Jump to content

How is it even possible to not be bitter or insecure in my position?


Recommended Posts

So I keep just getting these insecure thoughts & stuff about this. I also worry about my mental health since I sometimes just feel awful at times where I just crash down. I have to force myself to do this though since I really like this girl & I know she's really into me since she even remembers things & little details I've told her about hours before & than brings them up. I guess I just want things to go well where we have a great time together in person. I also worry that what if my mental health gets worse or something. If it does turn out well when am I even supposed to bring up about my health issues? It's also strange since as it turns out we kind of know of some of the same people. Her best friend was in my grade in High School but we never interacted but I sort of know her brother where we played Basketball together on the same team way back in the day. I showed her a picture of us on the team which she thought was cute lol. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 378
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I'm new to online dating and I have the same worries. I fear that once I meet someone, they will judge me when I open up to them. But it is exactly what you said. It is uncomfortable, but you have to try. I remember thinking to myself that I feel lonely, but I was scared to meet people. If I kept dwelling on being lonely and not acting on it, the cycle will repeat and I will be in a whirlpool of sorrow. 

Believe me, you sound like you've made progress. Keep going. You are not the only one going through this! I met a really nice guy. We went on a few dates and I'm seeing where things go. But I had tons of instances where I was rejected. I was even stood up, which was humiliating. But you have to try. One day you will thank yourself. I have hope for you. And if they reject you, it's their loss. If she can't accept you, she simply isn't the one for you. 

Try to have more confidence in yourself! And I wouldn't judge anything by the fact that you never dated anyone before. I started dating at 25 because I was studying like crazy in Uni -- no one cared when I told them. 

Edited by weareinfinite
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, weareinfinite said:

I'm new to online dating and I have the same worries. I fear that once I meet someone, they will judge me when I open up to them. But it is exactly what you said. It is uncomfortable, but you have to try. I remember thinking to myself that I feel lonely, but I was scared to meet people. If I kept dwelling on being lonely and not acting on it, the cycle will repeat and I will be in a whirlpool of sorrow. 

Believe me, you sound like you've made progress. Keep going. You are not the only one going through this! I met a really nice guy. We went on a few dates and I'm seeing where things go. But I had tons of instances where I was rejected. I was even stood up, which was humiliating. But you have to try. One day you will thank yourself. I have hope for you. And if they reject you, it's their loss. If she can't accept you, she simply isn't the one for you. 

Try to have more confidence in yourself! And I wouldn't judge anything by the fact that you never dated anyone before. I started dating at 25 because I was studying like crazy in Uni -- no one cared when I told them. 

Yeah, I just wouldn't know how to even bring up that stuff. We're supposed to meet possibly Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Our conversations have been really good, obviously physically attracted to each other & we seem to have a lot of the same interests. It's just sometimes when I go on my online dating profile when I get a message from someone or a pop up on my phone showing who liked me I notice she's usually always signed in to her profile when I go on there. I'm not talking to anyone else though, but I fear she may be talking to others possibly. I just don't want to feel like I'm competing with other guys at the same time. I also just fear my mental health will get worse though than I won't even be able to date at all. At this point I'm literally forcing myself to do it, but if I'm worse I wouldn't even be able to force myself. And I also realize a lot of women don't care about guys being older virgins at this point. A lot definitely do of course but a lot don't. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My two cents, insecurity in a man is not a turnoff.   And it is very hard out there, not just for you but for women too.  As you can see how people are posting to you.  And women I know aren't looking for the perfect package, most just want a nice stable guy--and unfortunately those aren't the ones you've met.  But they are out there.  I hope when you meet her, that you are ready to then deal with being in a relationship because that's hard work in and of itself.  I hope you'll spend valuable time getting comfortable with yourself.  Whenever people ask me where to meet nice people I say church, libraries, work, gyms, through friends and family.  I wish you the best. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, HeatherG said:

My two cents, insecurity in a man is not a turnoff.   And it is very hard out there, not just for you but for women too.  As you can see how people are posting to you.  And women I know aren't looking for the perfect package, most just want a nice stable guy--and unfortunately those aren't the ones you've met.  But they are out there.  I hope when you meet her, that you are ready to then deal with being in a relationship because that's hard work in and of itself.  I hope you'll spend valuable time getting comfortable with yourself.  Whenever people ask me where to meet nice people I say church, libraries, work, gyms, through friends and family.  I wish you the best. :)

Thanks. I know, my whole problem is my mental illness issues. I feel conflicted due to it. There's this girl I'm talking to a lot everyday for over a week now. We were supposed to meet today but I had to work tonight. Plans are for us to meet likely maybe on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I really like her & from everything so far she's been really nice where she hasn't judged me on some things like my current job. I can tell she's really into me due to how much she texts me & the things she does & tells me about, but I feel my issues are going to screw it all up. I just don't want it to get in the way but I feel I can't even control it. If my mind is going to feel ill it's going to feel ill no matter what I do. It would destroy me knowing that my mental health issues would ruin a possible good thing. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, GAJ123 said:

Thanks. I know, my whole problem is my mental illness issues. I feel conflicted due to it. There's this girl I'm talking to a lot everyday for over a week now. We were supposed to meet today but I had to work tonight. Plans are for us to meet likely maybe on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I really like her & from everything so far she's been really nice where she hasn't judged me on some things like my current job. I can tell she's really into me due to how much she texts me & the things she does & tells me about, but I feel my issues are going to screw it all up. I just don't want it to get in the way but I feel I can't even control it. If my mind is going to feel ill it's going to feel ill no matter what I do. It would destroy me knowing that my mental health issues would ruin a possible good thing. 

Try not to stress too much until you actually meet her. You seem to be putting all your eggs into one basket hoping that your first date is "the one" which is certainly possible but rather unlikely. Most people I knew who online dated would talk to several people and then after a few dates try to figure out which one is right, this seems like a good strategy that can prevent you from falling into a deep hole if one of them doesn't work out. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Try not to stress too much until you actually meet her. You seem to be putting all your eggs into one basket hoping that your first date is "the one" which is certainly possible but rather unlikely. Most people I knew who online dated would talk to several people and then after a few dates try to figure out which one is right, this seems like a good strategy that can prevent you from falling into a deep hole if one of them doesn't work out. 

Honestly I think that's what she's doing. Any time I sign onto my profile she's usually online on the dating site. I don't message anyone when I sign in though. Sometimes I would just check to see who liked me or if I get a message but I don't respond. She invests a lot of time talking to me everyday though but it's still concerning to me that I might still be competing with other men at the same time. It makes me wonder if there's just something about me that she still wishes I had that another guy might or something. I'm not sure if it's a case of me liking her a lot more than she does me or what. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, GAJ123 said:

Honestly I think that's what she's doing. Any time I sign onto my profile she's usually online on the dating site. I don't message anyone when I sign in though. Sometimes I would just check to see who liked me or if I get a message but I don't respond. She invests a lot of time talking to me everyday though but it's still concerning to me that I might still be competing with other men at the same time. It makes me wonder if there's just something about me that she still wishes I had that another guy might or something. I'm not sure if it's a case of me liking her a lot more than she does me or what. 

Even if she's talking to other men that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that she's hoping to find someone "better," it just means that she's realistic about the possibility that things won't work out with you and is hedging her bets in order not to have to start all over if the date doesn't go well. For all she knows you may be the one who loses interest after the first date. You're operating under the assumption that she's the perfect woman for you and that it'll be love at first sight, that's a hell of a lot of pressure! BTW, she may be just as insecure as you are thinking that you won't like her if you find out certain things about her, ever think of that?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, GAJ123 said:

Thanks. I know, my whole problem is my mental illness issues. I feel conflicted due to it. There's this girl I'm talking to a lot everyday for over a week now. We were supposed to meet today but I had to work tonight. Plans are for us to meet likely maybe on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I really like her & from everything so far she's been really nice where she hasn't judged me on some things like my current job. I can tell she's really into me due to how much she texts me & the things she does & tells me about, but I feel my issues are going to screw it all up. I just don't want it to get in the way but I feel I can't even control it. If my mind is going to feel ill it's going to feel ill no matter what I do. It would destroy me knowing that my mental health issues would ruin a possible good thing. 

I think everyone's probably saying don't put all your eggs in one basket, right?  I have a tendency to do this.  And I'll mess it up all the time.  Mental health can be a nightmare on relationships.  Your age, you're so young, please if there's one thing I wish someone, anyone, would have taught me is for me to be kind to myself.  You're hard on you.  I'm scheduling to see a therapist again, because right now is really hard.  You're going through a lot here, so take it easy on yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Even if she's talking to other men that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that she's hoping to find someone "better," it just means that she's realistic about the possibility that things won't work out with you and is hedging her bets in order not to have to start all over if the date doesn't go well. For all she knows you may be the one who loses interest after the first date. You're operating under the assumption that she's the perfect woman for you and that it'll be love at first sight, that's a hell of a lot of pressure! BTW, she may be just as insecure as you are thinking that you won't like her if you find out certain things about her, ever think of that?

True, it's probably insecurity on my part obviously since she's always constantly messaging me. Like today in the morning she was the first to text me so I know she's thinking about me. She even apologizes a lot of the time if she can't message me back for awhile due to being busy or whatever. The issue is even though we get along real well online doesn't mean that we'll click in person. I still think she might view me as an extroverted type of personality that's talkative a lot but I'm the opposite. I know for sure she's an extrovert & also likes to be out all the time. So I just don't know what she'll think of me being an introvert. I'm just worried that I'm going to be too quiet on our date where I won't know what to say & she'll be turned off. And I think that's possible too about her being insecure since she mentioned the one time about her looks after a long day saying she looks & feels like a train wreck but she sent me a video message a bit before that where I thought she looked really attractive. I thought she looked even more attractive in the video message than from pictures she's sent me so I know I'll for sure find her attractive in person. But she's mentioned something twice or so where I had hints about her being insecure about her looks a bit maybe. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, HeatherG said:

I think everyone's probably saying don't put all your eggs in one basket, right?  I have a tendency to do this.  And I'll mess it up all the time.  Mental health can be a nightmare on relationships.  Your age, you're so young, please if there's one thing I wish someone, anyone, would have taught me is for me to be kind to myself.  You're hard on you.  I'm scheduling to see a therapist again, because right now is really hard.  You're going through a lot here, so take it easy on yourself.

Thanks. Yeah, my mental health makes it difficult. It's like I'm forcing my way through it all to go on a date. I just don't know if I'll get worse though than what do I do if somehow eventually I get into a relationship with someone? I don't want to be at a point where I'm in a relationship but at the same time I can't function. It's like what do I do if she wants to see me & I'm feeling really ill & can barely talk or do much of anything. It would be really bad. I also hope things go well with you with at the therapist. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, GAJ123 said:

So I just don't know what she'll think of me being an introvert. I'm just worried that I'm going to be too quiet on our date where I won't know what to say & she'll be turned off. And I think that's possible too about her being insecure since she mentioned the one time about her looks after a long day saying she looks & feels like a train wreck but she sent me a video message a bit before that where I thought she looked really attractive. I thought she looked even more attractive in the video message than from pictures she's sent me so I know I'll for sure find her attractive in person. But she's mentioned something twice or so where I had hints about her being insecure about her looks a bit maybe. 

Can't speak from a relationship standpoint but most of my friends have been extroverts whereas I am an introvert and it always worked quite well since they like to do the talking anyway, lol. Actually I'd much rather date an extrovert who forces me out of my shell and makes me me enjoy life a bit instead of just sitting on the couch staring at each other both not knowing what to say ;-) 

Exactly! You may think she looks perfect but she'll be obsessing over a tiny pimple or a love handle thinking you'll go running for the hills. Even the most beautiful people sometimes worry about little flaws that others wouldn't even notice. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Can't speak from a relationship standpoint but most of my friends have been extroverts whereas I am an introvert and it always worked quite well since they like to do the talking anyway, lol. Actually I'd much rather date an extrovert who forces me out of my shell and makes me me enjoy life a bit instead of just sitting on the couch staring at each other both not knowing what to say ;-) 

Exactly! You may think she looks perfect but she'll be obsessing over a tiny pimple or a love handle thinking you'll go running for the hills. Even the most beautiful people sometimes worry about little flaws that others wouldn't even notice. 

True, I'm more attracted to the more extroverted personalities too in women. Just something about it is attractive to me, I guess since it's the opposite of me. It would probably be a really boring relationship if it was me with an introverted woman. I'm also seriously feeling pretty depressed the past few days just in general. Like my brain isn't working right. It makes me wonder how I'm supposed to pretty much pretend that I'm feeling well if/when I meet this girl next week. If I'm in a down in the dumps mood while going to see her it'll be a disaster unless I drink alcohol or something before I go. But I'm not drinking & driving lol. I just don't want my mental health to be the reason why I don't meet this girl. If for whatever reason we don't meet I'm seriously going to delete all my dating profiles for good & never go back on them until I'm better health wise whenever that may be. Otherwise there would be no point of trying to force myself to date if I can't function enough. As I've been saying for the past like year on here or so that it's such a doubled edged sword where I want to date but feel I can't. But since I really like this girl & find her really attractive I'm trying to force myself to go through with it. The issue is if we keep seeing each other how am I supposed to tell her of all my issues. What if I'm in a situation where I can't even function enough to talk or do anything & she wants me to come see her? I'm just in such a rough position that it's destroying every part of my life. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, GAJ123 said:

I just don't want my mental health to be the reason why I don't meet this girl.

Dude, no offense, if you don't meet her I'll come looking for you and kick you a$$ :smilingteeth: You've been posting for 4 or so years about not being able to get a date, don't let your doubts stop you now! Even if it doesn't end up working out, at least you will have gained some practice and the fact that she's actually willing to meet you should tell you that you're nowhere near as undesirable as you think. 

1 hour ago, GAJ123 said:

It makes me wonder how I'm supposed to pretty much pretend that I'm feeling well if/when I meet this girl next week. If I'm in a down in the dumps mood while going to see her it'll be a disaster unless I drink alcohol or something before I go. But I'm not drinking & driving lol.

Don't overthink it, simple as that. Try not to have any expectations, neither positive nor negative, just let what happens happen. The more pressure you put on the situation the more likely your mental health will act up that day. Anxiety and depression know all your weak points, don't feed them more. 

1 hour ago, GAJ123 said:

The issue is if we keep seeing each other how am I supposed to tell her of all my issues. What if I'm in a situation where I can't even function enough to talk or do anything & she wants me to come see her? I'm just in such a rough position that it's destroying every part of my life. 

Maybe that's just me but I don't believe in revealing EVERYTHING, some things are best to keep to yourself. You shouldn't lie to a girlfriend but at the same time I don't think that oversharing is particularly helpful unless you've been with the person for many years. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

50 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Dude, no offense, if you don't meet her I'll come looking for you and kick you a$$ :smilingteeth: You've been posting for 4 or so years about not being able to get a date, don't let your doubts stop you now! Even if it doesn't end up working out, at least you will have gained some practice and the fact that she's actually willing to meet you should tell you that you're nowhere near as undesirable as you think. 

Don't overthink it, simple as that. Try not to have any expectations, neither positive nor negative, just let what happens happen. The more pressure you put on the situation the more likely your mental health will act up that day. Anxiety and depression know all your weak points, don't feed them more. 

Maybe that's just me but I don't believe in revealing EVERYTHING, some things are best to keep to yourself. You shouldn't lie to a girlfriend but at the same time I don't think that oversharing is particularly helpful unless you've been with the person for many years. 

Starting to get a sense that she might not want to meet now. I told her I'm working the next 3 days, than off for 3 days than asked if she wants to meet one of those days. Than she asked what days am I off exactly since she sucks at math. I'm just thinking like she might be reluctant to meet anyone from online dating or something or who knows. It's pretty easy to know which days I'm off exactly from what I stated. I'll see what happens at this point. It's like I'm trying to force myself to go on a date for once & it might be them turning out to not want to meet this time which would be really bizarre. 

Edited by GAJ123
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I almost sabotaged myself with her when she said she was busy everyday I mentioned to possibly meet for next week telling her that it's fine if she doesn't want to meet, but just be honest so we don't waste time. She was surprised by my text & mentioned how she has a really busy schedule. She's not upset though & we're still talking & she said she'd like to meet me even if it's just to meet for coffee late at night or something where it doesn't just have to be a full dinner. Also, by chance she mentioned being extroverted & she said she's guessing I'm introverted which she said isn't a bad thing. It seems something would have to go horribly wrong for our date to not go well since it seems nothing about me has bothered her at all yet. Only the mental health stuff she doesn't know about & my driving anxities which I'll have to force myself through with her. 

Edited by GAJ123
Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 minutes ago, GAJ123 said:

She's not upset though & we're still talking & she said she'd like to meet me even if it's just to meet for coffee late at night or something where it doesn't just have to be a full dinner.

Make it happen, no matter how busy your schedule is you can always find the time for a 30 minute coffee date. That's all it's gonna take to get a first impression anyway. If you two keep chatting online it'll just raise expectations on both sides because you're both dealing with a fantasy rather than the real person. Just meet her and then figure things out from there, no need to overthink this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Make it happen, no matter how busy your schedule is you can always find the time for a 30 minute coffee date. That's all it's gonna take to get a first impression anyway. If you two keep chatting online it'll just raise expectations on both sides because you're both dealing with a fantasy rather than the real person. Just meet her and then figure things out from there, no need to overthink this. 

Yeah, we just have to find a day now that would be good for both of us. We were originally supposed to go to a Sushi restaurant, but she said she wants to meet me & it doesn't matter if it's for coffee or something else. She also sent me some lighthearted video she made last night saying how she hopes we can get past this & that we can meet soon. It wasn't serious in tone or anything but more of like a joke type of video. I guess for me to know that she really wants to meet me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So this girl seems to have had an attitude with me for some reason after I told her not to drink too much. Thinking I was being judgy or whatever & that it's holiday weekend so who cares. It's just like what the hell. It kinda annoyed me a bit unless it's out of context due to not being able to tell through text. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Was this a text message or something like that?  Sometimes writing can sound like an "attitude", but if you were with her it wouldn't be a problem.   Even the phone can depersonalize.  I'd forget about it and just try to be very agreeable in the meantime, that's the best approach.    

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Lumen said:

Was this a text message or something like that?  Sometimes writing can sound like an "attitude", but if you were with her it wouldn't be a problem.   Even the phone can depersonalize.  I'd forget about it and just try to be very agreeable in the meantime, that's the best approach.    

Yeah it was a text message here's how the exchange went: 

Me: haha try not to drink too much!

her: hmm are you being judgey, I never drink tooooo much lol

Me: lol no, but you said you'll be introuble due to the shot luge!

her: ugh maybe!! But its the holiday weekend so who cares

haven't heard from her since which is very unlike her. 

Edited by GAJ123
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I decided on your advice actually to just forget about it. She messaged me a little while ago & asked how my day at work was so maybe I had the wrong idea or something. It was quite longer than she ever messaged me back though since we started talking though. I just decided to not even bring it up. I have been feeling pretty depressed & annoyed today so maybe my mind is thinking things that aren't true. 

Edited by GAJ123
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, comments like "Don't drink too much" on Labor Day mean nothing to most people, they'll consider it to be a joke or, more likely, not even think about it.  She obviously seems to like you, so try not to over-analyze things, that type of thinking is the wrong way to approach it.  You're just looking to have some fun, if something comes out of it long-term, fine, if not just enjoy yourself and move on.   

Edited by Lumen
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Lumen said:

Yeah, comments like "Don't drink too much" on Labor Day mean nothing to most people.  Try not to over-analyze things, that type of thinking is the wrong way to approach it.  You're just looking to have some fun, if something comes out of it long-term, fine, if not just enjoy yourself and move on.   

True, well after saying I wasn't going to ask her about it I actually did tonight. It would have been bothering me but anyway she said she wasn't annoyed at all about what I said. Everything is fine now but I feel guilty a bit since I did have some negative feelings a bit earlier when I thought she had an attitude with me but it turned out I just had the tone of the text wrong. Depression & negative feelings in the mind tend to make me think things that aren't true than I feel guilty afterwards like I don't deserve to be with anyone. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Use cognitive methods to get over your insecurities and fears, and retrain your brain.  It works, costs nothing more than the price of a couple of books, some of which are online or available from the library for free.   They have exercises and methods that are guaranteed to change your thinking, but it takes work.  The good news is, it always gets easier after the beginning hurdles are jumped.  

 Text messages, though useful and fun, are not really a very good indicator of mood, compatibility, etc.  There's no body language, no tone of voice, eye contact, etc.   

 

Edited by Lumen
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...