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AnxietyGirl74

Dating Site:Guy Told Me all About Problems-Told Him About Mental, No Contact

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Well, I met this guy online. He seemed really nice. He was Christian, God was really important to him. We clicked on that immediately. He didn't mind that I had gastroparesis and that it was really bad right now where I can't eat at all. Then, he started telling me all these problems his family had and how he didn't have touch with any of them and only recently found out which sister had his mom and where his mom was. After he told me all of this and how dysfunctional his family was, I thought, well, he's told me all this, I can trust to tell about my mental problems. So I did. And I never heard back from him again. 

I'm not saying we would even click in real life, but it kind of hurts a lot that after I open up about my mental problems and I wasn't turned off and was understanding and cared and offered positive words and prayer for him about his family, and he was just done when he found out about mental problems. It makes me feel like I have to hide it from other guys now and I feel like if I date a guy seriously I will still have to hide all my meds for mental health from him or else he's going to get rid of me, too.

I hate this stupid stigma. May trigger....I don't think so, but just in case.....

 

 

 

My grandmother had a nervous breakdown when my mom was 12. She never got help for it and was really off the rest of her life. She heard music that wasn't playing, would fuss at my sister and I for playing it, slept all the time because she went to several different doctors and didn't tell them about all the other sleep meds she was taking so she was taking way too many and almost OD'd on them when I was in 10th grade, my maternal uncle committed suicide, my paternal cousin committed suicide, and I've had to be in a psychiatric hospital twice, once for a nervous breakdown, which had always been my fear since I had learned about her having one when I accidentally found out when I was 12 from a relative who thought I knew. 

So what am I supposed to do. Just not get help and pretend I don't have it. I already learned from my family how that ends up. All of these people all that happened to didn't get help.   You would think we would be at a point after seeing what's happened to all those who didn't get help and seeing all the celebrities that have suffered mental health problems that we would be further along than this.

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Dating and mental health problems don't mix, period. When I was younger I tried online dating and at the time I thought that being open would be a good idea... Without exception they'd immediately vanish or tell me that they couldn't deal with it.

Unless someone is mentally ill themselves they won't want to take on a burden like this. I don't think it's about the stigma, it's just that no one in their right mind will select a partner with major problems as long as they have a choice. In any case, while I don't think you should hide it forever you may want to wait 3 - 6 months until they like you enough to stick around. 

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I'm sorry to hear this. It's not fair, but the majority of people don't take well to prospective dates who have mental concerns. Even to those who are sympathetic, a good number seem to subconsciously devalue those with depression etc because, in their minds, even though they themselves have as many problems as the next person, they seem to see their problems as 'normal' life problems, that 'normal', 'healthy' people have.

However, the bright side is that if this person handled it this way, he's not right for you. Being a Christian doesn't mean the other party will actually act like one. (By which I mean, act like Jesus, BTW, I don't know what some churches mean by being Christian any more).

So I think perhaps you should consider trying to date for a while with a person who clicks with you before mentioning it. They'll see you as a complete person, and not as a label, and can decide where to go from there. Also, if somebody else dumps their life's woes on you, perhaps don't let them try to progress unless you really like them as people.

It goes both ways, after all.

I hope you find more luck with somebody who is right for you. :hugs:

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Thank you both for your replies. You're right, I'm going to keep that close until I know them further down the road from now on. I kind of saw it as being really honest, but you're right, it's still being honest if I tell them later on, I'm just being fair to myself, too. Lesson learned the hard way. 

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I wouldn't say they don't mix. I just think it varies per person, their ideas/beliefs of mental illness, what they are able to deal with, and handle that come with this illness. I have seen relationships last and some end in divorce, etc.  As far as telling them right away or later, I think it varies on the connection you feel with the person. If you tell them right away and they are clueless about this illness they might run away, but then again if you wait too long to tell them what if they get mad?

Some people understand the illness is real, and love their partner that they are able to commit to them until the end.. I have also seen others end up in divorce like I said, or just break-up. That does not mean that all people are close minded when it comes to mental illness. Although many still think of it as a bad thing, dangerous, or it's all in your head, snap out of it theories, if that's the case I think the relationships won't last. (Unless the person gets some education and really cares for you enough to understand it). Some people will stand by you. Some people might not be able to. I don't like to judge every single male out there and say they will run away when they hear of my problems. Some have, some stood by me, so it takes time to find the right person.

In my honest opinion more education needs to be taught about this illness because it's real. And I think many people think of us as dangerous because of what usually is shown in movies or TV.  When in fact so many famous and influential people in history have suffered with such problems. They had no choice but to keep quiet in the old times.

If he can't accept you for who you are then I would move on. I know it hurts, but do you really want to be with someone with does not understand you?

Good luck anxietygirl!

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30 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I wouldn't say they don't mix. I just think it varies per person, their ideas/beliefs of mental illness, what they are able to deal with, and handle that come with this illness. I have seen relationships last and some end in divorce, etc.  As far as telling them right away or later, I think it varies on the connection you feel with the person. If you tell them right away and they are clueless about this illness they might run away, but then again if you wait too long to tell them what if they get mad?

Some people understand the illness is real, and love their partner that they are able to commit to them until the end.. I have also seen others end up in divorce like I said, or just break-up. That does not mean that all people are close minded when it comes to mental illness. Although many still think of it as a bad thing, dangerous, or it's all in your head, snap out of it theories, if that's the case I think the relationships won't last. (Unless the person gets some education and really cares for you enough to understand it). Some people will stand by you. Some people might not be able to. I don't like to judge every single male out there and say they will run away when they hear of my problems. Some have, some stood by me, so it takes time to find the right person.

In my honest opinion more education needs to be taught about this illness because it's real. And I think many people think of us as dangerous because of what usually is shown in movies or TV.  When in fact so many famous and influential people in history have suffered with such problems. They had no choice but to keep quiet in the old times.

If he can't accept you for who you are then I would move on. I know it hurts, but do you really want to be with someone with does not understand you?

Good luck anxietygirl!

Well, I believe it all depends on how serious the relationship is because if it’s not serious enough to be considering this person as your mate for life than there is no need to know.  It should be treated as any other illnesses or sickness.  It will be dealt with when the time comes for the right person to know.  You can not afford going around telling everyone that you have a interest or crush on that you have mental health problems because it will not turn out good for you.

I been married soon to be twenty seven years to my wife and I do not like talking to her about my depression.  Because I can feel her slightly not knowing what to say or how to respond to me when I’m experiencing a difficult moment of my depression and anxiety episodes.  I tend to get to myself to try to sleep it off if I can and if I cannot I just make myself busy working all the time.

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1 minute ago, Floor2017 said:

Well, I believe it all depends on how serious the relationship is because if it’s not serious enough to be considering this person as your mate for life than there is no need to know.  It should be treated as any other illnesses or sickness.  It will be dealt with when the time comes for the right person to know.  You can not afford going around telling everyone that you have a interest or crush on that you have mental health problems because it will not turn out good for you. 

I been married soon to be twenty seven years to my wife and I do not like talking to her about my depression.  Because I can feel her slightly not knowing what to say or how to respond to me when I’m experiencing a difficult moment of my depression and anxiety episodes.  I tend to get to myself to try to sleep it off if I can and if I cannot I just make myself busy working all the time.

I will tell you something once a guy who liked me told me, "It's just an illness, you are receiving treatment for it, and I like you so I don't care what others say".  So I understand what you mean by you can't afford to tell people about this illness as easily as telling someone you have diabetes or cancer, because not everyone believes its real. The world even though it's going to be in the top 5 illnesses (if its not already) in the next years or so, is very behind on believing how real this illness is. But why are other diseases put above this illness? I don't find that fair either.

I don't laugh when I see a cancer patient suffering (and I have lost people from cancer it hurts) so why do others laugh when they see people like us suffering?

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16 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I will tell you something once a guy who liked me told me, "It's just an illness, you are receiving treatment for it, and I like you so I don't care what others say".  So I understand what you mean by you can't afford to tell people about this illness as easily as telling someone you have diabetes or cancer, because not everyone believes its real. The world even though it's going to be in the top 5 illnesses (if its not already) in the next years or so, is very behind on believing how real this illness is. But why are other diseases put above this illness? I don't find that fair either.

I don't laugh when I see a cancer patient suffering (and I have lost people from cancer it hurts) so why do others laugh when they see people like us suffering?

I agree ☝️ 

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It depends on the other person's relationship and understanding of mental illness. I don't remember when I first told my husband I had depression and anxiety, because he never made a big deal out of it. His mom has the same issues, and both he and his mom have told me that I remind them of her. So I think if someone has a close family member or friend with mental health issues, they won't see it as that big of a deal.

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Putting the shoe on the other foot, while he certainly needed to vent, his reaction was pretty standard for someone with depression.  Many if not most of us already feel overwhelmed.  That's the nature of our illness.  Having to then listen to someone else's trials is often too much to handle.  I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I've had to ghost someone b/c I'm already drowning in my own stuff.

Point being, I don't think it was personal at all.  It was his way of coping.  fwiw, I sometimes do it here on DF, too.  Difference being I'll be able to continue to vent to the community and, when I feel better, I'll be able to re-engage.

I'm encouraged that you've recognized the familial connection to your illness and have taken steps to address it.  Do you also have a T with whom you are comfortable and with whom you can regularly vent?

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12 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Putting the shoe on the other foot, while he certainly needed to vent, his reaction was pretty standard for someone with depression.  Many if not most of us already feel overwhelmed.  That's the nature of our illness.  Having to then listen to someone else's trials is often too much to handle.  I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I've had to ghost someone b/c I'm already drowning in my own stuff.

Point being, I don't think it was personal at all.  It was his way of coping.  fwiw, I sometimes do it here on DF, too.  Difference being I'll be able to continue to vent to the community and, when I feel better, I'll be able to re-engage.

I'm encouraged that you've recognized the familial connection to your illness and have taken steps to address it.  Do you also have a T with whom you are comfortable and with whom you can regularly vent?

It is good to have someone to vent to especially if they can understand what you are going through.  That’s why I’m a regular on this DF to vent and to listen to others venting 

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In the online dating world, everybody is applying exclusion criteria vigorously and hastily. One must in order to reduce the people pile to a manageable number one can communicate with.

This guy @AnxietyGirl74 mentions, I don't know what's up in his world. Maybe he's had one bad experience with a person with mental illness which in turn defines the lot of us. But maybe mental illness had nothing at all to do with his ghosting, the conjecture is based entirely upon "afterwards, therefore because of". Another plausible reason is he was engaging in conversations with more than just one woman; cut contact after securing a meet up with one. Or he simply might be misusing a dating site to tell his sad stories like he's sitting down with Oprah. 

I do think mentioning mental illness right away invites elimination - it's bullsh1t because there are so many undiagnosed people out there living in ignorance or in denial (erratic you and I may be - but at least we know why we suddenly unravel.)

Once I meet someone face to face and we're passed superficial stuff, the matter of old Clinny D is coming out because it's a big part of my life. I'm not content for my hopeful heartthrob to learn about it when she's in my bathroom, rifling through my medicine cabinet as is the custom. 😀

Seems to me when dating, everyone is hiding their most unsavory sides until needs must, it's the game. Be mindful it can get tougher to reveal the longer waits. 

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IDK, I told my boyfriend right away that I was bi-polar and he accepted it and we love each other and are still together after 4 years and counting...I think people that shun mentally ill people are the ones with the problem because they are ignorant and scared when it comes to mental illness--They don't want to take the time to give a mentally ill person a chance..Just my opinion..

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27 minutes ago, Paris43 said:

IDK, I told my boyfriend right away that I was bi-polar and he accepted it and we love each other and are still together after 4 years and counting...I think people that shun mentally ill people are the ones with the problem because they are ignorant and scared when it comes to mental illness--They don't want to take the time to give a mentally ill person a chance..Just my opinion..

There's a lot of truth to what you just said my friend

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