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MCMG

Lets share jokes?

23 posts in this topic

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I'll start first:

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

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1) Knock, knock. / Who's there? / A broken pencil. / A broken pencil who? / Never mind, it's pointless.

2) My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

 

- KS

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My CPN took me to have an ECG as I was reporting side effects of my then new meds. we struggled to get into the room at first but managed it. He started hooking me up, he had wires and drawings and it's all cool. We took the first reading and it came out as abnormal. Odd, try again, so we did and it still came out as abnormal. I just turned to him and said, Ooo flat lined. :P

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Two ducks flying over Northern Ireland 

First duck goes "Quack"

The other duck replies "I'm going as quack as I can!" :roll2:

 

....Ba bomm kish!

Thank You - I'm here all week! 

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1 minute ago, StoniumFrog said:

Two ducks flying over Northern Ireland 

First duck goes "Quack"

The other duck replies "I'm going as quack as I can!" :roll2:

 

....Ba bomm kish!

Thank You - I'm here all week! 

hehehe. Ducks can never quack fast enough. Quack.

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Guy takes his dog to a vet. After examining the animal the vet says, "Sir, I'm very sorry, but your dog is dead." Guy says, "Are you absolutely sure? Aren't there any more tests you can run?" Vet says, "Yes, I have a dog who is good at diagnosis. I'll bring him in. If he barks twice, that means your dog is dead." Vet brings in his dog, a beautiful black lab. The lab barks twice. The vet says, "I'm afraid that confirms it." Guy says, "Are you sure there aren't any more tests you can run?" Vet says, "There's one last test, but this is the final one. I also have a cat who is good at this sort of thing. If he meows twice, it will mean your dog is definitely dead, and there are no more tests to run." Vet brings in the cat. Cat meows twice. Guy finally sighs, accepts the inevitable, and says, "Thanks anyway. How much do I owe you?" Vet says, "Three thousand dollars." Guy says, "What !!? Why so much?" Vet says, "It would have been just thirty, but it gets expensive with the cat scan and the lab work."

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a woman at the beach panics because her bikini top has fallen off(maybe the strap broke-I forgot to ask)

in a rush she crosses her arms over her chest and runs toward the water.

a young boy cries out:" hey lady if you are gonna drown those puppies I want the one with the pink nose!"

I hope that is pg13

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There was this talking dog who was hugely successful as an entertainer. He was on television and performed at nightclubs, and made a lot of money. But then he got sick and had to have an operation. The operation was a success and the dog recovered completely, but he was no longer in demand as an entertainer, and he couldn't make any more money. All he could talk about was his operation.

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17 hours ago, bristlecone said:

a woman at the beach panics because her bikini top has fallen off(maybe the strap broke-I forgot to ask)

in a rush she crosses her arms over her chest and runs toward the water.

a young boy cries out:" hey lady if you are gonna drown those puppies I want the one with the pink nose!"

I hope that is pg13

Dude...

 

23 hours ago, Epictetus said:

Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get to the other side. 

Classic :)

 

What type of electronic device sings 'hello'? A Dell.

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Mom to dad: "we're so tight on money right now... I don't know how we're gonna get through" Little jimmy comes in and looks at the calendar: "Hey! where did my birthday go?". Dad (changes the page from august to november): "Wow! A moving birthday!!"

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there was an old fellow named Green,

who grew so abnormally lean,

and flat, and compressed,

that his back touched his chest,

and sideways he couldn't be seen.

 

 

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20 hours ago, downNotOut said:

Guy takes his dog to a vet. After examining the animal the vet says, "Sir, I'm very sorry, but your dog is dead." Guy says, "Are you absolutely sure? Aren't there any more tests you can run?" Vet says, "Yes, I have a dog who is good at diagnosis. I'll bring him in. If he barks twice, that means your dog is dead." Vet brings in his dog, a beautiful black lab. The lab barks twice. The vet says, "I'm afraid that confirms it." Guy says, "Are you sure there aren't any more tests you can run?" Vet says, "There's one last test, but this is the final one. I also have a cat who is good at this sort of thing. If he meows twice, it will mean your dog is definitely dead, and there are no more tests to run." Vet brings in the cat. Cat meows twice. Guy finally sighs, accepts the inevitable, and says, "Thanks anyway. How much do I owe you?" Vet says, "Three thousand dollars." Guy says, "What !!? Why so much?" Vet says, "It would have been just thirty, but it gets expensive with the cat scan and the lab work."

nice ... the ones with animals i like the most

The farmer whips his horse on the carriage to go faster. The horse suddenly stops, turns to the farmer and says: "Hold on! I do all the hard work for you all of the time and you just keep on whipping me. I've had enough of this!" The farmer panics, jumps off, runs away and hides by some bushes, while his dog follows him. He carefully looks back for the horse and says to himself: "darn, I go scared to death when that horse started talking!" ... "yeah, me too!" says the dog...

 

Edited by marius_trist

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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking this decision pretty hard though.

(Another one because it's the weekend where I am living) I got a vasectomy to prevent kids; I was disappointed to see they were still there when I got home.

 

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A man comes home from a business trip and asks his dog did his wife talked to other men? Bark once is answer is no and bark twice if it is yes.

Man: Did any man come over?

Dog: Woof, Woof

Man: Did my wife kiss him?

Dog: Woof, Woof

Man: Well did you see them do anything?

Dog: Woof, Woof

Man: (all angry) Well what else did you see, what did they do???

Dog: Ahooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Edited by Zagor

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what do they do when it is still cold after they light the candle?

they light the other end too!

hence we have burning the candle at both ends.....:--)

 

 

and after that...hot chocolate....

after that the -cashmere blanket....

 

 after that.....AHOOOOOOOO!

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                              ........HoootHoooot! an owl echos in the distance...

Edited by bristlecone
additional thoughts

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