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Lxurenelizx

All over the place

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So I have anorexia nervosa and a purging disorder. Ive been struggling for about a year now. Ive lost 50 lbs probably so far. Ive been trying to conquer it, people in my life have been supportive. I met a wonderful guy who helps me and stays by me after i eat to make sure i keep it down and keeps my mind off of things. I was doing pretty good. Then i went to the doctor because i felt a humongous lump on my breast. It was sore and was about the size of a golfball. When i was there i also found out i was pregnant.. with both of us pursuing our college careers and me not having enough nutritition to support a child along with money issues, times issues, and not being able to turn an eating disorder off no matter how badly i try, i decided to have an abortion. Im taking the abortion pill at home. I took it tonight and tomorrow i take the other pill to expel. I talked to many people about options, have a lot of support for my decision, my boyfriend knows and has been wonderful supporting and making sure im okay. Ive had so many thoughts and worries. I feel horrible and ive been crying ever since i found out. I never wanted to have to make this decision and always was trying to be as safe as i could. Im only 6 weeks and i gained about 7 lbs and i feel so selfish and so horrible because here i am still freaking out about my weight. Im not allowed to vomit during this whole thing and its freaking me out. I have so many thoughts going on i cant help but tear myself down about everything in this situation. Im scared to talk to anyone because so many people have different views on this topic and i know my decision wont sit well with everyone. I just need a piece of mind. Im not ready for all this pain and constant thoughts of what im doing.

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1 hour ago, Lxurenelizx said:
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So I have anorexia nervosa and a purging disorder. Ive been struggling for about a year now. Ive lost 50 lbs probably so far. Ive been trying to conquer it, people in my life have been supportive. I met a wonderful guy who helps me and stays by me after i eat to make sure i keep it down and keeps my mind off of things. I was doing pretty good. Then i went to the doctor because i felt a humongous lump on my breast. It was sore and was about the size of a golfball. When i was there i also found out i was pregnant.. with both of us pursuing our college careers and me not having enough nutritition to support a child along with money issues, times issues, and not being able to turn an eating disorder off no matter how badly i try, i decided to have an abortion. Im taking the abortion pill at home. I took it tonight and tomorrow i take the other pill to expel. I talked to many people about options, have a lot of support for my decision, my boyfriend knows and has been wonderful supporting and making sure im okay. Ive had so many thoughts and worries. I feel horrible and ive been crying ever since i found out. I never wanted to have to make this decision and always was trying to be as safe as i could. Im only 6 weeks and i gained about 7 lbs and i feel so selfish and so horrible because here i am still freaking out about my weight. Im not allowed to vomit during this whole thing and its freaking me out. I have so many thoughts going on i cant help but tear myself down about everything in this situation. Im scared to talk to anyone because so many people have different views on this topic and i know my decision wont sit well with everyone. I just need a piece of mind. Im not ready for all this pain and constant thoughts of what im doing.

Gosh I understand your struggles.  And the last thing you probably want to hear is for you to take it easy on yourself.  You're blaming yourself, adding in the guilty, worry, stress, and this decision that nobody has a right to judge you on--Nobody.  Are you seeing anyone for your condition, anorexia?  Also this depression you're experiencing, even though you have a wonderful boyfriend (I'm glad), he's there for love and support but a therapist separate to handle these thoughts that are plaguing you, this self-doubt, anger, disappointment, all these things that run around in our heads and they keep us feeling down.  Allow yourself some relief by talking to a therapist.  Someone genuine, kind, supportive, who understands these issues and can help advise, nurture, encourage you and help you see how wonderful YOU are.  This decision about your pregnancy does not define who you are, don't let anybody tell you otherwise.  Problems with food don't define who you are.  Be gentle with yourself, find a therapist and allow some healing to start.  Take care.

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