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Displaced Soul

Struggling and wondering why...

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Hi, this is my first post. I am glad to have found this forum. 

My depression started after my husband and I moved to another state. It seemed like a good idea, nice area with much lower cost of living. 

The first year was ok. It was a new house, new city to explore. The second year, something didn't feel right.  I brushed it off as a phase and tried to ignore it. 

Third year, I was downright miserable but tried to hide it from my husband because I knew there wasn't really much we could do about it.  Only my best friend knew  

Until, at one point, my best friend (who lives in a completely different state) and I started talking about how much better life would be for us if we lived closer. I knew how much it would help me so I finally admitted to my husband that I was very unhappy, had been for a long time, and really needed to be somewhere that I knew people and could have some sort of social life. 

He seemed understanding at first. But then it became a game of getting my hopes up only to back out. I'd beg him, I was willing to do just about anything. Then he'd seem open to it again and shut it down again. It really has ruined my marriage. I am still married but honestly he is more of a roommate than a husband. 

My depression has gotten progressively worse since then.  The only things that give me any sort of pleasure anymore are a) having something to look forward to, and b) being able to make someone else's day. 

I can't let myself look forward to anything anymore though.  If I plan on something that will make me happy, I worry that I will be let down instead of looking forward to it.  I'm afraid to look forward to anything  

I try to do things to make my best friend's day, but I end up feeling like I'm being allowed to do these nice things because I'm needy and she doesn't want to take away my happiness.  I know it seems irrational (I'm sure she isn't actually thinking that) but that doesn't make it stop. 

I feel like nobody who knows about my depression understands it at all.  They don't ask me questions to try to understand.  I feel more like they are sighing and just wishing I would drop whatever it is that's upsetting me. 

I told my best friend a long time ago that just sending a nice card would make me feel so good.  After awhile I hadn't gotten one so I asked her to send me one, and she said she would.  I had my hopes up, I checked the mail every day hoping it would be there. After awhile, I mentioned it again and she said she hadn't sent it yet but she would soon. 

It's happened a few times now - in fact there hasn't been a time yet that I didn't have to ask and keep reminding her and tell her it was upsetting me.  Well, except at Christmas time - those do come on time but I end up thinking that is only because she is sending out a bunch of them and would never send theirs late - so mine gets sent on time only because it's with the others. 

Again, I know it's irrational but I can't help it. I just wish I could somehow convey that when I try to look forward to something and am let down, these are the thoughts that go through my head when I should be sleeping.  It would have taken 5 minutes to have avoided much of it  

I have nobody who understands.  The two people who know about this are truly good people. They just don't understand how much little things can help or hurt.  They don't ask me what they can do to help. They don't tell me that they love me and don't want me to be feeling this way.  They change the subject, tell me to let it go, or sometimes even yell at me. 

I lay in bed and wonder if people think this pain is not real because it's not physical.  I wonder, if I had fractured my spine and was bedridden, and someone could make me walk again by doing something that takes five minutes, would it matter more then?

its not just about a card  it's the little things that say "I love you" , "I need you", "If it's important to you then it's important to me"   They're the boosts I need so I can eventually reach the top of the fence and climb over to the greener side   These boosts are just so hard to get, I have to ask for them  

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?  I actually hope not, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but if anyone IS going through this, it would help me to know someone understands  

 

Edited by Displaced Soul

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Is there any way to delete this thread?

i am not 100% comfortable having all this in a public forum with no replies.  I went into enough detail that I could be recognizable if the people I was referring to happened to look here.  

I feel like it would validate their Feelings about my depression, if that makes any sense. 

If someone could let me know how to remove it, I would greatly appreciate it. :)

Edited by Displaced Soul

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Hi Displaced Soul.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, low self esteem and depression are a never ending internal battle. I can sort of relate. I grew up with family that didn't treat me very well, they pretty much led me to believe l'm worthless, which led to bad choices in men. In a way l actually prefer it when someone doesn't say or do something nice. It usually turns out to be false flattery, which just hurts and cuts so much deeper. I find l'm usually happiest on my own, it just isn't worth the misery letting most people in.

Have you tried cbt, that may help you. 

As for your original post you could try pm'ing a moderator.

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43 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

You can contact a mod and ask them to delete it. I wouldn't worry about anyone recognizing you though, not unless you're using the same screen name on other platforms anyway. 

Thank you.  No, I've never used this screen name. I waa just thinking they might wonder if I was posting anyplace and start looking. It kind of seems like something that would happen to me lol

i may contact a mod, gonna think on it when I am in a better state of mind. 

Thank you for letting me know how to do it. 

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45 minutes ago, Ba3inga said:

Hi Displaced Soul.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, low self esteem and depression are a never ending internal battle. I can sort of relate. I grew up with family that didn't treat me very well, they pretty much led me to believe l'm worthless, which led to bad choices in men. In a way l actually prefer it when someone doesn't say or do something nice. It usually turns out to be false flattery, which just hurts and cuts so much deeper. I find l'm usually happiest on my own, it just isn't worth the misery letting most people in.

Have you tried cbt, that may help you. 

As for your original post you could try pm'ing a moderator.

Thank you so much. What is cbt?

And yes, I know what you mean about the false flattery feeling.  But I think for me it is still better than nothing. Maybe that's not good, but right now it's about the only thing that actually gives me a break from feeling this way. 

Its especially hard because I have known these people long before I was depressed, and I feel like I am treated so much differently now, like I'm some sort of drama queen who just wants attention.  They knew me before all this, I would hope they know that is not who I am. 

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3 minutes ago, Displaced Soul said:

Thank you so much. What is cbt?

And yes, I know what you mean about the false flattery feeling.  But I think for me it is still better than nothing. Maybe that's not good, but right now it's about the only thing that actually gives me a break from feeling this way. 

Its especially hard because I have known these people long before I was depressed, and I feel like I am treated so much differently now, like I'm some sort of drama queen who just wants attention.  They knew me before all this, I would hope they know that is not who I am. 

Pleasure. CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy, it is basically retraining the brain to think and behave differently. You can find a therapist, if that isn't an option there are many g ood books available. Or you could try EFT, there are tons of free info and beginners scripts to get you started. It's finding the right fit. CBT is great if you're pessimistic, l found EFT really helpful as l have a lot of suppressed feelings/memories. 

People don't tend to understand depression, anxiety etc unless they have experienced it themselves. It is akin to asking them what chilli taste like when they have never eaten it. 

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