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I’ve realized quiet guys have no chance with women


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I once dated a very extroverted guy, he had a ton of friends, acquaintances, had many girl friends (not girlfriends), anytime we’d go out, he’d bump into people he knew and then the annoying talk would go on and on ... it made me so upset.  If we went to a party, he’d want to stay late, I wanted to leave early.  I much prefer a quieter guy, someone to have long, interesting conversations with, either just the two of us or in small groups rather than a larger group.  

Once you start getting to know a person, it’s not as though there will be total silence, of course you’ll be talking and laughing.  I know many couples who are both quiet types and they’re some of the most interesting people I know.  Anyone can be or not be interesting and I don’t see how that’s related to being more or less intro or extroverted.  

The key thing is to be involved in activities.  If you take classes, I highly recommend a real class, and maybe the odd one online.  You’ll get to know people very quickly and do things after class together.

Edited by gs22
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I haven't read the whole thread thus far, but I tend to agree with lonelyforeigner.  I went on a date a couple of days ago (first one in YEARS), and the guy was introverted compared to me (at least that's the impression he gave).  And I understand what you say with the "at this stage" regarding "changing" your personality.  There will come a time, I believe, for you, when you won't give such weight to the importance of being extroverted in order to get into a relationship.  When you're willing to just show up and be who you are, rejection, attraction . . . nothing will be able to stop you from being who and what you are in front of others.  I KNOW people think I'm crazy when I complain about something -- like burnt or cold food at a restaurant; lousy internet service . . . whatever.  But I don't care.  However, that didn't come for me until I reached the age of 40.  I don't even have to be a b.i.t.c.h. to get what I want because there is such power in being who I am.  And trust me, that power will begin to feel good, and "right" and propel you through any circumstance in your life.  You have a right to be "quiet."  If you think there's something wrong with it, it will take you much longer to get where you need to be in accepting yourself. 

Best of luck to you.  Keep practicing accepting yourself.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. 

Edited by womanofthelight
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I'm sorry you feel that way. IMHO, nice guys don't finish last. They finish first. And quiet guys don't need to talk just to fill air time, and there is something very dignified about that. Perhaps you are looking for the right girl in the wrong place? Have you considered maybe a girl that might be a better match for you can be found somewhere other than timber or bumble? You said that you only feel comfortable around women you've gotten to know. How can you expect to get to know someone from meeting on a "hook-up" type dating site?

From what you posted, I can tell you are a sincere person, or else you would try to be that "cocky" type guy that gets all the girls (please don't be that guy!). Have you considered finding a fellowship or community church near you where small groups meet? Maybe finding a nice group of fellow sincere people that you can take the time to get to know might lead you to that sincere woman who will take the time to get to you?

There is a woman out there for you. What can it hurt to try something different to find her?

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I agree with others here. I am an introvert and I thought an extrovert would balance me out and get me out of my shell. My now ex always wanted to go to parties and drink, and he would get rowdy with his friends at sports games, etc. And it made me embarrassed and uncomfortable. It just wasn't my thing. I've started to learn there's a difference between being outgoing as in trying to maintain conversation, which I have been seeing a counsellor for and I am much better at, versus loud people who just talk at you for the sake of talking. Now I'm dating a quieter guy. He was very shy and took a while to open up, but from our early dates I took him to be really respectful and had similar values to mine so I allowed him to take the time he needed. Now I can say that he's the real deal and I hope it lasts. He is much more talkative now, and we go for hikes, etc. So don't think that women are looking for the "bad boys." I've spent years wanting an enduring relationship, but instead got guys who I would try to get to know but all they wanted to do was get sexually intimate and it made me feel cheap and worthless. Now, I know it was worth the wait to find the right person. No matter what age you are. In the end, a girl wants a guy who will make them feel special and treat them with love, dignity, kindness, and respect. At least all the ones I know. 

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I barely even been thinking about this stuff again lately. I can feel my mental health just getting worse. I don’t know what to say about anything anymore. Life really just sucks in every area. I feel if I ever get better it’ll be at a point where it’s too late for me. In terms of relationships I have nothing to offer & it’s just a waste to keep getting angry about it. The women I tend to like seem to be above me in social status as well as having dozens of options to choose from. Just tired of thinking about it & am more worried about my health. I’d genuinely be willing to bet my life savings on that I’ll still be alone with a lot of issues at 40 years old. 

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I would say guys need to balance what they talk on a date. No one is going to have an immediate connection conversation on first date. It takes time but this day an age no one wants to take the time to do this. Imagine being in relationship and being led on the whole time. To thinks are good and have her really just being with you until something better comes along and she cheats and dumps you. It sucks big time.  I don’t understand why a guy is supposed to be a man and take it. We have feelings too. When my ex dumped me 3 years ago I was shaking crying. It takes a lot for me to cry. 

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20 minutes ago, Flyersfan502 said:

I would say guys need to balance what they talk on a date. No one is going to have an immediate connection conversation on first date. It takes time but this day an age no one wants to take the time to do this. Imagine being in relationship and being led on the whole time. To thinks are good and have her really just being with you until something better comes along and she cheats and dumps you. It sucks big time.  I don’t understand why a guy is supposed to be a man and take it. We have feelings too. When my ex dumped me 3 years ago I was shaking crying. It takes a lot for me to cry. 

It just seems like a case of that women have so many options today so in their mind if they feel there's even one thing they feel they're missing out on they'll move on to someone else. It's almost like I wouldn't even know who the trust at this point if I even had a chance with someone. Dating is just a disaster these days it feels like. I genuinely don't know what women even want these days. I obviously don't provide it since I've been on only 1 date in my life. Women aren't jumping at the opportunity to ask me out or anything so I'm obviously not attractive enough to be a head turner for women. I'm probably above average in looks at best but I'm not attractive enough to get women to be all over me or anything like that so it would have to be me doing the asking out & setting up dates & whatever else.

Sorry to hear you got cheated on, that really sucks. 

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3 minutes ago, GAJ123 said:

It just seems like a case of that women have so many options today so in their mind if they feel there's even one thing they feel they're missing out on they'll move on to someone else. It's almost like I wouldn't even know who the trust at this point if I even had a chance with someone. Dating is just a disaster these days it feels like. I genuinely don't know what women even want these days. I obviously don't provide it since I've been on only 1 date in my life. Women aren't jumping at the opportunity to ask me out or anything so I'm obviously not attractive enough to be a head turner for women. I'm probably above average in looks at best but I'm not attractive enough to get women to be all over me or anything like that so it would have to be me doing the asking out & setting up dates & whatever else.

Sorry to hear you got cheated on, that really sucks. 

Thanks she was terrible person she once cursed me out in front of her daughter and my sister because I was having issues trying to parallel park on her narrow street once. She led me to believe I was the one and she would always talk about us having kids. Christ she thought she was pregnant one night and I was willing to step and be a man which would of meant being step father and dad to two children. Now I find out some 3 years later she is engaged thanks to a friend. I’m dealing with enough issues now didn’t need to hear that. She even told her one friend that she was going to marry me one day. How did that all change. I was nice to her liked her family and they wanted me around plus her daughter though as me as a father figure. She was so upset the day my ex left me. That crushed my heart into a million pieces. I don’t know what women want. They tell you everything is good and start planning the future and just decide to pull the rug from under you and end it.

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I definitely agree with the others here that it sounds like insecurity is your biggest hurdle (I understand, I'm relatively insecure but have gotten a little better over time).

From your own self accessment, it sounds like your good enough looking and that it's more your stature that is a source of concern. 5'6" obviously isn't tall and is below average guy height but its not strange or anything. Youre on the shorter end of "normal" if you ask me. There's a vast amount of women significantly shorter than you. I dont think any of that's your issue.

Being quiet and reserved when meeting new people definitely doesn't make a strong impression or the right impression a lot of times....but were talking about dating. If I was a girl, and I met a dude who was reserved, I might take it as him not actually being that interested in ME, or not being invested enough in our interaction to bother trying to connect with him. It's understandable on the women's part. I think dating just kinda stinks like that when you aren't an outgoing person. I'm married (but if I wasn't and was single I would be similar to you)...I think people like us do better meeting potential relationship/love interests when we have the opportunity to get to know those people more informally, as acquaintances, peers in a group hobby or organization, coworkers, etc. Introducing yourself to a girl at the bar....or meeting someone you met online for coffee....thats like being on stage, and you were never given a script to learn.

Maybe dive deeper into your own interests/hobbies/passions. Are you religious? Start volunteering for stuff at church. Into nerdy stuff? Start hanging around others who like similar things to you so you have a comfortable base to start from. Passionate social/political beliefs? Get involved with local organizations where you'll meet peoplle who think like you do. If you have that surface level connection via your interests...then you've already broken the ice.

Don't assume too much about women. You can't generalize. Maybe your social realm is just too limited. If you just see a bunch of arrogant P**ks at work who somehow are always finding girls to date or hook up with......that should tell you those types of girls are not your type and you would never be happy with them anyway. There's a lot of really cool women out there and they arent all superficial. They just aren't on a billboard in front of your face. They're busy working long hours at an office, working on some interesting art project, training for a marathon, or spending their free time volunteering somewhere.

 

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I wouldn’t say I’m completely quiet because I have gotten a girlfriend and at the start she was nice and very into me. I just don’t understand how a girl goes from one extreme to the other. At first she was all talking about the future kept bringing up having a kid. Her friends told me that I made her so happy and the happiest she has ever been. Then she switched up and started treating me like and introduced me to her daughter. Maybe she though she could keep me as her puppet that way. Even then she would still bring up having kids and such. She even told me though I get on her nerves at times when I’m not around she really misses me and that’s how she knew I was the one. Plus she even said I know if you and I don’t talk for a day I’ll be ok and know that I could trust your not cheating on me. I shouldn’t have to hear that. Then when she cheats and leaves she tells me it’s ok to treat you bad and I was only in it because you were so good to me and my daughter and I tried to make it work. Then she even said I told a friend that I was going to marry you some day. I have major trust issues with women now because of it. It makes no sense at all. She even took the time to introduce me to a large chunk of her family and friends plus invite me on all these family vacations. Now she getting married at some point and I can’t even find a girlfriend in the 3 years past. It makes me really upset after the mental abuse she put me through. I’m glad I start therapy on Tuesday to get all my issues out.

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I seriously don't get women at all. There's a guy at my job working the seasonal position that was saying cheesy type of jokes towards 2 women I was helping. He somehow knew the one girl through someone else it seems. He was talking to the 1 girl saying some extremely cringeworthy stuff & at first it seemed she was uncomfortable. Yet it seemed a bit later that she started to be more receptive. And the other girl was even was like to me you could laugh after he said the one joke. I'm just thinking like what the ***k. That wasn't funny at all the stuff he was saying, it was extremely ridiculous & I was honestly a bit uncomfortable since it was just so terrible. He was saying something about owning some town that the girl was from & to ask someone & they'll tell you that he owns it. It was extremely ridiculous yet I guess some women find that type of stuff funny. This is why I can never hit on women since I can never do that type of cringey ridiculous stuff. It's very very frustrating that you have to act like that or something like that to get women to be receptive towards you. I just don't get it. Also, there's an attractive older woman that only just started that's seasonal & he was at the register next to her & he was making her laugh & other things. And she even helped him out with having to bag clothing for him at the reigster. I'm just thinking like I guarantee if I was next to that woman she probably would have hardly said anything to me & definitely wouldn't have helped me out. I'm just very frustrated that I'm not what women like I guess. I really don't know anymore. It's just beyond frustrating at this point. Just very very frustrating. 

Edited by GAJ123
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9 hours ago, GAJ123 said:

I seriously don't get women at all. There's a guy at my job working the seasonal position that was saying cheesy type of jokes towards 2 women I was helping. He somehow knew the one girl through someone else it seems. He was talking to the 1 girl saying some extremely cringeworthy stuff & at first it seemed she was uncomfortable. Yet it seemed a bit later that she started to be more receptive. And the other girl was even was like to me you could laugh after he said the one joke. I'm just thinking like what the ***k. That wasn't funny at all the stuff he was saying, it was extremely ridiculous & I was honestly a bit uncomfortable since it was just so terrible. He was saying something about owning some town that the girl was from & to ask someone & they'll tell you that he owns it. It was extremely ridiculous yet I guess some women find that type of stuff funny. This is why I can never hit on women since I can never do that type of cringey ridiculous stuff. It's very very frustrating that you have to act like that or something like that to get women to be receptive towards you. I just don't get it. Also, there's an attractive older woman that only just started that's seasonal & he was at the register next to her & he was making her laugh & other things. And she even helped him out with having to bag clothing for him at the reigster. I'm just thinking like I guarantee if I was next to that woman she probably would have hardly said anything to me & definitely wouldn't have helped me out. I'm just very frustrated that I'm not what women like I guess. I really don't know anymore. It's just beyond frustrating at this point. Just very very frustrating. 

It’s about confidence which I have none since my ex destroyed what I did have. I have had girls actually interested in me but I screw it up as in I say something stupid. I had this girl I really liked want to go out on second date with me. However her child dropped her phone in the toilet and she had it off for most of the day of the date so it would dry. I called her out and flipped out. Why because at that point my ex was still fresh in my mind as we broke up two months before this incident and I kept thinking she was playing games like my ex. I have major issues of trust.   When I was out with my ex on our  first date I wasn’t making the cringe jokes. You don’t have too. Just make them laugh. I bet my ex that a song playing was what I thought it was and if it was she owed me a kiss. It worked she let me drive her home and kiss her. At first I was just slowly going into it. Hell she had to ask me if I even wanted to see her again. We talked later on and it was she was waiting for me to text her and I was waiting for her to text me after the first date. I got her to text first. I thought at the point hearing that we were golden. We didn’t fight, her friends and family liked me and her daughter loved me. I keep trying to tell myself I did something wrong but I really didn’t she was just good at first at hiding her true colors. I’m glad I’m finally going to see someone about the emotional abuse she put me through.

 

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Dear GAJ,

I totally understand what you're saying and how you feel, because I've experienced that same feelings as a woman when I'm at a first date with a man.  I feel insecure and quiet.

Here is the good news: you should not change your personality at all, you don't need to.

The only thing you need, for now, is a simple plan that involves a handful of questions to ask, a handful of interesting or humorous stories, and most important, a plan to be as kind and thoughtful to your date as you possibly can.

Most people don't mind the usual first date questions (where you grew up, went to school, work) but you can plan a little more conversation-producing questions: "What was the best vacation you've ever been on" or "Right now, where is your fantasy vacation destination?" or "Did you ever have something make you laugh so hard that you couldn't stop laughing?"  if you like this idea, I can suggest a few more questions.

Interesting or humorous stories are easy: maybe you have a few of your own, or just surf the Internet for some of the latest trending topics.

Being kind and thoughtful: listen to her.  Do some old-fashioned things like helping her with the chair, helping her put her coat on.  (If she expresses independent objection to the helping stuff, then don't do)

I have more very effective advice if you're still there and you answer my reply.

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4 hours ago, Flyersfan502 said:

It’s about confidence which I have none since my ex destroyed what I did have. I have had girls actually interested in me but I screw it up as in I say something stupid. I had this girl I really liked want to go out on second date with me. However her child dropped her phone in the toilet and she had it off for most of the day of the date so it would dry. I called her out and flipped out. Why because at that point my ex was still fresh in my mind as we broke up two months before this incident and I kept thinking she was playing games like my ex. I have major issues of trust.   When I was out with my ex on our  first date I wasn’t making the cringe jokes. You don’t have too. Just make them laugh. I bet my ex that a song playing was what I thought it was and if it was she owed me a kiss. It worked she let me drive her home and kiss her. At first I was just slowly going into it. Hell she had to ask me if I even wanted to see her again. We talked later on and it was she was waiting for me to text her and I was waiting for her to text me after the first date. I got her to text first. I thought at the point hearing that we were golden. We didn’t fight, her friends and family liked me and her daughter loved me. I keep trying to tell myself I did something wrong but I really didn’t she was just good at first at hiding her true colors. I’m glad I’m finally going to see someone about the emotional abuse she put me through.

 

I guess it's confidence but I don't get how you have to act like a complete ***** to get women to be interested. Women just for whatever reason gravitate towards the bad boys with tattoos & the types that can just talk at random to women even if it's to the point of arrogance. They just get charmed by their charisma. I can't do that with people I don't know. And I can't make stupid ridiculous cringey jokes that aren't funny to me since it's just not me. It's not in my personality to say stupid ridiculous stuff to get a woman interested or to start a conversation with them. I feel like no woman will ever get to know the real me where I can be funny & outgoing but it has to be during a time where I've known them for awhile. It's never in the beginning stages of knowing someone so it's like women are always going to think I'm always going to be extremely quiet & nervous since that's how they view me during the first impression. And I'm almost sure my height definitely has something to do with it as well. Less women will be less attracted to me just due to that alone & it's just annoying. It's like I have to gain 40 pounds of muscle & look intimidating to be taken seriously. Women probably view me like I'm a kid or something & probably have this mindset that I wouldn't be able to protect them or whatever nonsense they think. A lot of women think just because a guy is tall they think he's going to be tough & protect them even if they're skinny. I just don't get this stuff it's so stupid. 

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2 hours ago, Lynn1954 said:

Dear GAJ,

I totally understand what you're saying and how you feel, because I've experienced that same feelings as a woman when I'm at a first date with a man.  I feel insecure and quiet.

Here is the good news: you should not change your personality at all, you don't need to.

The only thing you need, for now, is a simple plan that involves a handful of questions to ask, a handful of interesting or humorous stories, and most important, a plan to be as kind and thoughtful to your date as you possibly can.

Most people don't mind the usual first date questions (where you grew up, went to school, work) but you can plan a little more conversation-producing questions: "What was the best vacation you've ever been on" or "Right now, where is your fantasy vacation destination?" or "Did you ever have something make you laugh so hard that you couldn't stop laughing?"  if you like this idea, I can suggest a few more questions.

Interesting or humorous stories are easy: maybe you have a few of your own, or just surf the Internet for some of the latest trending topics.

Being kind and thoughtful: listen to her.  Do some old-fashioned things like helping her with the chair, helping her put her coat on.  (If she expresses independent objection to the helping stuff, then don't do)

I have more very effective advice if you're still there and you answer my reply.

The issue is I have a hard enough time getting a date to begin with. There's only so many chances I'm going to get throughout my life it seems like. I can't flirt with women at all which is a big problem for me. The date I went on in September I didn't flirt at all since I just didn't get any signs she wanted me to to begin with as well as being too nervous to & it would come out all cheesy & stupid. She also saw that I was nervous & pointed it out & she seemed to be uncomfortable a bit with that & from that point on I should have known right then I was friend zoned.

Women want the guy to approach, set up dates, do the flirting & everything else. I just am not the person to do that type of stuff. I can't make stupid ridiculous jokes that aren't funny to get women interested. I also just am nervous & quiet around people I don't know well. As I stated in my previous post it's like I have to bypass the initial stages of getting to know someone to be comfortable with them which obviously isn't possible. Women will always just see me as the quiet & boring guy since they can't see that I can be more outgoing if I've known them for awhile. I'm just not in a good place either really in my life in terms of my health & other things so at the same time it's almost like I shouldn't even be thinking about this stuff. I really don't know anymore about anything. I just feel like everyday just keeps going by where I'm just stuck. I have plans for going back to school & still can't decide on anything. I'd likely flunk out since I'd probably not know what the hell I'm doing in the classes or just not having the energy to be motivated enough. I'm just in a very very bad position in my life at this stage. There's people that own houses, have had tons of relationship experience, make good money, married &/or have kids too. And I'm just alone with mental & physical issues barely making over minimum wage with never having a g/f & been on 1 date in my life in my early 30s. lol it's just so pathetic re-reading what I just typed since no woman would dare touch a guy in my situation. It's just madness at this point & I'm just always stressed out since I'm trapped with no way out of this position since my health issues never resolve. 

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3 minutes ago, GAJ123 said:

I guess it's confidence but I don't get how you have to act like a complete ***** to get women to be interested. Women just for whatever reason gravitate towards the bad boys with tattoos & the types that can just talk at random to women even if it's to the point of arrogance. They just get charmed by their charisma. I can't do that with people I don't know. And I can't make stupid ridiculous cringey jokes that aren't funny to me since it's just not me. It's not in my personality to say stupid ridiculous stuff to get a woman interested or to start a conversation with them. I feel like no woman will ever get to know the real me where I can be funny & outgoing but it has to be during a time where I've known them for awhile. It's never in the beginning stages of knowing someone so it's like women are always going to think I'm always going to be extremely quiet & nervous since that's how they view me during the first impression. And I'm almost sure my height definitely has something to do with it as well. Less women will be less attracted to me just due to that alone & it's just annoying. It's like I have to gain 40 pounds of muscle & look intimidating to be taken seriously. Women probably view me like I'm a kid or something & probably have this mindset that I wouldn't be able to protect them or whatever nonsense they think. A lot of women think just because a guy is tall they think he's going to be tough & protect them even if they're skinny. I just don't get this stuff it's so stupid. 

Absolutely not I’m not skinny by any stretch of the imagination. I see skinny guys all the time with good looking girls. It’s all about confidence. I saw the dude my ex is marrying on Facebook  he ain’t nothing special. She should be lucky someone would even put up with her bs. You don’t have to gain the muscle. This dude looks goofy and fat. Looks aren’t everything. If I did that I would have never dated my ex. I had no confidence with her since she was making me walk on egg shells. I hate her and have no desire to ever speak or see her again. She doesn’t get a free pass from me. Plus this new guy looks like he makes terrible money. If she wanted her ticket to money she had it with me. She even told me I’d give her the world. That’s not what she wants. She is happy living in the city. Who knows maybe the fact I would only live in the burbs scared her. She wants a city boy I ain’t that. She likes guys who treat her like crap that’s her problem. Plus never give someone who cheats on you a second chance. She tells me she didn’t but why were you hiding me on FB. We were friends but she never posted anything of the two us. I had to ask permission to post a photo of the two of us on my page as my profile picture. I asked her to make it Facebook official and she wouldn’t. Who are you hiding me from. She wanted some guy to think she was single. 

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11 minutes ago, Flyersfan502 said:

Absolutely not I’m not skinny by any stretch of the imagination. I see skinny guys all the time with good looking girls. It’s all about confidence. I saw the dude my ex is marrying on Facebook  he ain’t nothing special. She should be lucky someone would even put up with her bs. You don’t have to gain the muscle. This dude looks goofy and fat. Looks aren’t everything. If I did that I would have never dated my ex. I had no confidence with her since she was making me walk on egg shells. I hate her and have no desire to ever speak or see her again. She doesn’t get a free pass from me. Plus this new guy looks like he makes terrible money. If she wanted her ticket to money she had it with me. She even told me I’d give her the world. That’s not what she wants. She is happy living in the city. Who knows maybe the fact I would only live in the burbs scared her. She wants a city boy I ain’t that. She likes guys who treat her like crap that’s her problem. Plus never give someone who cheats on you a second chance. She tells me she didn’t but why were you hiding me on FB. We were friends but she never posted anything of the two us. I had to ask permission to post a photo of the two of us on my page as my profile picture. I asked her to make it Facebook official and she wouldn’t. Who are you hiding me from. She wanted some guy to think she was single. 

I just rarely see good looking women with shorter guys that aren't in good shape though. It's only taller skinny guys do I see with good looking women. Shorter guys have to compensate for their lack of height with being in shape & having money. Also, obviously having an outgoing charismatic personality definitely is a bonus. I'm just not what women want. I'm not attractive enough to get women to ask me out first. I'm like a 7 out of 10 at best which is nothing special these days since I'm lumped in a category with literally millions of other guys that are above average but aren't head turning attractive. Only the top 5-10% of attractive men get a lot of attention from women without doing anything. I don't so I'm obviously not in that category. I just don't have anything that stands out about me. I don't have the height to stand out & don't have the outgoing personality that women gravitate towards to stand out in that way either. And I don't make much money and I have health problems. Add all that together & I'm pretty much in the bottom 10% of desirable men. 

And that girl sounds like a nightmare. You should be lucky you're not with her anymore. Why be with someone that's going to treat you like garbage. It's just not worth it, you need to be with someone that's going to actually care about you & not make you feel like s***t. 

Edited by GAJ123
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Dude my buddy is short and constantly gets girls he isnt built either. She called me stupid and ******** all the time. Plus she cursed at me for attempting to parallel park on her street with my sister and daughter in the car.  I didn’t want to hurt the daughter, who liked me a lot. My ex did tell me I’m going to make a great dad someday. Mentally she wasn’t their. All the things said like you get on nerves but when your not around I miss you dearly. Or even texting me I miss you all in caps at midnight. She had a cushy life ahead of her. She was never going to have to worry about me cheating on her, leaving her etc... Christ I would probably had her a nice house in the suburbs by now. Like I said she had once chance and she blew it. It’s not like she had so much stress in her life. Yea her job sucked but I was taking my free time after work the gym and grad school work to find her new jobs which she always had an excuse not to apply to. Then when I said go back to school it was go f yourself. Real mature. She then said I never see you I told her it didn’t matter we would see each other and I’d rather you better yourself then us hang around all the time. I don’t many guys who would say that. That’s not me being nice either that’s me trying to challenge her and push her. She wanted the challenge of the guy she had to chase. I wasn’t making her chase me.  She never had to worry if I was where I said I was.  I would work on the confidence area what I hope to accomplish in therapy. I’d love to tell her she put me their right in front of her fiancé might make him second guess his choice. She can’t lie because I have witnesses who can back me up. Also it was funny her dad was telling everybody that I was in grad school on Easter. He had this big grin like he was showing off his prize. 

Edited by Flyersfan502
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There are a lot of layers to this. Being quiet in and of itself isn't a problem socially, but there are certain situations where it can hurt a relationship between two people. Not just hurt the chances of getting into a romantic relationship with them, but hurt the budding connection (friendship or otherwise) between two people who are getting to know each other.

Things like awkward silences can make people feel like their feelings and opinions aren't accepted, even if that's not what the other person intends at all. Or if someone shares an emotional moment and the other person clams up, it can give them the impression that it's unwelcome and shameful (and many people aren't good with this). All things that are probably unintentional, but communicate the wrong message.

That's what a lot of it comes down to, I think: Communication. I don't think someone who's quiet needs to change their personality, but a few new skills to get across what they're really thinking and feeling about the people and the world around them wouldn't hurt. There's something to be said for a man who cares about being graceful and communicating his intentions clearly when he decides he wants to speak.

Edited by Bebop
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  • 3 weeks later...
On 11/18/2017 at 1:48 PM, GAJ123 said:

I barely even been thinking about this stuff again lately. I can feel my mental health just getting worse. I don’t know what to say about anything anymore. Life really just sucks in every area. I feel if I ever get better it’ll be at a point where it’s too late for me. In terms of relationships I have nothing to offer & it’s just a waste to keep getting angry about it. The women I tend to like seem to be above me in social status as well as having dozens of options to choose from. Just tired of thinking about it & am more worried about my health. I’d genuinely be willing to bet my life savings on that I’ll still be alone with a lot of issues at 40 years old. 

I've read through this thread and I want to share my experience in hope that it will help. 

I've felt before many of the same feelings towards women that you have. I don't feel that way now.

I"m a bit of a loner. I'm 53 never married, no kids. I'm not currently in a relationship. I had no good healthy role models for relationships growing up so everything I learned I learned the hard way. Although I'm not in a relationship, I have had them throughout my life.  I have many women friends (REAL friends, not friend zoned) that I adore and respect and they feel the same way about me although nothing sexual is going on right now with any of them. Although I struggle with depression and have started back on medication, I am at peace with the person I have become. Although I would like to have a girlfriend and I keep myself open to any prospects, I don't necessarily need one to fix or complete me. There are a few things I want to tell you though to help guide you.

Attraction cannot be forced. There is no magic formula, no pickup line that can change this. I've been on both sides of the unrequited attraction equation and it actually hurts both ways. If an attraction isn't there, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is make yourself attractive, but not in the superficial sense. You need to build yourself up to be a person that people would be attracted to, by whatever means necessary.

Women have necessary defenses for their own safety. Almost all women are approached constantly by men in their daily lives, both honorable men and a lot of creeps. If a woman feels that you're being creepy, even if you feel that you're not, the prospects of attraction are gone. All you should is accept it and move on. It hurts, but finding a meaningful relationship is never easy. They are also repelled (and can get frightened for their personal safety) if you get angry and lash out at them at their rejection. Don't EVER do that. There are far too many stories of violence borne out of rejection. 

You cannot get to Yes unless you ask. 

Rejection is a fact of life. It happens for a myriad of reasons, some fair, some not, and its gonna hurt. But on the flip side, it lets you move on so you won't waste your time on somebody that doesn't want you. It will help you to develop a thicker skin and to learn what you need to work on.

Try to become the kind of person you want to attract. If you are needy and insecure you will only attract others that are equally needy and insecure. That's not a formula for happiness. Start working on yourself. Find something you like to do and get good at it. It doesn't matter if it will lead to a career or not. If it makes you happy in any sort of way, do it. Start taking care of yourself physically. Start going for walks if you're sedentary, push yourself out the door if you have to. If you're not attracted to somebody out of shape, neither will they.

Be honest with yourself about your intentions towards women and about each woman you meet. Are you looking for a long-term meaningful relationship? Are you looking for just a warm body? Are you looking for a friend? Do you respect her as the imperfect human that she is? 

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