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Little Wallace

I don't know where to put this

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I just need to vent about my life and stuff.

So, I'm thirteen, and in the eighth grade. I go to a special needs school because I have dyscalculia -which is like dyslexia, but with numbers- so I already felt bad about that. This morning at school, I threw up fource... frice? Four times. Our PE teacher does really terrible and unethical things, and I had a small breakfast because everything in the house is disgusting.


The teachers called my mom, yada yada. But when she got here, she wasn't sympathetic in the slightest. She just looked all mad and disappointed. She wasn't caring at all. I said, "I'm sorry," twice. On the car ride to the doctor's office she went on about how 'if I keep missing school, I'm never gonna get a degree in criminal justice,' which is true, but it's definitely not what to say to a sick child.


((Side note: I don't even want to go into criminal justice. I want to be a voice actor and comic writer. She says I have to major in something that can actually get me a non-risky job.))


She said her and my homeroom teacher thought that I was fake vomiting to get out of school, which is enough for me to want to stab someone. So anyway, I started crying because she was pressuring me to make life choices when I'm hardly a decade old, and she didn't comfort me, she just kept talking about everything that's painful about being alive.


We get to the doctor's office, and guess who at least acts like they care about me? The doctor. Just the doctor. At this point; I've already had a thought.


"As soon as I get home, I'm gonna **** myself."


I thought that because I realized I'm literally only clinging onto one thing. One thing is keeping me from doing that. And that's my stories. My comics. The things I want to write, draw, and show to the world. The catch is, I'm not capable of doing that yet.


I could wait, but waiting twelve years to pursue some silly novel that people are probably not gonna even like seems like a little too much work. It's like, once you're born, you get a message that says,


"Hey! Welcome to existence. You can do whatever you want. Except you have to endure 25 years of hell to get to it. That doesn't sound too bad, does it? Here: I'll make it worse."


I get that it's sad that I'll be leaving the people that ARE nice to me, but I'm a Christian, and I'd prefer to live with God where nothing's wrong, than live with some okay humans in a world that's quickly melting to nothing but hate.


Another thing. I identify as non-binary, and I'm attracted to the same sex, but my parents are super conservative, homophobic, transphobic, equality-phobic, Christians. My two sisters are also both Christians that are part of the LGBT community, but one of them just went off to college in another state. A lot of the story ideas I have include LGBT characters and plot points. When my oldest sister came out as Bi to our parents, they dropped her off at a random spot on the road and left. When I almost came out, they told me that the LGBT community was made specifically to take people away from their Christianity.


Like, I get that my parents are trying, but they're probably not trying that hard.


There's so much going on that gives me unbearable depression and anxiety, like a****** kids at my school, a****** people getting societal rule over me, the fact that I'll only get what I want if I hate myself, and that I have to make it through a terrible part of my life that everyone tells me to savor. I really don't know what to do anymore. 


As I write this on my couch, while my mom is out getting my sister from her highschool, I wait eagerly for someone to at least be a decent human. Please, don't tell me to '**** myself' as the Internet finds so humorous.

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That sounds so terrible.  You should probably tell about this to your doctor.  I really hope you feel better.  And as far as comic writing goes, I believe Walt Disney himself was in a similar position for at least a while, so for all you know, you might grow up to be as famous as him.  

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Middle school is the worst.  Trust me, as I've been through it and survived.  High school is better, and college is even better than that.  So, there's a lot to look forward to.

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