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loss of love and anhedonia

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So I'm looking for some advice. Lately, I've had this horrible feeling in my relationship that something is wrong, or missing, but I havent been able to figure out why. My boyfriend is my best friend, and we've been dating for a year and a half. He's exceptionally sweet, and he senses something is wrong and is willing to do anything to help. When i brush it off and say i'm just stressed with school, he offers to do my laundry so i can focus on studying, stuff like that. I used to feel so in love with him, but now i feel empty. I just feel irritated with him for no reason and i know im hurting him but i can't seem to stop this feelings. It got to the point today that i started googling loss of love and found the word anhedonia, which ive never heard of before. after some research, it brought me here.

i have really bad anxiety, which ive been dealing with for years, and recently starting taking escitolopram for a few months before i started feeling a lot better and eventually just never refilled my prescription, ( i know, very stupid, but unfortunately the more i put it off the more anxious it makes me and i just keep avoiding it) the meds helped a lot with the anxiety, and now that i've stopped it's really starting up again.

i've never been so confused in my life. i feel like i can't control what's going on in my own mind. i lost my appetite a while ago, and nowadays, i know i need to eat but i open my fridge and it seems like nothing in the world will ever be appetizing again. i don't play music in my house anymore, even though i used to love doing that. i find that, i get bored at home, and will put a tv show or something on, and not even want to pay attention. every day, i tell myself to "just get through this day." sleeping is what i look forward to the most. and now, even my relationship, which used to bring me so much joy, feels so flat. i have no idea what to do. i know in my heart that leaving him would not make me any happier, because part of me knows that he's not really the problem, but still, i can't shake the feeling that  somethings not right, and i can't keep going through the motions with him forever. the worst part is i can still picture myself ending up with him in the future because we've talked about it before and i would love to have a family with him, but at the same time, i can't feel any excitement for the future. i'm graduating from university this year and i have no idea what i'm doing after and frankly no desire to even start thinking about it. if anything, thinking about the future makes me sad because of how scary it is for me to think about living each day. i'm just so stuck, but i feel like its not fair for me to pull the people i care about into this hole. i don't know what to do anymore. :(

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Hi and welcome to the Forums Sharpie76,

     I am sorry you are going through this ordeal.  I wish I knew what to say to help. 

     Have you discussed what you are going through with your physician?  If so, what did she or he recommend?

  Although I am not a physician or medical professional, I've heard that during an episode of depression or anhedonia, it is wise to avoid making any big life decisions.  Have you also heard that? 

   Hopefully this site will be of some help to you even though we are not physicians.  Sometimes it helps to talk to people going through the same or similar things.  I do not suffer anhedonia myself but many members here do and hopefully they will respond to your poignant post.  I suffer from depression, anxiety and panic disorder and am on continual maintenance therapy for those illnesses.  I am 62.  I do want to tell you again how sorry I am that you are suffering and that I hope things work out for you in the best possible way.  You deserve a life free of anhedonia!!!   - epictetus

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Hi Sharpie76-I would love to know if you have had any success dealing with this since your original post? Reading your story was as if I had written it myself. I feel EXACTLY the same way.   

I was taking Prozac and I went off of it a couple of months after my wedding (October 2017), and I wish I hadn’t. I’m not totally sure that the Prozac was helping with Anhedonia or not, but I think it helped me not to focus on it as much. Right now I feel like I’m consumed with thinking about my lack of feeling and trying to find a fix. I just started back on my Prozac this week, but I know it will take a few weeks to kick in totally. I’m just really frustrated by it all. I feel like I’m faking emotions too. It doesn’t bother me as much to feel that way towards friends and the students I teach, but it kills me that I am thinking this way with my husband. I’ve talked to him about it, but it’s really hard to explain and I don’t want him to think I don’t love him, because that’s not the case. I just don’t have the feelings of joy or excitement that I should have with the things I love. 

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