a girlfriend and she makes everything better, great. Nobody should bear that responsibility though, it's important to be realistic. 

Different people have different interests and priorities. My wife isn't that interested in the perfect husband with money, career and cars. Course there are girls interested in what you're interested in, whatever that is. 

Quote

The problem then is that if I want to have a girlfriend I seem to be supposed to "lure" them in with money, wealth, a fancy career and so forth, so that I can marry them and trap them in a home that I work and pay for. Then there is the ironic possibility that at some point they realize they are only with me because of the wealth and things, and actually want real love somewhere down the line (which is all I ever really want/wanted anyways).  At least this is the impression I seem to be getting about this, because this idea is pretty grim to me. Why would I even want this? Anyways, this appears to be the reality, and so there seems to be no point in actually pursuing a relationship. Is this how its always been? Am I missing something? I really hate being a male, and often times wish I was a girl.

Be a girl if you want, it's possible. You're actually being quite misogynistic and judgmental towards women here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, RichW said:

Curious what you find so "fake" about travel? It doesn't have to be a "tropical paradise relaxation resort", it can be national parks, historic cities, museums, concerts, new places, new things, whatever. Hell of a lot to see out there. Course the being wherever is temporary, but the memories are a lifetime and if you get the chance to share them it's brilliant. Could even help you meet someone, travel is a great talking point with pretty much endless possibilities.

 

I know it might not feel like it right now, but getting a girlfriend isn't the be all end all. I had times when I was younger that I felt like I'd be single forever. Course, it was never that likely, not a fan of the expression but it's true, there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you do get a girlfriend and she makes everything better, great. Nobody should bear that responsibility though, it's important to be realistic. 

Different people have different interests and priorities. My wife isn't that interested in the perfect husband with money, career and cars. Course there are girls interested in what you're interested in, whatever that is. 

Be a girl if you want, it's possible. You're actually being quite misogynistic and judgmental towards women here.

hi, I thought I'd answer your post because you asked some questions,

1) the first point regarding travel was meant to illustrate that I lack interest in things that most people around me seem to express excitement in. What I meant here was that in my world, people around me express excitement about life, travel, opportunities etc. (in best case scenarios at least) and I simply have little or no interest over these things. I wouldn't turn them down per say, but most of the time I just wonder why I'm not just dead. I'm very lonely and so the world has become lonely no matter where I go. My post was meant to express my frustration with being so lonely, and my inability to fix it, since "trying to have a girlfriend" is everything I shouldn't be doing according to the good advice I receive.

2) You're probably right here. It's just been a long time and I feel like I'm single mainly because of my lack of social status and money. The passage, I guess, was more of a satire explaining that when we become adults superficiality seems to run rampant. I feel like a lot of girls my age right now care about superficial things, but down the line that will probably change. I guess I just feel burned by it all, and in a state of flux and hurt.

3) I struggle with being misogynistic. I don't want to be. A lot of my post was meant to be exaggerated and satirical but maybe its misogynistic all the same. The idea of actually becoming a girl doesn't really stick with me.

Anyways, thanks for taking the time and giving an authentic response from a different perspective

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, zzzsheepyzzz said:

Hi,

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and providing some input.

In regards to my views and post, it was sort of playing on the expectations that I feel society and media put on being a guy. I guess it's supposed to be a bit exxagerated, but the point I'm trying to make is that self improvement, focusing on myself and my own happiness has, for whatever reason has led me to a life of loneliness, and saying in my head "I want to die".

My problem, and I admit it's a problem, is that I'm obsessed with having a girlfriend, it's all I want is just a normal relationship like I used to be able to have when I was a teenager. The actual problem is that when I meet people and girls I'm polite and decent, but there is never any connection that leads to anything. 

Also the majority of girls I encounter are already in relationships and 9 times out of 10 it is a guy with a career and independence, money etc.

In my head it clicks that without these qualities I won't have a relationship and so I live each day with a smile on my face and feeling dead inside.

I feel like a loser because of this, because I don't seem to have the qualities of the boyfriends, fiance's and husband's I hear about, and most of the time it has to do with having a career and money.

I guess even if I'm wrong about all of this, the loneliness hurts and there is never any solution present. ive really tried a lot and tried being positive. Maybe in like 5 years I'll have a job, but the idea of only having a relationship because I have a job is kind of sad. Maybe it will happen someday idk thanks anyway

I am going to address your statements point by point:

1.  You wrote:  "In regards to my views and post, it was sort of playing on the expectations that I feel society and media put on being a guy. I guess it's supposed to be a bit exxagerated, but the point I'm trying to make is that self improvement, focusing on myself and my own happiness has, for whatever reason has led me to a life of loneliness, and saying in my head 'I want to die'."

If you're journey towards self-improvement and personal happiness has led you to a life a loneliness, isolation and misery, your doing it wrong and heading in the wrong direction.   You don't got on the journey of a lifetime without a guide.  You need a good therapist, lifecoach or someone you respect that can help you find inner peace and satisfaction.   Once you reach the point where you feel comfortable in your own skin and realize what you have to offer the world, you'll find that you have healthy friendships and romantic relationships.   

2.  "My problem, and I admit it's a problem, is that I'm obsessed with having a girlfriend, it's all I want is just a normal relationship like I used to be able to have when I was a teenager. The actual problem is that when I meet people and girls I'm polite and decent, but there is never any connection that leads to anything."

A person can sense obsession and desperation a mile away.  I am sure  you've probably met a few girls that seemed that way to you---very eager to get involved fast.   They weren't girls you were interested i because you probably didn't think they were attractive and they just sort of creeped you out.    If you're obsessed with finding a girlfriend and treat ever girl you meet like a potential lover, they are going to pick up on that and you're going to creep them out.   Being polite is fine, but no girl is going to want to date a guy that gives off the stalker vibe.   I am not saying that's what you're doing, but when you have that "obsession to find a girlfriend" I can see how a girl might bet the wrong idea.   You need to chill the f---k out dude!!   Having a girlfriend is not that big of deal.   If all you want is a girlfriend, you will eventually find one and she'll be a nut case because she'll be the type of girl that is just desperate to have a boyfriend.   You'll have a relationship based on mutual insecurity, but not much else.   That is not going to be fun or happy for anyone.,   You're goal should be to find the right girl that things just click with because you're both in a healthy state of mind and have common interests and values.   

I also want to clarify something---you're a young college freshmen that is talking about being obsessed with finding a girlfriend.   Is this what you really want?   When you're depressed and feel out of focus, adding a girlfriend to the mix can complicate things and make them worse (until you find balance in life).   Maybe you just need to have contact with someone other than yourself?  There are definitely ways to safely achieve that without getting involved in a relationship or even putting yourself in a position to be rejected.  You can PM me if you can't read between the lines.   You may just need a little something to take the edge off so you can focus on the things that should matter now.   

3.     "Also the majority of girls I encounter are already in relationships and 9 times out of 10 it is a guy with a career and independence, money etc In my head it clicks that without these qualities I won't have a relationship and so I live each day with a smile on my face and feeling dead inside.  I feel like a loser because of this, because I don't seem to have the qualities of the boyfriends, fiance's and husband's I hear about, and most of the time it has to do with having a career and money."

You're a freshmen in college.  Why compare yourself to a guy that's years old and in a different stage in life.   How does that make any sense?   I was a poor college kid and than a poor law student for 7 years.  I drove rusty piece of crap car with a hole in the floor and seats that weren't properly bolted into the vehicle.   I at raman noddles for lunch every day and would not eat for a couple of days to have enough money to take a girl out ot pizza or a chinese food.   I get it!!   I had a job, but I was paid crap money and most of it I had to use for books, rent etc.   I also can tell you it isn't always going to be like that.   You'll eventually have money and a career.   If a girl is looking for a guy that she is going to marry right now and take care of her, she's not the girl for you.   You're offering girls a loving, caring guy with future potential.   Plenty of girls will be happy with that and aren't ready for or interested in meeting some older rich dude that is either looking to get married now or, alternative, just have fun with them for a while until the next girl comes alone.  The girl that gets you now, is getting in on the ground floor of a good opportunity. ;)  

4.   "I guess even if I'm wrong about all of this, the loneliness hurts and there is never any solution present. ive really tried a lot and tried being positive. Maybe in like 5 years I'll have a job, but the idea of only having a relationship because I have a job is kind of sad. Maybe it will happen someday idk thanks anyway"

"Trying" to be positive doesn't work in this type of situation.   You need to find something that you genuinely feel positive about--preferably something that involves interaction with other people.   Whether it's a drama club, dance lessons, art lessons, martial arts, working out, joining some clubs at school, getting involved in some community projects etc.--those are things that will help you feel good about yourself and your life.   The positive energy will build inside you on its own---that's just how it works.   If you're out there doing something you feel good and enthusiastic about, people will be attracted to your positive energy.   You will actually be positive instead of just trying to be positive.   Sitting around sulking and feeling sorry for yourself 70% of the time isn't going to make you feel like a genuine positive person.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Steve74 said:

I am going to address your statements point by point:

1.  You wrote:  "In regards to my views and post, it was sort of playing on the expectations that I feel society and media put on being a guy. I guess it's supposed to be a bit exxagerated, but the point I'm trying to make is that self improvement, focusing on myself and my own happiness has, for whatever reason has led me to a life of loneliness, and saying in my head 'I want to die'."

If you're journey towards self-improvement and personal happiness has led you to a life a loneliness, isolation and misery, your doing it wrong and heading in the wrong direction.   You don't got on the journey of a lifetime without a guide.  You need a good therapist, lifecoach or someone you respect that can help you find inner peace and satisfaction.   Once you reach the point where you feel comfortable in your own skin and realize what you have to offer the world, you'll find that you have healthy friendships and romantic relationships.   

2.  "My problem, and I admit it's a problem, is that I'm obsessed with having a girlfriend, it's all I want is just a normal relationship like I used to be able to have when I was a teenager. The actual problem is that when I meet people and girls I'm polite and decent, but there is never any connection that leads to anything."

A person can sense obsession and desperation a mile away.  I am sure  you've probably met a few girls that seemed that way to you---very eager to get involved fast.   They weren't girls you were interested i because you probably didn't think they were attractive and they just sort of creeped you out.    If you're obsessed with finding a girlfriend and treat ever girl you meet like a potential lover, they are going to pick up on that and you're going to creep them out.   Being polite is fine, but no girl is going to want to date a guy that gives off the stalker vibe.   I am not saying that's what you're doing, but when you have that "obsession to find a girlfriend" I can see how a girl might bet the wrong idea.   You need to chill the f---k out dude!!   Having a girlfriend is not that big of deal.   If all you want is a girlfriend, you will eventually find one and she'll be a nut case because she'll be the type of girl that is just desperate to have a boyfriend.   You'll have a relationship based on mutual insecurity, but not much else.   That is not going to be fun or happy for anyone.,   You're goal should be to find the right girl that things just click with because you're both in a healthy state of mind and have common interests and values.   

I also want to clarify something---you're a young college freshmen that is talking about being obsessed with finding a girlfriend.   Is this what you really want?   When you're depressed and feel out of focus, adding a girlfriend to the mix can complicate things and make them worse (until you find balance in life).   Maybe you just need to have contact with someone other than yourself?  There are definitely ways to safely achieve that without getting involved in a relationship or even putting yourself in a position to be rejected.  You can PM me if you can't read between the lines.   You may just need a little something to take the edge off so you can focus on the things that should matter now.   

3.     "Also the majority of girls I encounter are already in relationships and 9 times out of 10 it is a guy with a career and independence, money etc In my head it clicks that without these qualities I won't have a relationship and so I live each day with a smile on my face and feeling dead inside.  I feel like a loser because of this, because I don't seem to have the qualities of the boyfriends, fiance's and husband's I hear about, and most of the time it has to do with having a career and money."

You're a freshmen in college.  Why compare yourself to a guy that's years old and in a different stage in life.   How does that make any sense?   I was a poor college kid and than a poor law student for 7 years.  I drove rusty piece of crap car with a hole in the floor and seats that weren't properly bolted into the vehicle.   I at raman noddles for lunch every day and would not eat for a couple of days to have enough money to take a girl out ot pizza or a chinese food.   I get it!!   I had a job, but I was paid crap money and most of it I had to use for books, rent etc.   I also can tell you it isn't always going to be like that.   You'll eventually have money and a career.   If a girl is looking for a guy that she is going to marry right now and take care of her, she's not the girl for you.   You're offering girls a loving, caring guy with future potential.   Plenty of girls will be happy with that and aren't ready for or interested in meeting some older rich dude that is either looking to get married now or, alternative, just have fun with them for a while until the next girl comes alone.  The girl that gets you now, is getting in on the ground floor of a good opportunity. ;)  

4.   "I guess even if I'm wrong about all of this, the loneliness hurts and there is never any solution present. ive really tried a lot and tried being positive. Maybe in like 5 years I'll have a job, but the idea of only having a relationship because I have a job is kind of sad. Maybe it will happen someday idk thanks anyway"

"Trying" to be positive doesn't work in this type of situation.   You need to find something that you genuinely feel positive about--preferably something that involves interaction with other people.   Whether it's a drama club, dance lessons, art lessons, martial arts, working out, joining some clubs at school, getting involved in some community projects etc.--those are things that will help you feel good about yourself and your life.   The positive energy will build inside you on its own---that's just how it works.   If you're out there doing something you feel good and enthusiastic about, people will be attracted to your positive energy.   You will actually be positive instead of just trying to be positive.   Sitting around sulking and feeling sorry for yourself 70% of the time isn't going to make you feel like a genuine positive person.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

hi,

I appreciate that you are putting in effort to try to help. I read through this post earlier this morning and found that I understand, at least a little, the points you are making.

It's a little bit different then what you describe when you get into specifics, but the overall message I am receiving is that my confidence, and positive attitude should come from things that I am doing in front of me. As soon as I start sulking or "longing" for a relationship it is going to have the opposite effect.

What I am looking for, despite what my original post was, is not a girlfriend or a relationship, but inner peace, confidence and a good attitude.

I don't know why my mind thinks having a girlfriend will simply fix my life. I put too much value on it and it becomes fragile and I worry that any little thing I do will hurt any chance of having a girlfriend, but a person can't live like that and that isn't a healthy attitude to have.

Anyways, thanks for your reply and to everyone else who has given their input. It has given me a lot to reflect on

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think society really pushes that idea that we need to be in a relationship to be 'normal' 'happy' or 'healthy' and that finding 'the one' will magically fix everything.  But it's not true.  Plenty of people are are happy and healthy single and plenty of people in relationships are miserable.

I think holding on to this obsession of wanting a girlfriend might actually be keeping you from your goal. You are putting too much weight on its importance.  I think many people would feel that it's too much pressure to be this idealized person who is suppose to make everything better.  And it probably puts a lot of pressure on you in the moment when you are meeting potential girlfriends because of how much weight you put behind this need.

My advice, and I know it sounds stupid and that it is not at all an easy thing to do, is to find a way to be happy as a single person.  Or at least to be okay as a single person.  If you can do this then a girlfriend is no longer a need but a want.  That will make the pressure so much less for you and the women you are interacting with early on in relationships.  You don't need a partner, but you want one.  That's a good foundation to start a relationship.

As far as actually meeting people, I recommend doing things related to your interests.  Joining a meet up or club or something that you are interested in.  It's so much easier to date someone who has a common interest.

I wish you luck friend.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, zzzsheepyzzz said:

hi,

I appreciate that you are putting in effort to try to help. I read through this post earlier this morning and found that I understand, at least a little, the points you are making.

It's a little bit different then what you describe when you get into specifics, but the overall message I am receiving is that my confidence, and positive attitude should come from things that I am doing in front of me. As soon as I start sulking or "longing" for a relationship it is going to have the opposite effect.

What I am looking for, despite what my original post was, is not a girlfriend or a relationship, but inner peace, confidence and a good attitude.

I don't know why my mind thinks having a girlfriend will simply fix my life. I put too much value on it and it becomes fragile and I worry that any little thing I do will hurt any chance of having a girlfriend, but a person can't live like that and that isn't a healthy attitude to have.

Anyways, thanks for your reply and to everyone else who has given their input. It has given me a lot to reflect on

I am glad I can help a little.  You're right about needing to find inner peace--that is the key and it can be elusive.   We all lose focus of the things that matter from time to time--that's just human nature.  I have found a lot of comfort in certain yoga and meditation classes, which teach controlled breathing, mindfulness and various other techniques that really provide immediate feelings of comfort and relief from anxiety.   It's kind of hard to leave a good yoga class in a bad mood.  Ironically, a lot of the same techniques and tools that are used in transcendental meditation and yoga (like mindfulness) have been adopted by therapists and psychologists for helping people deal with depression and anxiety.  It might be worth considering taking a class in yoga or meditation because, while there's a lot to gain through the activities themselves, there's the period before and after a class where you can talk to be people.  After a while showing up at a class, you will develop casual friendships with people just by familiarity and eventually you can go out for lunch, coffee, tea, drinks etc.  Depending on the studio you attend, you may also find there are more women in these classes than men (just seems to work out that way).   I wouldn't go to a class just to meet women, but if you're sincere in your purpose good things may happen on their own.    

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...