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Anxious for the future


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Not sure where to start with this and obviously I don't want to go into a life story. However it is always difficult detailing ones circumstances without necessary information.
Last month I returned after a few months in S America. Before I left I was in a contracted role in the civil service which I didn't mind doing and would have carried on there, however I didn't get the permanent job when it was offered. I had 4 other interviews for other roles but was not successful despite coming very close to getting one of them. I was torn about whether to travel or carry on looking for work but in the end I went for this trip. It was good trip, no regrets on that aspect.

Now I've been back for more than a month and it's been a very difficult time. I feel very anxious, low motivation, self pity and generally extremely disappointed with myself and my life. I have been here before though, story of my life.

I'll be in my mid thirties in a few weeks time and the very thought of it is making me very anxious and in a panic. This is because I'm feeling completely lost and so far behind in life. I have no partner, no career and no job for now, no home (I live with family at the moment). I have nothing going for me. I am trying not to feel like a failure but it is how I feel. I never thought that I would reach this stage of my life and have very little to show for it. I do want to settle down, meet someone, have a family etc. but these things you cannot control of course. I have tried and keep trying but I think it's more to do with not really having that focus on what I actually want. I've thought about seeing a career coach but with the fees that they charge it's probably unrealistic at the moment.

For most of my life I have had no clue as to what to do with myself. I've struggled with depression etc so that hasn't helped. I enjoy travelling, sport, aviation, movies etc. but so do alot of people. As I said I was comfortable in working in the large government depts. where I've been before as I didn't mind the environment and lack of corporate culture. I would love to live and work abroad as I've been settled in the UK for too long now. Problem is I'm not an engineer or doctor where I can just take my skills anywhere. I would settle for an ok job in a place like this, someone to come home to and a modest place to live. That's not much to ask for yet I've never even come close to getting there. I have been stuck in this same place for so many years.

I know I'm not exactly old to start over but I feel so far behind other people my age who are already settled into careers. What are my options at this stage? I worry too about meeting a woman who will accept my situation and circumstances. Being bald doesn't help either. 

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2 hours ago, endoftheworld said:

Not sure where to start with this and obviously I don't want to go into a life story. However it is always difficult detailing ones circumstances without necessary information.
Last month I returned after a few months in S America. Before I left I was in a contracted role in the civil service which I didn't mind doing and would have carried on there, however I didn't get the permanent job when it was offered. I had 4 other interviews for other roles but was not successful despite coming very close to getting one of them. I was torn about whether to travel or carry on looking for work but in the end I went for this trip. It was good trip, no regrets on that aspect.

Now I've been back for more than a month and it's been a very difficult time. I feel very anxious, low motivation, self pity and generally extremely disappointed with myself and my life. I have been here before though, story of my life.

I'll be in my mid thirties in a few weeks time and the very thought of it is making me very anxious and in a panic. This is because I'm feeling completely lost and so far behind in life. I have no partner, no career and no job for now, no home (I live with family at the moment). I have nothing going for me. I am trying not to feel like a failure but it is how I feel. I never thought that I would reach this stage of my life and have very little to show for it. I do want to settle down, meet someone, have a family etc. but these things you cannot control of course. I have tried and keep trying but I think it's more to do with not really having that focus on what I actually want. I've thought about seeing a career coach but with the fees that they charge it's probably unrealistic at the moment.

For most of my life I have had no clue as to what to do with myself. I've struggled with depression etc so that hasn't helped. I enjoy travelling, sport, aviation, movies etc. but so do alot of people. As I said I was comfortable in working in the large government depts. where I've been before as I didn't mind the environment and lack of corporate culture. I would love to live and work abroad as I've been settled in the UK for too long now. Problem is I'm not an engineer or doctor where I can just take my skills anywhere. I would settle for an ok job in a place like this, someone to come home to and a modest place to live. That's not much to ask for yet I've never even come close to getting there. I have been stuck in this same place for so many years.

I know I'm not exactly old to start over but I feel so far behind other people my age who are already settled into careers. What are my options at this stage? I worry too about meeting a woman who will accept my situation and circumstances. Being bald doesn't help either. 

Dear endoftheworld,

     I feel for you.  I understand what it is like to get to a place where you feel all the odds are against you.  In truth, I think you're probably far more wonderful than you give yourself credit for being.  You've traveled, and you've been involved with other cultures.  I think this helps you to have a more worldly perspective than most people have.  

     As far as taking the trip, well, I'm all for it, but there might be a correlation between the feelings you have about living with your family and having taken the trip.  This is just a hunch, but I believe your family believes in you perhaps more than your able to at the moment.  It sounds to me like you're totally beating yourself up.  This of course is no Bueno!  

     I think you're taking everything in all at once and seeing it as the sum of who you are, which is wildly unfair to yourself.  The first thing I would encourage you to do would be to get a journal and start a goal chart.  Make a list of everything that you want to do and arrange it in each category's importance.  Chip away at ONE item at a time.  Keep your goal chart up on a wall where you can see your achievements.  

      And by the way, your life is not over.  I'm nearly twice your age and have had a few careers.  Sometimes it's nice to just reinvent yourself and try something new.  And as for the bald head, a lot of us women LOVE THEM!!!!!

     In my honest opinion, I think you need to realize that you are already wonderful and worthy just as you are!  I hope you will continue to post.  Your honesty and ability to look at your situation is refreshing and I am looking forward to your success story!

- Deb

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Hi EndoftheWorld,

It is nice to meet you.  You've been through a lot and are still going through a lot.  I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right not.  Anxiety can be just awful. Just awful!  I wish I could write more but OA in my hands prevents me from typing for long.

  I am 62 years old and feel as though I have lived not one but many lives in those 62 years.  Some were pretty difficult and disappointing to me and seemed to be the last chapter in my book of life but surprises came along, happy surprises and not just unhappy ones.  And they gave birth to a new life for me so to speak.

I often think of a German man name Schindler. He also lived many lives in his life.  Some seemed to go nowhere. Some seemed to get stuck in futility.    Some seemed to fail.  He suffered long periods of stagnation.  His marriage and family life was less that ideal.  Many of his business ventures went bust.  He hit bottom many times.  But he is not really known for any of that.  At some point in his life he saved the lives of over 1000 men, women and children who were slated to be executed in concentration camps.  I doubt that he would have ever been able to foresee what he did when he was younger.   And it could be that the dark times in his life are partly what gave birth to the greatness in him. 

I think there is greatness in you too, greatness that is just temporarily impeded by circumstances.  You have other lives coming, other chapters of your book.  Often it is the people who have experienced bad things who go on to do good things, even great things.   When Thomas Edison was trying to create an electric light bulb, he experienced numerous failed experiments.  It is said that someone encouraged him to give up and said to him:  "You have failed 10,000 times, just give up." But Edison is said to have replied:  "I have not failed 10,000 times, I have just discovered 10,000 things that don't work."  I hope you won't give up.  Or even if you hit bottom, which I hope never happens to you[!!!] I hope some happy surprises will open a new chapter in your life.  Believe it or not, you have tremendous inner resources and strengths in spite of everything that is happening right now.  Sometimes timing is important too.  I personally have hit bottom a few times in my life and although I immediately wanted a new chapter in my life to come, it took some time. Sometimes we must bear with ourselves. 

Now the most important things I want to say to you!  I wish to apologize to you now if anything I have said has made things worse for you or if any of my comments have been hurtful rather than helpful.  It is so difficult to know what to say sometimes.  If my words have not been helpful, please forgive me and allow me to substitute my good wishes in their place.  I am rooting for you.  I cannot help thinking there is greatness in you!!!  I wish you all good things . . . all the very best!!!  - epictetus

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Thank you both for your very thoughtful replies on my story. I appreciate it. 

You are right Debbers, I do need to focus more on what I have achieved and what I already have in my life. I suppose it's difficult because the depression clouds everything, as I'm sure you know. 

I suppose one of main concerns in relation to this uncertainty about not being sure what to do with my life, is that because I have no career, no real vision at the moment, it is ruining my chances with women. 
I'm tall, decent looking and personality, rarely drink, well travelled, culturally aware etc. and I believe I genuinely feel I have things to offer a good woman.  
However the problem is at almost 34 I haven't really had a career and finding work at the moment is not easy due to the lack of jobs in my field. This means possibly starting over and doing something new, which is fine if I knew what I wanted to do. I am trying and I believe deep down I am driven, hard-working and ambitious but external circumstances (the depression/lack of opportunities) have prevented me from becoming the man I could have been by now.  As Epictetus says maybe one day in the future things could change and I might have that long awaited breakthrough to greatness. I just don't know but what you said certainly made sense.  

I'm very anxious and I'm panicking because who out there is going to want to be with a guy like me, despite all the other positive things I do have going for me? They seem to be going to waste. Maybe there are women out there who just want to be treated well and are looking for a trust worthy and kind man and aren't too bothered about his income or potential to provide.

However, I keep thinking about how security is important for women despite a society that says otherwise.  Women are still attracted by the ability of a man to provide for them and her children. Women want security right?

 

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2 hours ago, endoftheworld said:

Thank you both for your very thoughtful replies on my story. I appreciate it. 

You are right Debbers, I do need to focus more on what I have achieved and what I already have in my life. I suppose it's difficult because the depression clouds everything, as I'm sure you know. 

I suppose one of main concerns in relation to this uncertainty about not being sure what to do with my life, is that because I have no career, no real vision at the moment, it is ruining my chances with women. 
I'm tall, decent looking and personality, rarely drink, well travelled, culturally aware etc. and I believe I genuinely feel I have things to offer a good woman.  
However the problem is at almost 34 I haven't really had a career and finding work at the moment is not easy due to the lack of jobs in my field. This means possibly starting over and doing something new, which is fine if I knew what I wanted to do. I am trying and I believe deep down I am driven, hard-working and ambitious but external circumstances (the depression/lack of opportunities) have prevented me from becoming the man I could have been by now.  As Epictetus says maybe one day in the future things could change and I might have that long awaited breakthrough to greatness. I just don't know but what you said certainly made sense.  

I'm very anxious and I'm panicking because who out there is going to want to be with a guy like me, despite all the other positive things I do have going for me? They seem to be going to waste. Maybe there are women out there who just want to be treated well and are looking for a trust worthy and kind man and aren't too bothered about his income or potential to provide.

However, I keep thinking about how security is important for women despite a society that says otherwise.  Women are still attracted by the ability of a man to provide for them and her children. Women want security right?

 

I am so happy to read your post today, endoftheworld! 

If women only wanted security, most of us would never have had the opportunity to marry. 

     You are not alone in the fear that you cannot provide as you will one day. Many men think they are incomplete because they cannot work in their field.  It's a shame men have beaten themselves up for doing the best they can.  Any woman that would find a guy unappealing because of his work deserves what she gets...an often empty relationship that is centered only on money instead of loving and nurturing one.  At the end of her best thinking lies loneliness.

    At the root of a deep and true relationship, there is an attraction that is far reaching.  It is beyond appearance, finance, and even illness.  That's why at weddings you hear "in sickness and in health."  It might as well say, in "poverty and wealth" because the decision to marry is based on that beauty one finds that surpasses all. 

     I hope you know that you are precious and worthy.  The fact that you want to provide and want to overcome obstacles to do it shows what a caring man you are.  Who wouldn't want to be with someone like that? 

     Believe me, when I say, women need good men and you're one of them!

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

On 06/09/2017 at 5:25 PM, Debbers said:

I am so happy to read your post today, endoftheworld! 

If women only wanted security, most of us would never have had the opportunity to marry. 

     You are not alone in the fear that you cannot provide as you will one day. Many men think they are incomplete because they cannot work in their field.  It's a shame men have beaten themselves up for doing the best they can.  Any woman that would find a guy unappealing because of his work deserves what she gets...an often empty relationship that is centered only on money instead of loving and nurturing one.  At the end of her best thinking lies loneliness.

    At the root of a deep and true relationship, there is an attraction that is far reaching.  It is beyond appearance, finance, and even illness.  That's why at weddings you hear "in sickness and in health."  It might as well say, in "poverty and wealth" because the decision to marry is based on that beauty one finds that surpasses all. 

     I hope you know that you are precious and worthy.  The fact that you want to provide and want to overcome obstacles to do it shows what a caring man you are.  Who wouldn't want to be with someone like that? 

     Believe me, when I say, women need good men and you're one of them!

 

Hi Debbers, 
 
Thanks again for replying and encouragement. How are you? 
I guess I'm at a difficult place. I hear what you're saying and I'm inclined to agree.  Right now, I find myself feeling so stuck as I always have been.
 
Physically I feel fine and I'm grateful that I've been in good physical health. It's more to do with the emotional battle. I have nothing to live for, no purpose, no meaning. Every morning I just wake up and have the same routine of doing some job search and then feeling this intense, heavy feeling overwhelm me to the point.
I think it's just the disappointment and sadness of things not having worked out for me. Does that sound familiar?  Would you say that's a long standing depression, like a dsthymia?  This has been the story of my life. I have always been this way, since like, I was 13/14 perhaps. Just an inability to move forward and feel positive, have goals and direction.  
 
 
 
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A wise old friend told me a long time ago "pick one thing that you're really good at and passionate about ( not two or three) and keep your focus and energy on it, throw everything that you got at it, and you'll be successful." Best career advice I ever received. I just wanted to offer it to you as an option to try. I'm confident that once you get where you want to be at and financially stable, the rest will follow.

I

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