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It's been bad before, but now...

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I'm up late again.  This time, well everytime I don't need this.  But instead of talking about my woes and miseries I want to say thank you to this forum, the brave women who wrote and posted about their intense unyeilding (obsession) crush on a celebrity.  I had that once some years ago, it's was so strong I put myself back into therapy.  I didn't exactly tell my therapist, who would have understood--but like you all, me, i just felt so incredibly embarrassing to speak about it, ya know?  Being a grown up, I mean, who in their right mind has a crush and can't stop thinking about someone who they will never meet.  That was my reason for never talking aloud about it.  But I found a way to shake that crush, and boy was it intense!!  I remember like it was yesterday, I googled him to no end, printed out every picture of him, if I thought he had another I would moan and groan.  Then google her!  Thank goodness I'm not the type to reach out and do the contact'im.  No way.  Anyway in my mind I'm this horrific uggo blob of a person and he'd run screaming to the hills.  At least I'm not that delusional, so I thought, I am talking out loud like I'm some star being interviewed--this is so insane, but at least I know that, does that help??  UGH.  I replaced that crush with another which I found was as satisfying but not as intense--I also did a huge book I needed to write to make him fall in love with someone I was sure he couldn't resist (is this fanfiction?), and wow that kind of brought the crush to a fruition and I could let it go--and I had a replacement crush, I was writing, wow, the crush just left me.  But TODAY good grief this crush is something that keeps me from sleeping, I'm not hungry, and unfortunately instagram and tumblr and celebs needing to document their every move just drives me crazy.  I'll fav a page, delete it, find another better than the last.  I'm trying so hard to find a replacement, another to crush on so I can get some sort of normalcy back in my life.  And I do have a life to get to.  I have some understanding of my behavior, being in therapy for almost 20 years, I suffer from depression (severe neglect/trauma within fam) and I believe, this crush is driving me because I need to feel like I could be beautiful too (don't we all want to be BELOVED!!?), I could be a star too, he'd run into me at a gala and fall madly in love.  Wow, I hate feeling an *****.  So, I googled how to get rid of an obsession, kept reading on and found YOUR page, you all writing about your crushes and I felt like WOW it's not crazy (well, ya know, we're not nuts, and we're not alone).  I'd hate to go back to therapy, because so many people are counting on me getting my act together and being here for them and therapy is so exhausting and time consuming and never nearby.  Costly, and I'm unemployed on disability.  It's after 3:00 am.  I didn't eat dinner.  I got off Xanax last year and now I'm barely sleeping but thinking about "him/crush" makes me happy and makes me morbidly unhappy.  A reminder, dummy, you're here again.  I need to deal with reality but it's so painfully boring and unsatisfying and, well, I want to say hello to everyone on this website here.  I joined today.  Thank you all for being open, honest, having this website and I doubt I'll make friends (I'll leave u before you leave me! :/ ),  but I'll believe you'll be nice to me.  YOu'll understand.  Thank you for that.  No I'm not going to bed, that's not till 7 am and then I'm up after two hours of sleep.  And to make this more horrible, this actor just got started and that means he's EVERYWHERE.  Ugh!  Least  on sundays Game of thrones is on and keeps my mind off him for an hour.  But that series is about to end soon.  AM I posting this in the wrong spot?  I'm so sorry. :/

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