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I stay for the money

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This is going to sound horrible, but after the latest freak out my boyfriend had with me, I realized this man is crazy and I am very well staying because he has decent amount and living with him is easier than having three retail jobs living on my parents couch at 28. I made a lot of bad choices when I was younger. Mostly being lazy, a bad student and allowing my depression and issues to impede my development as an adult. I graduated late, but still haven't found a job in my field despite being out of college 2 years. I finally got one part-time job that was remotely related, and at the hopes of going into a field through training,and after the long depressing rejections I took it. I hated the job,but stuck with it in hopes I could move up and be full time. One night I had a massive panic attack, couldn't sleep and was still anxious that morning so I called out as a personal emergency. Got called later on and fired on the spot. No warning, I had never gotten in trouble or missed before, and was still in training. This caused me to fall deeper into a depression. I was suffering from SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) as well, and so decided I was done. I would have to move for my sanity. Since I was unable to get a job in that area, there was nothing for me.

This entire time I was living with and financially depending on my boyfriend. He went to a good college, landed a nice job that pays him over 140 grand a year, and has job security in his own field. To be fair I never knew about this til mid relationship,.and never really care about money with guys. We got into this role where I cooked and cleaned and he paid rent and food. When I got a job to save up to move I would buy food and such as well. But I still can't compete as I've never even $5000 to my name. I also can't drive thanks to extreme driving anxiety. My boyfriend has always been moody. I've made posts about it in the past,but I'll just summarize a couple incidents. Once I was with a friend at dinner, and my boyfriend flipped out on me and left me 20 messages and I forgot how many missed calls. There were 4 silent voicemails. It was about me accidentally ruining a pan of his. He had slammed a knife on the cutting board leaving marks because of this too. I was frightened by this. Another time on my birthday, he was moody, left and when I messaged him thanking him for coming to the bar even though he hates bars, and he told me to "**** off". Later found out his reaction was because he was hurt over a misunderstanding. Another time he intentionally drove fast and crazy when he thought I was laughing at him to try to scare me (remember I've driving anxiety).

Well, the latest time I was at my parents and he brought up that his mom asked if I was working again. I hate talking about that, and it's a sore topic of embarrassment. I told him I couldn't talk, sent a pic that we were having dinner and put my phone to charge. After dinner, I went out to help them set up for a yard sale. When I came back a couple hours later I have 40 missed calls hardly a minute apart form each other and 60 angry messages saying how I don't care about his pain, that he was done being used and done doing things for me. When I went to go back home, he never offered to give me a ride from the ferry, even though I had the cat. So I ended up taking an uber, and for some reason this kind of made me snap inside as I felt having your girlfriend come alone in the night in the city with drunk people walking around wasn't exactly gentlemanly.  He didn't say much when I got back and when I confronted him the next day he wasn't phased by having called 40 times in a row. Then he also said he "didn't give a about me yesterday". That pretty much did it for me. I think I'm literally now just here for the money. For the survival until I can get on my own feet and get away. I'm tired of these games, of always being told how bad I am, not being acknowledged and of having to explain things to friends who give me that worried look. I'm mostly tired of him not taking me seriously and him not having any remorse. I can't go back to my parents, they've no room, and the town they live in has no jobs. Worst part- is I'm moving to another state with this guy! I need to get away before winter because I will go crazy again, but now it'll be worse without friends and family. I'm trapped. It's my own fault for not getting a job, any job, even retail, after graduating to save up money. And because of that, and because I got myself in this situation, I am going to suffer. But I can tell you my heart isn't into it.

Do I love him? I don't know... I did. But now, it's like....how do I love someone who doesn't seem to like me? And I can't break up with him after everything he has done for me unless I want to be seen as some evil witch. I can tell you I have zero desire to have sex with him now. And it's got nothing to do with looks! I can't connect to this individual who is living in his own world. I admit it, some days, like today, I do nothing. I literally didn't leave the couch today. I'm flawed. deeply. But he won't break up with him. My friend, who became snobby and no longer wants to associate with him disliked him and said it wasn't healthy and that he was "enabling me". I didn't listen to her because before he would do much more for me and she.. I can't rely on her in an emergency even. But I;m not gonna lie the less and less he does for me out of his own twisted "I'm not gonna be used" mindset, the more he gets used because my heart isn't in it anymore. I only stay now for my own comfort because he won't acknowledge his own faults at all. even when he's acting crazy

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That's a tough situation you're in. You don't sound horrible or like a witch. Frankly it sounds like being in this relationship is only exacerbating your own personal struggles. It sounds like your boyfriend has some issues for sure, but the biggest red flag I see is his inability to admit he has a problem and address it. Unfortunately some people never improve themselves simply out of an unwillingness to change and swallow their pride and admit to their faults.

I know it's easier said than done, but I would look for any and every possible option you may have for an escape plan. Do you have any close friends in the area who would be willing to let you stay with them until you can get yourself back on your feet financially? 


Wishing you the best

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Unfortunately I don't. The only friends who would take me in either live with their boyfriend or with family.

I did talk to him last night... he somehow turned the tables on me again talking about what I need to change,but finally admitted that he had an anger problem. But still blames me in the end...He did say he won't go crazy again,but time will tell. 

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