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Aaronbenav

I don't know how to deal with my girlfriend anymore

5 posts in this topic

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I really don't mean to be offensive here but I'm so frustrated that I don't know what to do. My girlfriend of a little over a year has crippling depression and even though we have had our rough spots, we've been happy. She's also an extreme introvert and that makes it hard because between the depression and the introversion and our conflicting schedules we see each other maybe twice a week on average, sometimes more sometimes less. Normally I can deal but the last two weeks have been hell. She's been ignoring my texts, not answering her door, and after a few days I finally just left her a voicemail and said "enough is enough, I don't know what's happening, but if you're done with me and you want me to come by and pick my stuff up then I will, I just need to know". She texted me back soon after and apologized for everything and it had nothing to do with me, and told me if I was sick of this then I could get my stuff. I went over and we talked and I told her if she doesn't want to be with me anymore then it's ok but that I needed to know. She said she did want to be with me but that she's broken. I forgave her and we went on. Again today just wants to be alone. I don't know what to do. She won't get help, absolutely refuses to go see a doctor. It's like she wants to be miserable and likes that she's different. She's the opposite of needy, she's totally withdrawn. I love her so much but I refuse to be treated like crap, or let her use her illness as an excuse for abusing me. I just have no idea what to do. Should I ignore her or just walk away?

thanks everybody

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Posted · Report post  

Welcome to DF, aaronbenav.  :console:  How are things going with your gf?  Ordinarily I would say to stick it out, but if she refuses to get help, or to help herself, I'm not sure what you could do.  How are things now?

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I'm sorry for what you're going through. Depression is hell.

If she won't help herself, there's no way you can help her. She's never going to get better that way.  It may be time to move on.

Have you asked her why she won't get Therapy?

best of luck to you.

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We can be tough to deal with and pushing away the people you love is common. She doesn't want to be this way and she might be ashamed that she can't be a better person for you. I imagine she loves you and appreciates you but that can make it more difficult when you're depressed. You don't want to be a burden and drag down the person that you love. So there's probably an ambivalence in how she feels towards you. Your relationship with her might mean a lot to her but she may feel that you'd be better off without her. She sounds like she needs some help, and if she won't go to a doctor then perhaps an ultimatum would force her. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy, but if she won't do anything to help herself then you won't stick around. As much as she might distance herself from you, and perhaps be unpleasant to you, your relationship with her is probably one of the main things that keeps her going, and if you tell her that you want her to get better, and will help her however you can, then she might have the motivation to get some help.

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13 minutes ago, Nisemono said:

She sounds like she needs some help, and if she won't go to a doctor then perhaps an ultimatum would force her. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy, but if she won't do anything to help herself then you won't stick around. As much as she might distance herself from you, and perhaps be unpleasant to you, your relationship with her is probably one of the main things that keeps her going, and if you tell her that you want her to get better, and will help her however you can, then she might have the motivation to get some help.

Completely agree with that! Seeing a doctor can be hard for many reasons; embarrassment, admitting failure, not believing that it can get better, or in some cases not wanting to get better. Sometimes depression can almost be comforting and "enjoyable" in a sick way, getting better means a lot of work and the possibility of losing everything all over again.

If she doesn't want to get help you'll have to force her and giving her an ultimatum is the only way to achieve that. She'll probably get extremely upset and try to guilt trip you into reconsidering or depending on her personality she may even resort to suicidal threats. Be prepared to go through hell but in the long run it's the best for both of you. If you can't make her get help then you'll need to distance yourself from her as painful as it is, you can't help someone who's completely unwilling and they will end up dragging you down with them, it's like trying to rescue someone who's drowning who's actively resisting, it won't work. 

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