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Ephemeral Bliss

What World is This?

6 posts in this topic

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I've been passively suicidal and depressed for as long as I can remember, it is a part of me. As a young child I would sneak away from friends for the comfort of solitude whether at school or at my own birthday party. I'm in my early twenties now, Ive built up a small company and have interests in science and philosophy but nothing has changed. I am a person content on being alone, it's not lonely.

I never actively sought out a partner and knew in my heart that I would find my soul mate if it was meant to be. I met my fiancé about three years ago and we fell in love with everything about each other, it has been the healthiest relationship I've ever dreamt of. Everything was wonderful, we always talked and had the healthiest sex life. We shared all our interests and concerns. He was studying for the MCAT this year with dreams of studying neuroscience. He was supporting me in counselling for my depression and even experienced this himself and was very understanding. We had dreams to grow old together and trudge through the suffering in life because we had each other. We moved in together four months ago, in that time his mother passed away and we all went through tremendous grief. We began talking about bigger plans; we met with realtors, talked about adopting a dog (my dog had died on my birthday the previous year and this was the first time in my life without a dog by my side), and we booked our anniversary plans for a trip to Thailand together. Two months after his mother passed, my fiancé suddenly passed away one night from a braintumor no one had any idea he had. He just slipped away one night beside me and never woke up again. That was it. My life halted to an abrupt and disturbing stop. All my plans were erased in that one moment.

I don't know if most people can relate to spending their entire life wishing to die in their sleep, holding out for this miracle of finding that person they've always dreamt of, and then having it all ripped away.. but it has solidified a new belief for me. I used to think I wouldn'tsuicide because I might have to repeat a similar life.. but it's different now. I know that I won't live my whole life. I don't enjoy being alive. I know in my heart i will inevitably commit suicide at some point. I might write letters.. but I've just thought it would be nice to drive out to a remote location and disappear. I've also thought deeply about how to suicide in a way which allows me to donate my organs to those who want to live. I truly don't believe I belong in this state of living, I've never felt totally at peace with being alive.. and now I don't feel anything. I never used anything besides Mary Jane before to cope with depression but it no longer has a place for me.

My sister says it's pathetic that people don't want to live because their significant other isn't there anymore, but it's really not that, it doesn't help, but the truth is I have never wanted to be alive. I had a brief six month period where I had an awakening moment and everything felt like it had a purpose, like I was a part of everything and everything had a greater meaning. That was four years ago and I believe that feeling was for once in a lifetime. I don't know where to be or what to say or do. Crisis lines don't help and I've had people say they don't really have anything else they could say to make me feel better. I still go see a counsellor but it's all the same.

I just wanted to die there with my love in that hospital bed. I just lay there with him for days watching the clock, knowing I had a finite amount of time left with the person I wanted to spend my time with. Now I am faced with the reality of continually living on for the next 70 years just because "I have to". This is the first time in my life I've feel entirely alone and actually lonely. It's feels like I no longer have a soul.

Edited by Ephemeral Bliss

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Posted · Report post  

Let me start by saying that I have never been in your situation or anything like it, so while I kinda want to say “I’m so sorry, that’s horrible”, I have no right to do so because I have no idea, and I’m pretty sure that’s not what you need to hear anyway. You say that all the help you try to get is the same: ineffectual. Yet here you are. You’re still looking for help, in some shape or form. Despite all the reasons for you to do so, you haven’t given up yet. So I’m going to tell you to keep fighting. Because I may not know you or care about you personally, but there are people who do. Because you have done good things and can do more. Because in the next 70 years of loneliness, if you make a positive difference in one person’s life, that’s worth it, isn’t it? This world sucks. It beats you down every chance it gets. It hurts and it’s horrible, and I just get tired, or empty, or angry. But every day we keep living, or at least surviving, is a big f* u to the universe (or society, depending) so if for nothing else, go for that. I’m more inclined toward the "some day I shall help people" approach, but hey, whatever gets you through the day. And don’t give up on happiness either; it may not last forever, but it’s great when you got it, and it may come back even if you don’t expect it to.:console:

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Posted · Report post  

You would probably get more responses to your post if you copied and reposted it in the suicide forum.  I hope you do that because what you say is from your heart and there are so many people here who have been in the exact place you are now: they don't see a purpose for themselves. I was in that place a few years ago. I was completely convinced that this world held nothing for me. Today my thinking is completely different. My life and mindset have totally changed. If I had followed through with my plans I would have missed so much!  While it's beautifully romantic to think we each have only one soul mate, I've read that there are actually many people that we each would have a special "connection" to if only we would meet. You could meet someone else tomorrow or the next day. But the worth of our life isn't based on whether or not we have a special person in it or not. My life changed because I changed...it had nothing to do with meeting someone.

"I know what I want: to see deeply, to thank deeply, to feel joy deeply. How my eyes see, perspective, is the key..." Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

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Posted · Report post  

Your post made me cry, not a bad thing.  All I can say is I wish someone hugs and holds you.  Until you can feel Love again... I hope you'll check here again, repost to where rainingviolets suggests.  And hear us.  You're here for a reason.  For a valid reason.  Please continue talking to us.  :console:

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Posted · Report post  

Hi, couldnt read the whole message, just some parts. I know how bad a person can be, and its a day-day thing to carry on, hope you find a way to feel ok and this forum maybe can give you some support, try to do what you can, maybe some online chatrooms.

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Posted · Report post  

I just read your post 'cause I haven't been around here much. I can't imagine losing someone that close who meant that much like you did. I'm sorry, for that and for your lifelong struggle.

I can relate in a very intimate way - even though it is also different - to that sense of "always wanting never to be--->momentarily gaining purpose and light--->losing forever my soul."  

This part particular resonated with me:

On 10/9/2017 at 5:48 PM, Ephemeral Bliss said:
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 I don't know where to be or what to say or do. Crisis lines don't help and I've had people say they don't really have anything else they could say to make me feel better. I still go see a counsellor but it's all the same.

1

I've been like this my whole life as well but in crisis the last 3 1/2 to 4 years and I am just now beginning to rise up out of that ever-so-slightly.  I think the addition of an antidepressant made the difference for me, but I've been on this one and many others before, so I don't know if it will last or not. But I guess I've been doing a lot of thinking and trying to figure out if it really matters. I mean, this is the deck we were dealt, right? And even though it might not seem like it, the downs are not continuous. They are interrupted by an occasional positive moment or two. It just takes practice and awareness to notice them.  I guess what we have to decide for ourselves is whether the experience we've been given is worth living it while we look for more and more of those positive moments or not.  Lots of things to take into consideration there, I think.  

Anyway, I see you haven't posted since this original post.  Hope to see you again here on DF. 

rhyl

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