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JMS25

The infinite drop

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So it's 4:44 as I look at the clock, and I don't think I've ever felt lower, though having felt so low for so long it's hard to really say. I'm unsure why I felt the need to put this online but I'm just so lost and I don't know how to make this go away. The reasons for the feeling are so numerous I don't know where to begin; my best friends suicide, the many times I've let people down, the constant messing things up, having a young son who I can't be strong for, family and friends I want to communicate with but whenever I try a pit of anxiety fills up to the point where I can't even think straight. It just feels like an infinite drop, like falling down a bottomless well, and to try and grab onto something is to invite failure and to finally hit the floor is to suffer pain. I'm constantly in a zone of helplessness and it's so excruciating. I feel alone in my own body. I then think about the billions of other people who have it worse, people in warzones or true poverty or in terrible health and I tell myself my life is so much better than others but I just think if my own woes have me feeling like this imagine how bad others feel. I feel like there's so little happiness in the world, and that it is just so unattainable. Even if my life improves, so many others are suffering. But I need to be strong for my son but I try and try and I constantly fail. This beautiful little boy who I brought into a world of so much cruelty. I don't know what to do. I can barely get out of bed, I don't sleep, I feel like I'm floating through a life I don't belong in, feeling without feeling, just a constant aching numbness as I fall deeper and deeper, waiting for the impact. Does anyone even know what I'm saying? I remember reading a guys description of depression and it resonated with me so much. He said it's like being in a warm bath, and somebody takes out the plug, and the bath empties, but you stay in it, cold, shivering and naked to the world. I don't know if I could ever put my feeling into such eloquence but I guess I've tried. I guess I need to know what I'm feeling has an end, and that the end is not the dull thud at the bottom of the well. I need to feel better for my boy, but I can't even think in what direction my first step should be. I am beyond lost. I feel like a grain of sand on the ocean floor, so insignificant and under an infinite crushing weight, how can I ever reach the surface?

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@JMS25, I am so sorry your going through such a horrible time. Even though it’s so incredibly hard right now, I’m glad you shared it here. I also suffer from similar pain, the over-dose of my father & six months later my baby brother, he was everything to me. It has left me all alone and forever changed me in every inch of my being. And I too have a young daughter, she is the sole purpose that guides me every single day. I feel your heavy heart & the weight your carrying. So I want to ask if you’ve ever talked to a Dr about this? I can’t give the best advice, I’m in this too. But I can say to try... call your Dr, see what they suggest. If you don’t find answers there, call a different until you do! There is help. That’s what I did.. and slowly, very slowly i feel like we can do this. We are strong mamas D***it .. we can do this! Please keep fighting w me! 

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8 hours ago, JMS25 said:
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So it's 4:44 as I look at the clock, and I don't think I've ever felt lower, though having felt so low for so long it's hard to really say. I'm unsure why I felt the need to put this online but I'm just so lost and I don't know how to make this go away. The reasons for the feeling are so numerous I don't know where to begin; my best friends suicide, the many times I've let people down, the constant messing things up, having a young son who I can't be strong for, family and friends I want to communicate with but whenever I try a pit of anxiety fills up to the point where I can't even think straight. It just feels like an infinite drop, like falling down a bottomless well, and to try and grab onto something is to invite failure and to finally hit the floor is to suffer pain. I'm constantly in a zone of helplessness and it's so excruciating. I feel alone in my own body. I then think about the billions of other people who have it worse, people in warzones or true poverty or in terrible health and I tell myself my life is so much better than others but I just think if my own woes have me feeling like this imagine how bad others feel. I feel like there's so little happiness in the world, and that it is just so unattainable. Even if my life improves, so many others are suffering. But I need to be strong for my son but I try and try and I constantly fail. This beautiful little boy who I brought into a world of so much cruelty. I don't know what to do. I can barely get out of bed, I don't sleep, I feel like I'm floating through a life I don't belong in, feeling without feeling, just a constant aching numbness as I fall deeper and deeper, waiting for the impact. Does anyone even know what I'm saying? I remember reading a guys description of depression and it resonated with me so much. He said it's like being in a warm bath, and somebody takes out the plug, and the bath empties, but you stay in it, cold, shivering and naked to the world. I don't know if I could ever put my feeling into such eloquence but I guess I've tried. I guess I need to know what I'm feeling has an end, and that the end is not the dull thud at the bottom of the well. I need to feel better for my boy, but I can't even think in what direction my first step should be. I am beyond lost. I feel like a grain of sand on the ocean floor, so insignificant and under an infinite crushing weight, how can I ever reach the surface?

I hear you, JMS25. I could have written this myself. I am so sorry you are suffering like this😞 I wish I had some sage advice to offer, but I am in free fall my ode myself.

I hope you find a way to arrest your descent. I know I've been trying to stop my own for all of my life...

((((Hugs))))

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@JMS25, So sorry for your pain.  Yes we have all experienced this. Depression is a terrible pit trying to swallow us up.  I have suffered with it on and off  since I was a teenager.  I don't know if this will help but it has helped me.  I have a lot of suicide in my family and a lot of dysfunction.  As I got older it all got to me.  I had to learn coping mechanisms. I started reading self help books and learned that a lot of our unhappiness comes from unmet expectations.  I read Rethink How You Think by Dr. David Stoop.  I learned that Yes Life is Hard! Bad things happen. This world is a terrible place sometimes (but if you look at history it always has been). People are going to let us down.  People are going to die.  I learned that it's not so much those things that create our unhappiness or depression.  It's how we think about them that creates our depression.  I also had to tell myself that this will be a lifelong battle.  Acknowledging that and accepting it has helped me to be proactive.  I continue to read books and challenge myself to learn new things. I have been doing really well the last couple years, with just brief episodes.   If you haven't done so already, talk to a dr. about this. I hope you feel better and get the help you need. 

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On 10/16/2017 at 11:56 PM, JMS25 said:
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So it's 4:44 as I look at the clock, and I don't think I've ever felt lower, though having felt so low for so long it's hard to really say. I'm unsure why I felt the need to put this online but I'm just so lost and I don't know how to make this go away. The reasons for the feeling are so numerous I don't know where to begin; my best friends suicide, the many times I've let people down, the constant messing things up, having a young son who I can't be strong for, family and friends I want to communicate with but whenever I try a pit of anxiety fills up to the point where I can't even think straight. It just feels like an infinite drop, like falling down a bottomless well, and to try and grab onto something is to invite failure and to finally hit the floor is to suffer pain. I'm constantly in a zone of helplessness and it's so excruciating. I feel alone in my own body. I then think about the billions of other people who have it worse, people in warzones or true poverty or in terrible health and I tell myself my life is so much better than others but I just think if my own woes have me feeling like this imagine how bad others feel. I feel like there's so little happiness in the world, and that it is just so unattainable. Even if my life improves, so many others are suffering. But I need to be strong for my son but I try and try and I constantly fail. This beautiful little boy who I brought into a world of so much cruelty. I don't know what to do. I can barely get out of bed, I don't sleep, I feel like I'm floating through a life I don't belong in, feeling without feeling, just a constant aching numbness as I fall deeper and deeper, waiting for the impact. Does anyone even know what I'm saying? I remember reading a guys description of depression and it resonated with me so much. He said it's like being in a warm bath, and somebody takes out the plug, and the bath empties, but you stay in it, cold, shivering and naked to the world. I don't know if I could ever put my feeling into such eloquence but I guess I've tried. I guess I need to know what I'm feeling has an end, and that the end is not the dull thud at the bottom of the well. I need to feel better for my boy, but I can't even think in what direction my first step should be. I am beyond lost. I feel like a grain of sand on the ocean floor, so insignificant and under an infinite crushing weight, how can I ever reach the surface?

How are you feeling?

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