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How do I stop this self-destructive cycle?


Chubbybunny89

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I did it again. I've stayed inside, sitting all day for an entire week-again. Every day it's the same. I get up, go to the couch and get on the computer and end up staying there the entire day. I order Ubereats despite being unemployed, I go and watch videos, look at Facebook, look up stupid , come on this website and post . Look at the weather and think "I should go outside". Never go outside. End up inside all day. Then an hour before boyfriend gets back from work I get up and clean and cook dinner. Then we eat, watch TV and I get back on the laptop, sitting on the same couch. Then I go to sleep thinking "I'll get up and be productive tomorrow", only to wake up and repeat the same damn thing again. It's  gross, it's unhealthy, and it is self-sabotage. I don't have a job. I need a career. I think this is a major contributing factor, but at the same time I could be doing productive things. I've a list of things- learn a language, finish the kid's book, finish the novel, start a webcomic, but I never do any of it. And I don't know how to stop. I've lost all my motivation. A career in my field I don't see happening. In fact with moving and no way of transport, I don't see any job happening unless it is work from home, which I would be fine with except I don't see many real options out there unless you are a software developer or insurance salesperson. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I was so used to being this person with a definite goal and dream, and despite the odds being against me I was set on that dream. Now, I literally have nothing. 

I'm older too, I will be 30 in less than 2 years. I have no children,but am definitely suffering from baby fever. But in this state I can barely care for myself let alone another human being.

How do I get out of this? How do I stop this?

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You need a good friend who holds you accountable and drags you out of the house even when you're not motivated to get out of bed. I have found that it's a lot easier to do something for others than for myself and once you establish a habit of leaving the house it gets easier to do something even when friends aren't around. Sitting at home all day is about the worst thing you can do when suffering with depression, the monotony and isolation end up just worsening the situation and it turns into a vicious circle. 

BTW, if you want to work from home without requiring more education you could look into something like transcription, there always seem to be opportunities for that. Plenty of companies have handwritten notes or voice recordings that they need someone to transcribe. Not sure what the pay is but at least it's real work unlike so many other work-from-home opportunities. 

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Reading your post I can relate 95%. I would add that Im under stress a lot. And 10 years older than you bothers the hell out of me. Right now I got a bad headache so can't even type. Hope we can get out of this hole somehow.

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5 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

You need a good friend who holds you accountable and drags you out of the house even when you're not motivated to get out of bed. I have found that it's a lot easier to do something for others than for myself and once you establish a habit of leaving the house it gets easier to do something even when friends aren't around. Sitting at home all day is about the worst thing you can do when suffering with depression, the monotony and isolation end up just worsening the situation and it turns into a vicious circle. 

BTW, if you want to work from home without requiring more education you could look into something like transcription, there always seem to be opportunities for that. Plenty of companies have handwritten notes or voice recordings that they need someone to transcribe. Not sure what the pay is but at least it's real work unlike so many other work-from-home opportunities. 

Yea being an extrovert, being around other people energizes and motivates me. Actually the longer I am away from people the worse I get- more drained, more neurotic. My friends live in a town thirty minutes from me. I don't have a car, neither does one of my other friends. So it is harder now than before when I lived closer. I do live with my boyfriend, but he works and when he gets off he runs to his computer. And during weekends he likes to stay home. 

When I'm around people I want to go out more. But by myself I get not these bad self-destructive habits.

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First I need to pass the driving test. As for the truck two issues-first how to get it there. Second because my boyfriend really believes it is unsafe, and not to be superstitious ,but the man has a terrible habit of being right all the damn time so I try not to ignore his advice as much. However, the truck thing is an irksome issue with my mother who wants to discuss it with him in order to convince him. I bring up my mother because she is the one giving me the truck. 

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How far a drive is it from your mom's? I don't think trucks are unsafe per-se, the issue usually relates to drivers not being used to it and thinking they can drive it like a compact. They are light in the back so you're more likely to tailspin but that can be somewhat negated by putting a few sandbags in the bed, I used to live in WI and plenty of people did that during the winter months to improve traction. 

I think the best course of action would be to rent or borrow a truck and then get a few hours in with a certified instructor who can show you what to watch out for. 

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I would start learning some marketable skills.  If driving is the only thing available take it especially if you are dependent on someone.  You never know what might happen to them.  

Hell, I was let go from a big job not to long ago but got a small on in the interim.  I have a big interview on Wednesday I am getting ready for as I feel like a total d**k living at home even though I help as much as I can.

It sounds like you spend too much time in your comfort zone.  I do the same thing and am trying to break the habit.

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If your boyfriend gets home and goes right to the computer then that is pretty much showing you where his priorities are.  I'm really sorry for coming across as judgemental but it sounds like you are a kept woman.  You really act like you don't have a life or have responsibilities until he gets home. And then when he gets home what are your responsibilities? You're cleaning and cooking.  Maybe you both have a great relationship but, in my opinion, and without knowing anything about you, you probably need to get out into the world and find what your life should be.

This might sound totally dumb but have you thought about the military? Many people hate their military service but many others are grateful for it because it gave them experience, it taught them personal discipline and responsibility, and it gave them satisfaction for serving their country.  Just an idea.

As for your day to day, no matter how hard it might seem, get out of the house and go do some exercise. Walk around the block.  The next day walk a little farther. Then walk longer and farther. Maybe start running. The point is that you can set baselines for yourself which you can measure over time. Don't get discouraged if you do worse or less on a given day but keep at it and your progress will get better and better.  That forward progress, which could take weeks and weeks to see, will give you something inside of you which you can use to build upon.

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On 9/15/2017 at 7:10 AM, MtnDreams said:

If your boyfriend gets home and goes right to the computer then that is pretty much showing you where his priorities are.  I'm really sorry for coming across as judgemental but it sounds like you are a kept woman.  You really act like you don't have a life or have responsibilities until he gets home. And then when he gets home what are your responsibilities? You're cleaning and cooking.  Maybe you both have a great relationship but, in my opinion, and without knowing anything about you, you probably need to get out into the world and find what your life should be.

This might sound totally dumb but have you thought about the military? Many people hate their military service but many others are grateful for it because it gave them experience, it taught them personal discipline and responsibility, and it gave them satisfaction for serving their country.  Just an idea.

As for your day to day, no matter how hard it might seem, get out of the house and go do some exercise. Walk around the block.  The next day walk a little farther. Then walk longer and farther. Maybe start running. The point is that you can set baselines for yourself which you can measure over time. Don't get discouraged if you do worse or less on a given day but keep at it and your progress will get better and better.  That forward progress, which could take weeks and weeks to see, will give you something inside of you which you can use to build upon.

2

I'm 28 and obese, the military would never accept me. I could barely get through P.E. The weight is something I want to work on,but I'm in no way cut out for the military. They are pretty strict on physical fitness, as they should be.

Yea I am pretty much a kept woman, though I think of myself more of a leech. I probably should clarify I do have an existing social life. It's restricted by people's schedules, but still. Like today I was supposed to go have lunch with a friend. Last Friday met up with another friend, and Saturday a different friend came over. Neither of these interactions involved my boyfriend. So it's not as extreme as it seems. I guess I feel like I have no life because I don't have a job, which I want. When I interact with people more I tend to get out of that cycle. Like today, I'm feeling very productive. I didn't beeline for the couch or feel too tired. Instead actually did productive things.    

The weather is already s***ty here. It's raining and will rain and be cloudy all through the week and weekend. This is how it starts and continues until the beginning of July. So my days of enjoy outside or getting myself outside are kind of over now. :/ 

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I can relate to this.  I have not been outside for myself for a while.  I wish i had a friend.  Someone I know invited me to go watch a movie this weekend.  I am reluctant to go because I don't like movies.  But, to go with him anyway would give me a chance to get out the house, even though I may not enjoy it.

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On 9/14/2017 at 6:35 PM, Chubbybunny89 said:

I did it again. I've stayed inside, sitting all day for an entire week-again. Every day it's the same. I get up, go to the couch and get on the computer and end up staying there the entire day. I order Ubereats despite being unemployed, I go and watch videos, look at Facebook, look up stupid , come on this website and post . Look at the weather and think "I should go outside". Never go outside. End up inside all day. Then an hour before boyfriend gets back from work I get up and clean and cook dinner. Then we eat, watch TV and I get back on the laptop, sitting on the same couch. Then I go to sleep thinking "I'll get up and be productive tomorrow", only to wake up and repeat the same damn thing again. It's  gross, it's unhealthy, and it is self-sabotage. I don't have a job. I need a career. I think this is a major contributing factor, but at the same time I could be doing productive things. I've a list of things- learn a language, finish the kid's book, finish the novel, start a webcomic, but I never do any of it. And I don't know how to stop. I've lost all my motivation. A career in my field I don't see happening. In fact with moving and no way of transport, I don't see any job happening unless it is work from home, which I would be fine with except I don't see many real options out there unless you are a software developer or insurance salesperson. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I was so used to being this person with a definite goal and dream, and despite the odds being against me I was set on that dream. Now, I literally have nothing. 

I'm older too, I will be 30 in less than 2 years. I have no children,but am definitely suffering from baby fever. But in this state I can barely care for myself let alone another human being.

How do I get out of this? How do I stop this?

Hi again CB!

Something I totally relate to.  I had a business that pretty much ran itself.  I would sit at home in PJs with dirty hair, getting up only to eat...a lot.  I really didn't understand that I was missing out on things in life like, I dunno, sunshine and walking my ass around:)  It all seemed like such a hassle.  I eventually started looking at my inactivity because at some point I realized I was avoiding everything.  

I got out of it by taking a crappy little part-time union job and within a year turned that crappy little job into a full-time status and became the boss.  That stupid job paid for me to do the things I really want to be doing.   I think the best thing for you to do is to pack up your laptop and change your setting.  Get to the nearest internet cafe, or even the library and start working on your writing.  Set a goal for one hour a day.  And do it at least 5 - 6 days a week.  You have to force yourself to clean up, throw yourself together and get out before a certain time each day.  Setting a goal like this will cost you a couple hours a day, but it will realign your days and put you on a schedule.  You will feel more energized and accomplished and you'll be getting a little exercise as well.  You know I have your back and you know me well enough by now to tell me to screw off if I'm on the wrong track.  I'm totally here for you!:)

 

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18 hours ago, Debbers said:

Hi again CB!

Something I totally relate to.  I had a business that pretty much ran itself.  I would sit at home in PJs with dirty hair, getting up only to eat...a lot.  I really didn't understand that I was missing out on things in life like, I dunno, sunshine and walking my ass around:)  It all seemed like such a hassle.  I eventually started looking at my inactivity because at some point I realized I was avoiding everything.  

I got out of it by taking a crappy little part-time union job and within a year turned that crappy little job into a full-time status and became the boss.  That stupid job paid for me to do the things I really want to be doing.   I think the best thing for you to do is to pack up your laptop and change your setting.  Get to the nearest internet cafe, or even the library and start working on your writing.  Set a goal for one hour a day.  And do it at least 5 - 6 days a week.  You have to force yourself to clean up, throw yourself together and get out before a certain time each day.  Setting a goal like this will cost you a couple hours a day, but it will realign your days and put you on a schedule.  You will feel more energized and accomplished and you'll be getting a little exercise as well.  You know I have your back and you know me well enough by now to tell me to screw off if I'm on the wrong track.  I'm totally here for you!:)

 

I definitely should go outside more, but when I'm by myself I tend not to. When have friends or if I can get my boyfriend to go out with me I do go out. I get more hermitish in the winter too due to germphobia. I hate going to places like internet cafes becasue it's crowded, noisy, smelly, lots of distractions and you can't really socialize with anyone because no one goes there to make friends. It's also why I hate crowds. If it were a social environment where talking to someone randomly or someone approaches you then I am okay. This is why I enjoy bars, but despise other crowded places. Plus if I am going to do a solitary activity such as work or study then I don't want to be around people because when I am around people I don't want to do my activityi-I want to talk to the people.

When the weather is s***ty I go out even less. This is why I am moving. This area just sucks for me. Aside from not being able to get a job, the weather is literally rainy and cloudy September to June with a short lovely summer only in July and August. Fall-more like winter, has already started here. It's raining and cold for the fourth day in a row. I hate it. And the people in these parts are more introverted and less friendly. I'm the kind fo person who enjoys striking up a conversation with a stranger, and tend to do it too often much to the chagrin of the more introverted people in my life. If it were not for my Seasonal Affective Disorder and my germphobia, I would be far less inhibited and probably not stay inside. I am hoping by moving to somewhere sunnier I will be more invlined to go out. I've got three weeks before I move, and this weather is already getting to me. I had to turn the heater on today. Where I'm moving to it is currently 94 degrees.  

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On 9/14/2017 at 9:35 PM, Chubbybunny89 said:
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I did it again. I've stayed inside, sitting all day for an entire week-again. Every day it's the same. I get up, go to the couch and get on the computer and end up staying there the entire day. I order Ubereats despite being unemployed, I go and watch videos, look at Facebook, look up stupid , come on this website and post . Look at the weather and think "I should go outside". Never go outside. End up inside all day. Then an hour before boyfriend gets back from work I get up and clean and cook dinner. Then we eat, watch TV and I get back on the laptop, sitting on the same couch. Then I go to sleep thinking "I'll get up and be productive tomorrow", only to wake up and repeat the same damn thing again. It's  gross, it's unhealthy, and it is self-sabotage. I don't have a job. I need a career. I think this is a major contributing factor, but at the same time I could be doing productive things. I've a list of things- learn a language, finish the kid's book, finish the novel, start a webcomic, but I never do any of it. And I don't know how to stop. I've lost all my motivation. A career in my field I don't see happening. In fact with moving and no way of transport, I don't see any job happening unless it is work from home, which I would be fine with except I don't see many real options out there unless you are a software developer or insurance salesperson. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I was so used to being this person with a definite goal and dream, and despite the odds being against me I was set on that dream. Now, I literally have nothing. 

I'm older too, I will be 30 in less than 2 years. I have no children,but am definitely suffering from baby fever. But in this state I can barely care for myself let alone another human being.

How do I get out of this? How do I stop this?

Are you dealing with depression?  And please, 30 years old, kinda give yourself a break here.  That's very young.  I think a therapist could help you break out of this cycle, or at least help you be motivated and take that first step.  Something is causing you to not go outside, don't beat yourself up about it.  In fact, being angry at yourself and disappointed just makes you feel worse, right?  So, look up some nearby therapist, explain how you are feeling and see if they can give you a consultation (then meet weekly which will get you out of the house).  If you're not insured, look up city agencies or community centers that offer free therapy/counseling.  Maybe even someone who specializes in employment.  I do agree bringing a child into this situation wouldn't be a good idea.  Maybe that's not baby fever but your fever to get out there and live your life.  I wish you all the best, and I believe with a therapist, you'll be taking that first step.  *hugs*

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On 9/20/2017 at 2:37 PM, HeatherG said:

Are you dealing with depression?  And please, 30 years old, kinda give yourself a break here.  That's very young.  I think a therapist could help you break out of this cycle, or at least help you be motivated and take that first step.  Something is causing you to not go outside, don't beat yourself up about it.  In fact, being angry at yourself and disappointed just makes you feel worse, right?  So, look up some nearby therapist, explain how you are feeling and see if they can give you a consultation (then meet weekly which will get you out of the house).  If you're not insured, look up city agencies or community centers that offer free therapy/counseling.  Maybe even someone who specializes in employment.  I do agree bringing a child into this situation wouldn't be a good idea.  Maybe that's not baby fever but your fever to get out there and live your life.  I wish you all the best, and I believe with a therapist, you'll be taking that first step.  *hugs*

Oh I definitely have baby fever as well. I've started having it when I turned 25. Would have dreams of being pregnant right before my period, would intentionally walk down the baby aisle of Wal-Mart, fantasize about going shopping with my imaginary four year old who asks endless questions, say "oh how cute!" when seeing a baby or small child when before I wasn't just like "meh".

I need and want a therapist. I'll look into community things when I move,but considering the current politics of healthcare and the fact that I'm moving to to a red state I doubt I'll be able to get free counseling. Plus I won't have insurance. Therapists have bills too!! So I might just be screwed. If I was staying in the his state I might have access,but again everyone on my insurance isn't going to lose I think soon. Maybe if I can lands an actual job that provides insurance though I doubt they would cover therapy..

i am hoping to see improvement from moving though I need to get independent at the same time....

The worst thing about depression is how you start losing people and slowly become alone.

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On 9/24/2017 at 2:27 PM, Chubbybunny89 said:

Oh I definitely have baby fever as well. I've started having it when I turned 25. Would have dreams of being pregnant right before my period, would intentionally walk down the baby aisle of Wal-Mart, fantasize about going shopping with my imaginary four year old who asks endless questions, say "oh how cute!" when seeing a baby or small child when before I wasn't just like "meh".

I need and want a therapist. I'll look into community things when I move,but considering the current politics of healthcare and the fact that I'm moving to to a red state I doubt I'll be able to get free counseling. Plus I won't have insurance. Therapists have bills too!! So I might just be screwed. If I was staying in the his state I might have access,but again everyone on my insurance isn't going to lose I think soon. Maybe if I can lands an actual job that provides insurance though I doubt they would cover therapy..

i am hoping to see improvement from moving though I need to get independent at the same time....

The worst thing about depression is how you start losing people and slowly become alone.

Remember these words YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Okay?  You are not alone.  Lots of support on this website, and all around you it just means getting out--and personally I know how hard it is to just leave the house.  But I have to see my therapist, or I won't see the new year (I'll be ok tho, I guess).  Please allow me to say I'm moved by your words about being a mom, and I respect the baby fever.  But I know in your heart, you want to be in a good healthy stable place, with a strong solid supportive partner, before you bring a child into this world.  That's all I can say about that.  Ok, yes, I too love being in a baby store and seeing all the little pinks and blues *smile*...  

Wow red states aren't helping?  Geez, how insensitive (and I know because I'm from a red state).  And you're moving to a red state?  Ouch :(  I don't know where to start, maybe within that state there has to be some community centers, churches or organizations, you might have to google and hope their listing..??  Yes that's why I want to get back to work, because I truly miss that healthcare package.  With my package, it did always cover mental health/therapy tho.  Usually a move can open up all kinds of new things, new people, new opportunities, contact maybe a chamber of commerce and see what their listing??  Honey as you may lose people who don't understand depression, you are gaining a whole community of people like us who do care, who want to help, who are supportive and deeply want to see you happy and healthy.  Keep in touch.. :console:

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On 9/14/2017 at 6:35 PM, Chubbybunny89 said:
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I did it again. I've stayed inside, sitting all day for an entire week-again. Every day it's the same. I get up, go to the couch and get on the computer and end up staying there the entire day. I order Ubereats despite being unemployed, I go and watch videos, look at Facebook, look up stupid , come on this website and post . Look at the weather and think "I should go outside". Never go outside. End up inside all day. Then an hour before boyfriend gets back from work I get up and clean and cook dinner. Then we eat, watch TV and I get back on the laptop, sitting on the same couch. Then I go to sleep thinking "I'll get up and be productive tomorrow", only to wake up and repeat the same damn thing again. It's  gross, it's unhealthy, and it is self-sabotage. I don't have a job. I need a career. I think this is a major contributing factor, but at the same time I could be doing productive things. I've a list of things- learn a language, finish the kid's book, finish the novel, start a webcomic, but I never do any of it. And I don't know how to stop. I've lost all my motivation. A career in my field I don't see happening. In fact with moving and no way of transport, I don't see any job happening unless it is work from home, which I would be fine with except I don't see many real options out there unless you are a software developer or insurance salesperson. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I was so used to being this person with a definite goal and dream, and despite the odds being against me I was set on that dream. Now, I literally have nothing. 

I'm older too, I will be 30 in less than 2 years. I have no children,but am definitely suffering from baby fever. But in this state I can barely care for myself let alone another human being.

How do I get out of this? How do I stop this?

Gee, older?  Now I feel ancient. What you are going through is very common in people with mental illness, especially ptsd. I do the same, don't want to but I hate leaving my prison. You don't mention or I missed the weather you are on meds or not; I mention this only because if you aren't you should talk to your pdoc about this serious issue. You're very young and have an excellent chance of improving your situation. Though I haven't rode lately I enjoy cycling, it helps to get me out of the house and is very helpful with my MI. Please do what you can to help yourself enjoy life, don't allow yourself to live like this. 

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