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I'm really, really struggling.


Ambrer

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Hiya. I apologise in advance for the rambling that I'm about to type. I'm just struggling so badly.

I've been battling worthless feelings for months, now. I tried to keep it all under the surface. It was just like...this big, black thing in my head that would tell me I'm worthless. I'm slightly overweight, despite loosing a lot of weight I'm still not happy and that screams at me that I'm worthless as in my mind, I'm still fat. I can't hang out with my friends anymore because I'm so convinced that there's something wrong with me, I've done something to upset them (although they've said that nothing's wrong and I'm fine). Despite their assurances, I'm constantly being told that I'm worthless and I've done something to upset them, and that they'd be better off without me.  Deep down; I know that it isn't true. If they didn't like me, they'd...you know, not bother. But I just can't turn these feelings off.

Its taken me a long time to seek out help because every time I tried to reach out, admit to someone, anyone, that I was struggling - I'd get the feeling that I was too worthless, I didn't deserve help. I'd tried to stubly reach out for help, but I was also trying to hide it from everyone else. I finally got myself down to the doctor on Thursday. The plan at the moment is to switch me from Mirtazapine (30mg) to Citalipram (20mg). I'm in he process at the moment of weaning off the Mirtazapine before starting another. I'm in Uni, so they've also got my personal tutor involved, along with intense physiological appointments to try and...change my view of myself, I guess.

Right now, I'm just feeling numb. Numb, with the occasional worthless feeling smashing through. I just sort of stay in bed at this point, I don't really talk to my housemates. I don't wanna bother them. 

I do try and retreat into my interests such as anime or video games. I've tried to game with my friends, but I also feel like im intruding if I ask if it's okay for me to join in, too. They say if they're online then it means just join in, but....I guess it would be nice if I did get an invite sometimes, but again, worthless feelings say it's wrong of me to even ask to play.

Sorry. I'm rambling. I haven't tried to self harm myself or anything along that route, though I do feel like it would be better if I wasn't around. I just really hate myself right now and to be honest, I don't see why other people like me either. It's supposed to be me who keeps the group together by shouldering everything else, I'm supposed to be the one who just takes everything in their stride and just says it's all okay, when...it's not. Ugh. I just don't want to do anything anymore or just keep going, especially as I start my second year of my Zoology course next week. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to go into that hall and face it, not that I'm really friendly with anyone on my course anyway. I'm just not ready for all the work again, when I'm already beating myself up so much.

Thanks for reading, anyway, guys. I'm sorry this probably came off as desperate and I'm sorry that it's probably difficult to follow.

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I'm sorry you're struggling. From my understand, the medication you're on is one of the worst for gaining wait, so it may help with that with switching to the citalopram (may not be writing that right, the generic celexa). I'm not a doctor and everyone reacts differently so I'm generalizing. 

I've felt somewhat of what you are saying at times. If your friends didn't want to be around you, they wouldn't call you and invite you places. Please keep that in mind, and no matter how hard it is, please don't keep asking them about it. That will probably bother them if you keep asking them about it and they have to keep reassuring you. Just know if they are reaching out to you and inviting you places, they want your company. Once you're adults, you don't have to invite people places; you make your own decisions at that time. 

As far as games, I don't know a lot about those, but I know my ex-husband used to play them and he would just jump in. I never heard him complaining about anyone jumping in, so I really don't think anyone is going to be bothered by you jumping into a game.

Sorry, this is all I can think about right now. Sorry, if I come across a little harsh. I am trying to help and just don't want you to drive them away by asking them over and over if you are bothering them. Just know if they invite you, they want you there. You're being so hard on yourself. We are always so much harder on ourselves and see ourselves as so much worse than others see us. I'm like that all the time. I just try to hide it. I take my meds every day, and do the best I can to get through things as best I can. 

I wish you the best with all this. It definitely is not easy, but I have faith that you can get through this. Just know everybody has some insecurities. 

 

 

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