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Lemonguy

I don't know what's going on in my head right now.

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Most people I don't think would be worried about no longer crying right? Because it's generally a good thing, but I did something horrible to my best friend, unintentionally and they stopped talking to me, and they said they hate me. We had a very strong bond, and we both said we loved eachother. There is a long back story between us for what happened.

After it happened I couldn't stop crying all night I didn't sleep at all and cried the whole night. The next day I went to see a counsellor, and I couldn't stop crying saying what happened, and I sat doing absolutely nothing, and I kissed every single class. That night I couldn't stop crying and had no sleep either. The next day was the same as the previous. When I got home from school and a youth group i had went to, I was kicked out of my house. I stayed at a friends house, and told him everything, and cried my eyes out, and drank to put myself to sleep finally. The next day I still felt the same going to school. I talked to another counsellor that already knew my friend and I's history, and while explaining everything, I felt like crying, but it wasn't as strong. I was able to hold it in. Now Suddenly I just stopped crying, after two days of nonstop crying, and shaking and not eating and not sleeping. It suddenly stopped. My friends have been making me eat, and i'm couch hopping between friends. But I care extremely deeply for my friend that I hurt. She has been my abolsolute best friend and we were always there for eachother. 

I'm worried about not crying for some reason. I've felt so guilty, and my mind plays tricks on me. Right now I don't understand any of my emotions, I feel so down all day and I have random times I'll get really quiet and stay behind the rest of my friends. I started participating in activities. And I don't feel as horrible all the time. But I'm worried because, I just ruined the best friendship I have ever had. And I ruined everything I had with her, we loved eachother and wanted to become a serious thing, and have a future. I feel like I should still be crying over it for some reason. I've been absolutely heartbroken and I couldn't function for three days. And everynight now, I read all our message history, and everything that made me feel like throwing up and crying, just makes me go quiet and look at it. No tears. 

I don't know whether everyone has this point or stage in horrible things like this. I have never been diagnosed with depression despite suspecting it for over three years. I'm not sure whats happening, and I'm scared that I can't cry, because I know I love her more than anything, and I don't want that to change.

She had been talking to me about how much she hates me and will never ever forgive me or be my friend ever again. But after a day of not texting me, at 3:00am she messaged me saying that after school we should talk. Because she misses me.

And after that, I just stopped crying. I don't know whether that's a coincidence, or whether I couldn't stop crying because I really thought she hated me. The worst part is now, is that she never messaged me. I tried messaging her only to have no response and it hasn't been read for two days. But she's been online each day. I can't talk to her in person, because she just recently moved across the country a month ago, which I cried over many times. 

It's all so foreign to me. Just need to understand why.

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