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morecoffee

Obsessed with Colleague

12 posts in this topic

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Okay, so this is terrible and I'm so ashamed to admit this, even to strangers, but lately I've become obsessed with a male colleague. I'm married, for only 2 years. We have a 9 month old baby together. My husband is almost literally the perfect man, and my best friend in the world. I never in a million years thought I'd end up with a guy as amazing as him. I would never cheat on him. About a month ago, like almost overnight, I found myself becoming obsessed with a colleague whom I don't work very closely with, but I see in passing a few times a week. As in, I can't stop thinking about him and I have tried to manufacture ways to run into him or cross paths, which has pretty much failed and just made me look like a weirdo running all over the building. He does not appear to like me or anything, and in fact, might dislike me. But the major problem is that I feel obsessed and I do NOT know why! He is NOT as attractive as my husband...not even close! Why the hell is this happening to me? I'm taking Venlafaxine and I started to wonder if it has caused this asinine obsession somehow, so I emailed my pdoc and told her I want to wean off and try something else. I have a lowered dose coming in the mail right now and I hope to god that makes a difference.

Edited by morecoffee

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Posted · Report post  

Thank you for sharing your story, morecoffee.  Please don't feel weird about your emotions.  What matters is that you recognize them and are trying to find ways to fight against these temptations.  I wonder if there is anything in your life right now that has become a stress to you?  You might consider talking to a therapist to help you figure out if there are any deep seated issues you may not be consciously aware of. 

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Posted · Report post  

There's no need to be ashamed, you can't control who you're attracted to. Just because you're married doesn't mean you'll all of the sudden stop being attracted to other people, hormones don't care about relationship status, the only thing that matters is whether or not you act on it. Does this guy have any quality that your husband doesn't have? Could be something as simple as a cocky smile that's attractive... Have you talked with your pdoc yet? I'd be hesitant to mess with meds unless you're really sure that this is the cause. 

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Posted · Report post  

Thanks everyone for not passing judgement.  I did talk to my pdoc about adjusting (lowering) my dosage, and I'm going to try it. I hope that helps. On Friday night I literally could not sleep I was so wound up. I don't even know this person and frankly, he looks like a shorter, meaner, scrawnier version of my husband. It's just bizarre, like truly, that I would find myself so attracted to him. He does have a bit of a cocky way about him so maybe that's the attraction. I really don't know. All I know is I would never find someone as good as my husband again and so this obsession needs to go! If I have to i will even look for a new job. Ugh.

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Posted (edited) · Report post  

Morecoffee, I'm glad you posted.  I have developed similiar romantic/sexual obsessions (in my case mostly with celebrities or fictional characters) despite being happily married to a wonderful man.  I've been this way my whole life and I think it is my depressed brain's way of frantically latching onto anything that seems like pleasure or relief.  I have "issues" (not quite obsessions) with food, sex, alcohol, shopping -- for the same reason I think.  These things can be soothing and fascinating. I think part of getting over them is simply trying not to judge yourself.  For instance my most recent celebrity fascination has waned after a few friends accepted it, and in fact dismissed it as fairly normal.  Please take it easy on yourself and let go of any judgement.  Marriage and motherhood are challenging things to deal with, and your brain may be just trying to give you some pleasure.

Hugs,

Lauryn

Edited by CoolCat7
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Posted · Report post  

Thank you 20Years, and CoolCat7. I'm relieved to know these obsessions happen to other happily married people. I think this is the first time I've been obsessed with someone who is actually less appealing than my actual spouse. It's proof that it's connected to my mental issues somehow, because it's completely irrational. I definitely think it's connected to the stress of parenthood and the lack of one-on-one time with my husband. I dreaded coming into work today because I didn't want to feel that desperation to run into him like I did last week, but so far I feel okay. 

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Update: this morning I took 1/2 my effexor dose (new dose sent to me by pdoc) and I already feel MUCH less obsessed. It could be a placebo effect, but I am so relieved. Really hoping that was the cause...I remembered when I was reading Effexor reviews before I went on the med that a lady said she cheated on her husband while taking it, and then when she got off it she had no idea why she did it. I remembered that review and it's what caused me to think maybe the med was influencing these feelings. I really think it is/was.

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Min    0

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Effexor made me VERY impulsive in my behaviour - definitely made me make weird (bad) choices in men when I took it (3 years, 15 years ago) 

It's good that you are talking about it here. 

You are going to have to try and remove yourself from this guy's presence if you can and try to only interact with him when others are around. You seem to be aware of that you might be making a fool of yourself chasing him around the building.  I'd try and explore that idea more, list ways that it would make you look foolish, imagine him finding you not attractive etc, which whilst not feeling good to your ego, can sometimes help us to not do stupid things (like drunk dialling) because we are thinking about how to stay dignified. 

Quite often we are superficially attracted to people who remind us of a parent or someone else who is bad for us. Is this guy that type? 

You need to get some one to one time with hubby and that has to happen ASAP. It's time for the sake of your marriage to prioritise some time. It's not easy with a 9 month old baby, but can you get a family member to babysit once a week even just for two hours so you can go for a quick drink to your local? 

what other closeness with hubby, avoidance of colleague strategies can you think of? 

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20 hours ago, Min said:

Effexor made me VERY impulsive in my behaviour - definitely made me make weird (bad) choices in men when I took it (3 years, 15 years ago) 

It's good that you are talking about it here. 

You are going to have to try and remove yourself from this guy's presence if you can and try to only interact with him when others are around. You seem to be aware of that you might be making a fool of yourself chasing him around the building.  I'd try and explore that idea more, list ways that it would make you look foolish, imagine him finding you not attractive etc, which whilst not feeling good to your ego, can sometimes help us to not do stupid things (like drunk dialling) because we are thinking about how to stay dignified. 

Quite often we are superficially attracted to people who remind us of a parent or someone else who is bad for us. Is this guy that type? 

You need to get some one to one time with hubby and that has to happen ASAP. It's time for the sake of your marriage to prioritise some time. It's not easy with a 9 month old baby, but can you get a family member to babysit once a week even just for two hours so you can go for a quick drink to your local? 

what other closeness with hubby, avoidance of colleague strategies can you think of? 

Thank you Min, for your insight and suggestions. You're completely right, and I have been practicing staying away from the colleague and getting more 1-1 time with the hubby. In fact, the colleague is at a conference right now and hasn't been around this week and I've felt SUCH relief with him being gone. Clearly, like you said, he must remind me of some person or situation that is triggering insecurity, or vulnerability in me, and the "attraction" is just a manifestation of that. The horrible part is I know all this, I'm not 22 anymore when I thought these sort of obsessions meant we are destined to be together (thank GOD I'm not that delusional anymore!), but the obsession is still there and even logically dissecting it doesn't make it go away! My husband just reduced his work hours though (we were barely seeing each other for months due to his line of work and a big project they had going on), and I think being with him more will curb the obsession and hopefully totally squash it. We don't have any family near by, so getting them to watch the baby once a week isn't really doable, BUT the hubbs and I still get us time and frankly our sex life is probably even better now than pre-baby. I have faith we will be okay, and I just need to get my s**t together.

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