My friend committed suicide. I can't live with the guilt.

[Nart]

I had a really close Internet friend who I met in a game. We used to talk to each other everyday, watching movies together. One day he started talking to me gradually less and told me that he was clinically depressed. And I promised myself to not give up on him no matter what, just to show him that he had someone who truly cared about him. He was too unstable for me however, he'd be really nice again for a very short time before ignoring me or acting rude toward me for no reason. Regardless, I tried to hold onto the stale friendship, for all it's worth he was still my friend.

2 months ago he lashed out at me and told me to "stfu" when I asked him if he wasn't feeling okay. Struggling with severe depression myself, I decided that it was time to cut the toxic friendship out of my life. 2 days later was the last time I saw him logging in the game, which he said "if I haven't logged in for 1 month, you know I'd be gone".

I'm feeling extremely depressed. If I hadn't stopped checking up on him completely, is there any chance that he wouldn't have took the last step toward taking his own life? If I disregarded my dignity and feelings that time, would he open up to me? Maybe the last time he lashed out at me was a cry for help and I turned a blind eye to it. The guilt is eating me alive.

[Tid322]

Do you have any other means of communication with this individual? If not, how can you be so certain that they really took their life and didn’t just end their game subscription instead?

 

Until there is proof, I wouldn’t be so quick to think that they actually went through with it. Perhaps they got help, or just stopped playing. It sounds like they were a little too wrapped up to assess the actual implications of their words on someone like you. There may have been no malice. I don’t think if it was a sincere cry for help it would be to someone that could do nothing to prevent or physically help him. I think you should rest assure you did the best with the situation you were handed. Don’t beat yourself up over something out of your control.

[Audrey822]

Hey Nart....I think @Tid322 makes a good point; it’s impossible to know through online communication when someone has just decided to stop posting or stop playing.  

In any case, what happened is not your fault.  I lost a good friend in real life to suicide in 1983, and I went through the same emotions....blaming myself for not communicating with him enough in the final weeks of his life....wondering if I missed some signs in the last conversations we had.  The blame game eventually stopped, and the pain eventually subsided, but I still miss him.  (Incidentally, his birthday was Sunday. ) Don’t beat yourself up.  It would be especially difficult to know what to do for someone when you don’t know them in real life.  Give yourself a huge break here.  You already did all you could do.  

[uncertain1]

Audrey is spot on - you did more than many healthy people would do. 

[SailingSoul]

It was their choice to take their life , you shouldnt have to lower your dignity or accept abuse to help someone...if it gets to that point they need help beyond what you are capable of providing. 

 

Hope all will be well.

[Epictetus]

I think that what you did was really heroic.  It is impossible to control what another person will do.  I admire you for your attempts to help your friend especially given the way he treated you at times.  Bravo!!!