MCMG Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I'll start first: The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidSurvivor2011 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda. - KS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Epictetus Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Edited August 29, 2017 by Epictetus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidSurvivor2011 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 1) Knock, knock. / Who's there? / A broken pencil. / A broken pencil who? / Never mind, it's pointless. 2) My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home. - KS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeDream777 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tungsten Aromatics Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 My CPN took me to have an ECG as I was reporting side effects of my then new meds. we struggled to get into the room at first but managed it. He started hooking me up, he had wires and drawings and it's all cool. We took the first reading and it came out as abnormal. Odd, try again, so we did and it still came out as abnormal. I just turned to him and said, Ooo flat lined. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StoniumFrog Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Two ducks flying over Northern Ireland First duck goes "Quack" The other duck replies "I'm going as quack as I can!" ....Ba bomm kish! Thank You - I'm here all week! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeDream777 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 1 minute ago, StoniumFrog said: Two ducks flying over Northern Ireland First duck goes "Quack" The other duck replies "I'm going as quack as I can!" ....Ba bomm kish! Thank You - I'm here all week! hehehe. Ducks can never quack fast enough. Quack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downNotOut Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Guy takes his dog to a vet. After examining the animal the vet says, "Sir, I'm very sorry, but your dog is dead." Guy says, "Are you absolutely sure? Aren't there any more tests you can run?" Vet says, "Yes, I have a dog who is good at diagnosis. I'll bring him in. If he barks twice, that means your dog is dead." Vet brings in his dog, a beautiful black lab. The lab barks twice. The vet says, "I'm afraid that confirms it." Guy says, "Are you sure there aren't any more tests you can run?" Vet says, "There's one last test, but this is the final one. I also have a cat who is good at this sort of thing. If he meows twice, it will mean your dog is definitely dead, and there are no more tests to run." Vet brings in the cat. Cat meows twice. Guy finally sighs, accepts the inevitable, and says, "Thanks anyway. How much do I owe you?" Vet says, "Three thousand dollars." Guy says, "What !!? Why so much?" Vet says, "It would have been just thirty, but it gets expensive with the cat scan and the lab work." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristlecone Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 a woman at the beach panics because her bikini top has fallen off(maybe the strap broke-I forgot to ask) in a rush she crosses her arms over her chest and runs toward the water. a young boy cries out:" hey lady if you are gonna drown those puppies I want the one with the pink nose!" I hope that is pg13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downNotOut Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 There was this talking dog who was hugely successful as an entertainer. He was on television and performed at nightclubs, and made a lot of money. But then he got sick and had to have an operation. The operation was a success and the dog recovered completely, but he was no longer in demand as an entertainer, and he couldn't make any more money. All he could talk about was his operation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChilledXbox Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 LOL...Great job guys! At least not serious thread. I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MCMG Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 17 hours ago, bristlecone said: a woman at the beach panics because her bikini top has fallen off(maybe the strap broke-I forgot to ask) in a rush she crosses her arms over her chest and runs toward the water. a young boy cries out:" hey lady if you are gonna drown those puppies I want the one with the pink nose!" I hope that is pg13 Dude... 23 hours ago, Epictetus said: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Classic :) What type of electronic device sings 'hello'? A Dell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marius_trist Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Mom to dad: "we're so tight on money right now... I don't know how we're gonna get through" Little jimmy comes in and looks at the calendar: "Hey! where did my birthday go?". Dad (changes the page from august to november): "Wow! A moving birthday!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azzurra18 Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Great thread. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristlecone Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 there was an old fellow named Green, who grew so abnormally lean, and flat, and compressed, that his back touched his chest, and sideways he couldn't be seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marius_trist Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) 20 hours ago, downNotOut said: Guy takes his dog to a vet. After examining the animal the vet says, "Sir, I'm very sorry, but your dog is dead." Guy says, "Are you absolutely sure? Aren't there any more tests you can run?" Vet says, "Yes, I have a dog who is good at diagnosis. I'll bring him in. If he barks twice, that means your dog is dead." Vet brings in his dog, a beautiful black lab. The lab barks twice. The vet says, "I'm afraid that confirms it." Guy says, "Are you sure there aren't any more tests you can run?" Vet says, "There's one last test, but this is the final one. I also have a cat who is good at this sort of thing. If he meows twice, it will mean your dog is definitely dead, and there are no more tests to run." Vet brings in the cat. Cat meows twice. Guy finally sighs, accepts the inevitable, and says, "Thanks anyway. How much do I owe you?" Vet says, "Three thousand dollars." Guy says, "What !!? Why so much?" Vet says, "It would have been just thirty, but it gets expensive with the cat scan and the lab work." nice ... the ones with animals i like the most The farmer whips his horse on the carriage to go faster. The horse suddenly stops, turns to the farmer and says: "Hold on! I do all the hard work for you all of the time and you just keep on whipping me. I've had enough of this!" The farmer panics, jumps off, runs away and hides by some bushes, while his dog follows him. He carefully looks back for the horse and says to himself: "darn, I go scared to death when that horse started talking!" ... "yeah, me too!" says the dog... Edited August 30, 2017 by marius_trist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MCMG Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking this decision pretty hard though. (Another one because it's the weekend where I am living) I got a vasectomy to prevent kids; I was disappointed to see they were still there when I got home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zagor Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 (edited) A man comes home from a business trip and asks his dog did his wife talked to other men? Bark once is answer is no and bark twice if it is yes. Man: Did any man come over? Dog: Woof, Woof Man: Did my wife kiss him? Dog: Woof, Woof Man: Well did you see them do anything? Dog: Woof, Woof Man: (all angry) Well what else did you see, what did they do??? Dog: Ahooooooooooooooo!!!!! Edited August 31, 2017 by Zagor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StoniumFrog Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 What do Cavan people do when it gets cold? They sit around a candle What do they do when it gets really cold? They light the candle :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristlecone Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 (edited) what do they do when it is still cold after they light the candle? they light the other end too! hence we have burning the candle at both ends.....:--) and after that...hot chocolate.... after that the -cashmere blanket.... after that.....AHOOOOOOOO! ........HoootHoooot! an owl echos in the distance... Edited August 31, 2017 by bristlecone additional thoughts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristlecone Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I enjoyed the names of the four owls it made me smile thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now