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Letter to my mommie


Cassi

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It’s been 4,056 days since you left us. But, who’s counting?

There isn’t a day that passes that you don’t cross my mind. I love you and miss you so much. I miss your smile that was always on your face, and I miss your contagious laugh. 

I wasnt ready for you to leave, and I know that you weren't either. You were so strong and fighting with your second battle with cancer. 

You were finally around a lot, and so happy to hear the news that you were going to be a grandma before you got sick. I enjoyed that you called me everyday when you found out that I was preganant and I loved the way your face lit up when you first held Jayden.  We talked more than ever and I treasured you being in my life so much that last year, it made me feel like I was finally doing something right, and that you approved of me. 

When you passed one thing that crossed my mind was who am I supposed to call for advice, or who am I supposed to contact in the middle of the night when Jayden is sick? Everyone I know that needs advice always calls their mom. Who can I call? 

There are so many things that I wasnt able to say before you passed. I wanted to thank you for coming to my graduation, even though I might have not acted like I was happy for you to be there, and I also wanted to thank you for being there at my wedding, I also didnt act like I was greatful that you were there for that either... Instead I was greatful for every friend that made it to both of those life events. At that time in my life friends were way more important than any family member. Your passing made me see the importance of family, and made me realize that family wasnt going to be around forever. It taught me that timing is literally everything, so take the time to say anything you want to say before its too late.

 Once I found out that you were dying from cancer I had so much to say to you that I never said before, but the only words I could get out without crying in front of you is that I love you. I couldn't have imagined being in your shoes with everyone crying around you and you werent able to do anything about it. I didnt get the chance to thank you for the times that you were there for me, or the times that I wanted to apologize for. I lived with a house full of people that really wanted me to hate you, and I wasnt sure what to believe about you anymore and you werent around to deflect any of the lies either. I was the only one fighting for you, while getting grounded for standing up for you. 

When I was younger and I was upset, I remember always crying in my room and thinking "I want my mommie". I was always silently begging for you to come rescue me... not sure why I begged for something that I knew was never going to happen. 

Well here I am striving to be a mom, like the one that I never had. Even though you have always been my role model, I dont have a great role model for how a mom is supposed to be. You were more like my best friend when you were around, and non-existent when you werent. 

Do you know how many kids I went to school with that were from broken homes? Way too many. Do you know how many of those kids were living with their dads back in that era? I didnt hear of a single one. When I would ask you why didnt you fight for us, you said that you just wanted out of the marriage. Now being a mom, there is no way I wouldnt fight for my kids. Did you truly trade us for horses? You did end up taking your horses on the day you moved out, but you never took anything or ours or us. Did we do something wrong? Was it your marriage, or was it us? 

I find myself wondering how different my life would have been if I moved in with you when you asked me to. I regret passing that offer by. Now I think its unfair that my sister got more time with you, and that she moved away from our ugly life at our so called home, to spend her high school years with you. She got to know you a lot better than I ever did. 

When I was in high school I used to find myself feeling a little envious of my friends that had their moms around and in their lives, even though they would complain constantly about them, I would have done anything at that time to have you around at all, let alone enough to complain about you being around too much and always in my business!  

I remember when I was much younger that I used to look up to certain older ladies and I would wish that they could be my mom or that I could have a mom more like them. I really hope that a thought like that never crosses my kids' minds when other woman are around. It was never that you didn't treat me well, in fact when you were around life was great and I couldn't ask for anything else! You were one out of only a few of our family members that I didnt feel like an outcast around.  It was the moments that you weren't around that I struggled with, which was unfortunately the majority of my life. 

I want to apologize for cussing you out behind your back after the plane was canceled on Christmas. I was disappointed that you wouldn't pick me up at the bus station instead. I was no different than the ones that I lived with when I made terrible remarks about you behind your back that day. What I didn't know then was that was the last chance I had to see you before I scared you off. 

If I had known that I would have lost the little relationship we did have by self harming myself, I would have made different life choices. I am truly sorry that I became your dissappointment. 

I wish that I had more time with you while you were here, and I wish that I took more time to really get to know you. I wish I would have called you more often, and even tried harder to have you a bigger part of my life.

Since you have been gone I feel like a big piece of me is missing, but I also feel like I should be used to you not being around.

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7 minutes ago, Cassi said:
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It’s been 4,056 days since you left us. But, who’s counting?

There isn’t a day that passes that you don’t cross my mind. I love you and miss you so much. I miss your smile that was always on your face, and I miss your contagious laugh. 

I wasnt ready for you to leave, and I know that you weren't either. You were so strong and fighting with your second battle with cancer. 

You were finally around a lot, and so happy to hear the news that you were going to be a grandma before you got sick. I enjoyed that you called me everyday when you found out that I was preganant and I loved the way your face lit up when you first held Jayden.  We talked more than ever and I treasured you being in my life so much that last year, it made me feel like I was finally doing something right, and that you approved of me. 

When you passed one thing that crossed my mind was who am I supposed to call for advice, or who am I supposed to contact in the middle of the night when Jayden is sick? Everyone I know that needs advice always calls their mom. Who can I call? 

There are so many things that I wasnt able to say before you passed. I wanted to thank you for coming to my graduation, even though I might have not acted like I was happy for you to be there, and I also wanted to thank you for being there at my wedding, I also didnt act like I was greatful that you were there for that either... Instead I was greatful for every friend that made it to both of those life events. At that time in my life friends were way more important than any family member. Your passing made me see the importance of family, and made me realize that family wasnt going to be around forever. It taught me that timing is literally everything, so take the time to say anything you want to say before its too late.

 Once I found out that you were dying from cancer I had so much to say to you that I never said before, but the only words I could get out without crying in front of you is that I love you. I couldn't have imagined being in your shoes with everyone crying around you and you werent able to do anything about it. I didnt get the chance to thank you for the times that you were there for me, or the times that I wanted to apologize for. I lived with a house full of people that really wanted me to hate you, and I wasnt sure what to believe about you anymore and you werent around to deflect any of the lies either. I was the only one fighting for you, while getting grounded for standing up for you. 

When I was younger and I was upset, I remember always crying in my room and thinking "I want my mommie". I was always silently begging for you to come rescue me... not sure why I begged for something that I knew was never going to happen. 

Well here I am striving to be a mom, like the one that I never had. Even though you have always been my role model, I dont have a great role model for how a mom is supposed to be. You were more like my best friend when you were around, and non-existent when you werent. 

Do you know how many kids I went to school with that were from broken homes? Way too many. Do you know how many of those kids were living with their dads back in that era? I didnt hear of a single one. When I would ask you why didnt you fight for us, you said that you just wanted out of the marriage. Now being a mom, there is no way I wouldnt fight for my kids. Did you truly trade us for horses? You did end up taking your horses on the day you moved out, but you never took anything or ours or us. Did we do something wrong? Was it your marriage, or was it us? 

I find myself wondering how different my life would have been if I moved in with you when you asked me to. I regret passing that offer by. Now I think its unfair that my sister got more time with you, and that she moved away from our ugly life at our so called home, to spend her high school years with you. She got to know you a lot better than I ever did. 

When I was in high school I used to find myself feeling a little envious of my friends that had their moms around and in their lives, even though they would complain constantly about them, I would have done anything at that time to have you around at all, let alone enough to complain about you being around too much and always in my business!  

I remember when I was much younger that I used to look up to certain older ladies and I would wish that they could be my mom or that I could have a mom more like them. I really hope that a thought like that never crosses my kids' minds when other woman are around. It was never that you didn't treat me well, in fact when you were around life was great and I couldn't ask for anything else! You were one out of only a few of our family members that I didnt feel like an outcast around.  It was the moments that you weren't around that I struggled with, which was unfortunately the majority of my life. 

I want to apologize for cussing you out behind your back after the plane was canceled on Christmas. I was disappointed that you wouldn't pick me up at the bus station instead. I was no different than the ones that I lived with when I made terrible remarks about you behind your back that day. What I didn't know then was that was the last chance I had to see you before I scared you off. 

If I had known that I would have lost the little relationship we did have by self harming myself, I would have made different life choices. I am truly sorry that I became your dissappointment. 

I wish that I had more time with you while you were here, and I wish that I took more time to really get to know you. I wish I would have called you more often, and even tried harder to have you a bigger part of my life.

Since you have been gone I feel like a big piece of me is missing, but I also feel like I should be used to you not being around.

This was hard to read and I'm sorry to say this but I have no words to describe or empathize with you because I just do not know how to, but all I can tell you is that if you need anybody to talk to, I'm here.

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