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Depressed for so long


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I've been depressed for a while and just had an epiphany in the last year, that it is not everyone else who is weird and in denial, I am... I used to believe everyone was fake, surface, and lacking depth. I've been depressed since I was about 11 years old and I am 23 now. I have been through many bouts of severe depression throughout the course of my forever-there-always depression. I've been depressed for so long I'm not sure which part is me and which part is my depression. I lay in bed every night and start to get tics and twitch from my intrusive thoughts of my self-isolation I have done for the past 7 years. I feel disconnected in today's youth. I don't feel well when I'm with my very few friends after maybe an hour or 2 of being with them. They don't do anything wrong, i just never feel comfortable with myself enough i guess. I'm going to therapy and my mom takes care of me well, especially since I moved back in from a 5 year relationship i was in. I left who i was with because I believed the relationship was a manifestation of my depression and wasnt love. I'm writing jumbled and skipping topics but this is my 5th attempt at writing as i have a hard time concentrating on any small task. I don't have a job and I quit my last 2 jobs I had within the 1st week. I was overwhelmed and hurting too much I believe. Any conjured thought or belief I have i second-guess it and i feel embarrassed for no reason in my own mind. I used to work hard and make friends easily but even then I was still hurting. I want this to end. I have a genetic disposition for anxiety and depression on both sides of my family and I also have my moms hardheaded stubborn mindset. Which I believe has kept me in this hole for longer than it should have. I just need help. I used to be so intelligent and writing was a strong point of mine (as it isn't now at all in case you haven't noticed) and I used to be able to make anyone and everyone laugh. Now I just jumble things and twitch in bed and second guess myself in every social setting. I need help.

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I feel for you.  I have many of the same symptoms and feelings.  I don't have any word of wisdom to offer, sorry.  My own writing skills seem to have also deteriorated.  Please just know you are not alone, there are so many very people suffering from this awful condition.  And through the internet I am conscious of you and your suffering and I wish you compassion and virtual hugs.  Please remember  no matter how it feels that you are a worthwhile and valuable person, and I hope you can find a way to at least reduce the suffering a little.

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