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BlueWeepingRose

I have a friend who's borderline. Help me understand.

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He's a good person but there's times he's distant and I won't hear from him for days. I try to be understanding. Other times he's very cold and sarcastic, but he'll end up feeling bad and than he'll punish himself and isolate himself, caught on to how he says he's not a good person and how he should just be alone forever and think negative about himself. When he's fine, he'll be very caring, funny and will be there for me.

I've been picking up on his black and white thinking, mood swings and bitterness if he's hurt. I'll never hurt his feelings on purpose but he's very sensitive and if anyone tries to joke with him and laughs, he'll get angry and think there out to get him or making fun of him when it's not the case at all. Wanted me to see him this week, but I can't visit him at this time. He's upset with me and went back to being distant towards me. I told him I care for him and that I'll always be there for him. He just needs to talk to me but he's isolating himself once again. Can someone please help me out? Is he fearing I'll abandon him? Is he shutting off due to things that happened to him. His mother abandoned him when he was quite young. I'm very close to him. But anytime I can't see him, he'll get sad and act as if I don't want to see him when that's not the case. Other times he'll push me away if I get to close to him. Just please help me understand this. I won't criticize. I want to be here for him. He means a lot to me. Just need someone to explain his behavior to me.

Edited by BlueWeepingRose

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Posted · Report post  

1 hour ago, BlueWeepingRose said:

Wanted me to see him this week, but I can't visit him at this time. He's upset with me and went back to being distant towards me. I told him I care for him and that I'll always be there for him. He just needs to talk to me but he's isolating himself once again. Can someone please help me out? Is he fearing I'll abandon him? Is he shutting off due to things that happened to him. His mother abandoned him when he was quite young.

It doesn't matter what you say to him at this point, the voices in his head are screaming "she doesn't give a f***, she's abandoning me, she's not a real friend, she betrayed me!" Just leave him alone until he calms down, there really isn't anything you can say that will make him change his mind. If you push there's a good chance he'll push back and be very mean and hurtful, possibly irreversibly damaging the friendship. I have BPD and trust me, we know exactly which buttons to push when we're in a mood. Our black and white thinking allows us to completely dehumanize friends so when we're upset with a friend there's no limit to our destructive urges (not physical, but emotional). Even if he responds he may end up putting you through a sh1t-test to see if you really care, the test will be difficult to pass and if you fail he'll be even more convinced that you don't care about him. 

Now the good news is those bad moods never last long, usually it's just a few days to a few weeks at the most. Basically BPD makes us have very thin skin and poor emotional self-regulation, our emotional maturity is best compared to that of a small child. If we don't get what we want or we feel hurt we throw temper tantrums. 

And yes, fear of abandonment is a major component of BPD. Something as small as someone not responding to a text message within X minutes can make our mind go crazy with paranoid thoughts about the person not caring and abandoning us. 

2 hours ago, BlueWeepingRose said:

But anytime I can't see him, he'll get sad and act as if I don't want to see him when that's not the case. Other times he'll push me away if I get to close to him. 

Because deep down that's what he believes and he's just waiting for you to reject him. At times he'll push you away to protect you and/or punish himself. 

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On 9/11/2017 at 2:41 AM, lonelyforeigner said:

It doesn't matter what you say to him at this point, the voices in his head are screaming "she doesn't give a f***, she's abandoning me, she's not a real friend, she betrayed me!" Just leave him alone until he calms down, there really isn't anything you can say that will make him change his mind. If you push there's a good chance he'll push back and be very mean and hurtful, possibly irreversibly damaging the friendship. I have BPD and trust me, we know exactly which buttons to push when we're in a mood. Our black and white thinking allows us to completely dehumanize friends so when we're upset with a friend there's no limit to our destructive urges (not physical, but emotional). Even if he responds he may end up putting you through a sh1t-test to see if you really care, the test will be difficult to pass and if you fail he'll be even more convinced that you don't care about him. 

Now the good news is those bad moods never last long, usually it's just a few days to a few weeks at the most. Basically BPD makes us have very thin skin and poor emotional self-regulation, our emotional maturity is best compared to that of a small child. If we don't get what we want or we feel hurt we throw temper tantrums. 

And yes, fear of abandonment is a major component of BPD. Something as small as someone not responding to a text message within X minutes can make our mind go crazy with paranoid thoughts about the person not caring and abandoning us. 

Because deep down that's what he believes and he's just waiting for you to reject him. At times he'll push you away to protect you and/or punish himself. 

Yes, I've noticed that. He thinks he's not good enough a lot and many girls left him or cheated on him cause he feared them cheating on him, hurting him or meeting a guy better than him and leaving him. He has told me that he loves me but thinks he should be alone due to his anger and mood swings. He's constantly in his head and he has had problems with drinking and drug use. He has never injured himself but there's times he gets upset during driving and has high anxiety. Picked up on how he thinks like a child at times and he does throw tantrums. I always hug him. Anytime he's distant, he'll tell me I'm sorry I'm distant, I just get weird. One day he will love me, the next he's very distant and feel him pushing me away and I can tell through text when he's in a bad place. Anytime I can't see him, he gets very sad and distant. When he's mad, he has said hurtful things but cries and feels bad later. I end up just leaving the room. He has small amount of friends but he does always communicate with me. Has trust issues as well and suspicious. These are just more things I picked up. And I haven't texted him or messaged him, I'm letting him cool down but when he does come back I tell him how much I've missed him. Thanks for your feedback cause I don't know much about it. All this info helps me understand. Think it's good that him and I are going slow. He's told me he doesn't feel much and he thinks he's a bad person. Guessing it's low self esteem talking..

Edited by BlueWeepingRose

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