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dont do anything all day


museumgirl

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im on winter break until the 21st, have been since july 18th. i haven't done anything other than lock myself in my house. in three weeks i've probably seen people three times (other than my therapist). no one wants to hang out *insert excuses* and i am tired of the routine and not doing all day. the worst part is that i know it's my own fault in spite of having a controlling mother that only let's me go so far/late.

i never learned to pursue any interests bc they were immediately ridiculized/denied and i don't have the motivation either. i just don't care about life. living feels like an obligation because i don't find any pleasure in it.

i don't want to start classes either because 1. you guesed it, i don't enjoy my major anymore 2. i'm gonna have to deal with stress and anxiety

that's it idk.

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9 minutes ago, museumgirl said:
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im on winter break until the 21st, have been since july 18th. i haven't done anything other than lock myself in my house. in three weeks i've probably seen people three times (other than my therapist). no one wants to hang out *insert excuses* and i am tired of the routine and not doing all day. the worst part is that i know it's my own fault in spite of having a controlling mother that only let's me go so far/late.

i never learned to pursue any interests bc they were immediately ridiculized/denied and i don't have the motivation either. i just don't care about life. living feels like an obligation because i don't find any pleasure in it.

i don't want to start classes either because 1. you guesed it, i don't enjoy my major anymore 2. i'm gonna have to deal with stress and anxiety

that's it idk.

Life is short my friend. Do what makes you happy! Controlling mom's are tough!! But you have to make your own way. Keep looking up!

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4 hours ago, museumgirl said:

@Darkness124 i uh... sort of struggle in finding any value in life so it being short doesn't really mean much to me. how do you do it?

My apologies, that really did sound better the first time I read over it, lol. Seriously though, I've learned that value in life isn't about an overall fabulous picture, it's about amazing days that make you welcome new ones. Don't get it twisted, I'm not saying that it's not tough. I am anti-walking outside of my front door as soon as I am home from work. Many days I wake up disappointed that I am still breathing, but you have to keep pushing. I know that adding in a controlling mother is a HUGE pain in the rear, BELIEVE ME! My mother is a product of systematic generational mental abuse. I just moved into my own place again after ten years of taking care of her which included uprooting my own family, quitting my job, and spending those years in extremely close quarters. She STILL treats me like a slave. But take your frustrations to your future, use them to fuel your ambition to do what YOU want with your life. Take her with a grain of salt (that is, as long as you're an adult), and focus on the path you want to take. Remember you are in control. Look at the people you associate with, and ask yourself what positive attributes do they contribute to your life. If they don't cut them loose. 

As for committing Suicide, you seem to be rather young, and it's a shame to sell yourself short right out of the gate. It does get better. Talk to your therapist, possibly an adjustment to meds (If Applicable). Depression, I've always said is like quicksand, it grabs you, and drags you under, until you can't see through the muck. Depression makes you feel so bad inside that you can't see past the hurt to realize the importance that is hidden. I'm a three time SOS, and the aftermath matters. The cycle of depression and mental health Issues continue through the people who have lost you.

Again my apologies for the original bleak response. There is no judgement from me, my friend, just food for thought. Try to keep your head up. 💙

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Wondering if you have the option to change your major? My brother changed his 5x before he graduated because he was never happy with what he was studying!

What is it that you enjoy doing?  How is it that you are being denied doing it?

Sorry you are struggling. I know how hard it can be to get involved in things when you have little motivation.

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@Darkness124 I'm sorry for what you're going through. having a controlling mother has fuxked me up too, so i get just how frustrating it is.

I just feel like there is nothing to fight for. I don't want to try anymore. there is nothing for me out there. You said to take my frustrations to forge a path, to fuel my passion but I... don't want anything. i don't know what am i living for because nothing brings me pleasure or in the end i'll convince myself that it's not worth it. what am i living, or studying for? to get a job ok, what for? what, for crying out loud, is a job going to do for me, for my life, for -anything-. what is so valuable about it, why is it worth suffering years of your life at school for them. i am currently just suffering in school for something that i don't even know what it is.

when does a doctor decide "i want to cure people", or an architect "i want to build houses"? how does the realization of what to do with your life come? where does the meaning come from? the value of anything you do, even though it is all going to disappear and be forgotten forever --no matter how smart, famous,talented you are. what drives people to do anything, at all?

on top of all this, i'm fuxked up, i'm a freaking mental disaster. why extend the suffering?

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21 hours ago, Teddy545 said:

Every teenager is supposed to go through a stage where they start acting more independent, if their parent is controlling they go into rebellion.  Who is ridiculing/denying your interests? 

i never went through the independent phase, just nose dived right into rebellion. lied my way into doing what people my age would normally do like drink go out at night etc because my mother would have never let me do anything otherwise. even though im twenty i still have to do whatever she wants bc "i live in her house so it's her rules"

whenever i suggest that i want to do something i'm told why it's wrong how incapable i am and how dangerous or stupid it is. so i just gave up basically

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20 hours ago, rhyl said:

Wondering if you have the option to change your major? My brother changed his 5x before he graduated because he was never happy with what he was studying!

What is it that you enjoy doing?  How is it that you are being denied doing it?

Sorry you are struggling. I know how hard it can be to get involved in things when you have little motivation.

i have the option, but what for?it's not the major the problem, it's me. i won't feel like anything is good/worthy/meaningful enough. i could try all of them but i don't see myself doing anything in the future.

i don't enjoy anything lately nor do i feel like anything us worth doing, that's the issue :(

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1 hour ago, museumgirl said:

i have the option, but what for?it's not the major the problem, it's me. i won't feel like anything is good/worthy/meaningful enough. i could try all of them but i don't see myself doing anything in the future.

i don't enjoy anything lately nor do i feel like anything us worth doing, that's the issue :(

You could be right. On the other hand, my therapist keeps telling me that with depression, we need to make changes and force ourselves to do things in order to start feeling better.  That studies show this activates certain areas in the brain that gets things going.  

Of course, I mostly think he's full of sh*t most of the time, so...

But, it sounds to me like you might be depressed and often depression gives us this f*cked up view of life like "there's no meaning" or "there's no value" or something like that, even though it seems perfectly reasonable and fits in exactly with how our lives are going at the moment.  and if we don't try *something* to make things better, we never really know if what we're seeing or thinking is how it really is or if it's just f*cked up thinking caused by depression.

So...totally your choice not to do anything else to see if they help.  But what's the harm?  

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4 hours ago, museumgirl said:

when does a doctor decide "i want to cure people", or an architect "i want to build houses"? how does the realization of what to do with your life come? where does the meaning come from? the value of anything you do, even though it is all going to disappear and be forgotten forever --no matter how smart, famous,talented you are. what drives people to do anything, at all?

Despite what people may claim when you ask them many don't have that realization until later in life. Few people in their late teens or early twenties know what they want to do or it changes all the time. Just thinking of your example here, my guess is that the majority of doctors didn't choose that route because they wanted to cure people but because their parents pushed them into it or because they want prestige and money. 

I majored in business and I can't say that I was ever really passionate about my major, I just wanted something that doesn't take forever and would provide me with a good foundation to find an OK paying job. If I followed my passion I would have probably studied history which I am much more passionate about but it would have been foolish, no point in pursuing your dreams if they can't realistically help you put food on the table. I would suspect that most people do the same, pick a major/field that they can live with and that will provide them with a reasonable financial future. It's a compromise and in most cases the driving force is just money and survival. 

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@lonelyforeigner but then how can i even choose what to study? I'm already 20. I already started two majors. the thought of dropping out again makes me cringe. 

so people basically work to make money i guess. i thought i had to have this super meaningful reason behind pursuing a job, well i mean, that's why i'm in college right now. 

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I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I'm not particularly interested or passionate in any career anymore. College is more like a chore than an adventure and I've changed my major twice already.

Hopefully this third major works out because if not, idk what to do anymore. I chose a major closest to what I was interested in as a child, and even though my mental disorders hinder me from feeling passionate about it now, at least at one point I was. Maybe there's something you were interested in as a child that relates to some major.

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5 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

I would try to choose something that you're good at and at least can stand doing and that will make you a good living.  Then if you decide to change later, you'll have some money to pursue your passion.

anything i'm good at won't allow me to make a living. i know how to draw and paint, that's like my only objective "talent" which is good for nothing. i'm bilingual... I thought i was good at writing but not anymore really. nd tbh i can't think of anything that would allow me to make a decent living out of it.

 i don't think there's much more really I mean... whatever it is I do i will most certainly push myself to do it as perfectly as possible so in the end i often get very good results,just out of fear of failing or making mistakes and not attaining to this impossible standard. that's how i've been a straight A student most of my life anyways...

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22 hours ago, rhyl said:

You could be right. On the other hand, my therapist keeps telling me that with depression, we need to make changes and force ourselves to do things in order to start feeling better.  

i don't think it's entirely BS, because in the end, i can sit around and think about how to solve my situation but eventually action is what brings the change. i'm sort of in a cynical crisis right now, and i hate myself for it. i am too terrified to start over. i feel like i already failed at life. so many people have already accomplished so much at my age and i'm so far behind i'm not worthy of being alive aanymore. on top of that, i have to learn how to grow up and function as an adult when my mother still treats me like i'm 12.

i just know that i have to keep trying. but i can't because of my controlling mother and my inner critic.

(and also, i'm definitely depressed)

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1 hour ago, square said:

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I'm not particularly interested or passionate in any career anymore. College is more like a chore than an adventure and I've changed my major twice already.

Hopefully this third major works out because if not, idk what to do anymore. I chose a major closest to what I was interested in as a child, and even though my mental disorders hinder me from feeling passionate about it now, at least at one point I was. Maybe there's something you were interested in as a child that relates to some major.

it seems that in my case, following my passion never got me anywhere. i was passionate about english and studied translation; after a year i dropped out because i realized that, Alas, i would have to work as a translator, and i didn't like the prospect very much.

after four months of staying at home (couldn't get a job bc my mother said it was ridiculous, couldn't try courses or volunteering because *insert whatever dumb reason yelled loud enough to leave you crying and not wanting to ask for anything ever again* --and remember i'm 20 years old, supposedly """free""" to do whatever the hell i want like any other person my age, but not me! because i'm still a reckless child to her) i signed up for art history bc it had a lot of subjects about social studies not only art and at least i would be studying something i had some interest in, even if it was just an excuse to leave my house.

so basically my "passions" will leave me unemployed for life. i hope your case is different than mine.

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@museumgirl I get it. My passions and interests don't really have marvelous  job prospects either, but when I tried settling for something that did, I was miserable because I had not one ounce of enthusiasm about it. At least with something you're interested in, you can have the ability to work harder to achieve what you want, because your passion is (hopefully) there.

But maybe stick to something a bit more general? Would you consider becoming a teacher? Instead of just translation, perhaps do English and minor (or double major) in some other language. Then you could study abroad and work to teach other students English (or teach Americans the other language).

Same with art history. Art history and a teaching degree then you can teach art or work in a museum. With art (not history) you can illustrate, do graphic design, be an animator (and sell your own stuff on the side).

Is cultural anthropology interesting to you at all?

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2 hours ago, square said:
But maybe stick to something a bit more general? Would you consider becoming a teacher? Instead of just translation, perhaps do English and minor (or double major) in some other language. Then you could study abroad and work to teach other students English (or teach Americans the other language).

 

in my country we don't have minors/majors. university degrees are licenciates and availability varies from uni to uni--i will most likely have to wait til next year if i want to change it.

i don't know if i would become a teacher tbh. the overwhelming problem to me is that i just don't know what i want to become. i'm slowly realizing that i will most likely be working in something completely unrrelated with my interests and will most likely have to settle for that. i would work harder to find a job/study something if i knew what i wanted to become but... i just don't know. objectively, i could become a teacher, or just about anything really, but inside me i'm like "what for? what will i achieve doing that? what good is it anyways? what difference will it make?" and the answer is always "nothing"

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Well, like the others said, you don't have to know the specifics of what you want to do in regard to careers. Go about art history. Hopefully as you progress, a spark shows up and gives you a newfound realization about what you want to be. Interning can help too.

Anyway, you have to try and not follow what those apathetic thoughts are saying. They're holding you back. When you think, "what will I achieve by being a teacher?" answer as though you're talking about the most ideal situation. "I could teach others about topics that interest me and help expand their worldview. I could inspire others to become artists and explore the creative side they didn't know they had...." At least you'll have something to strive for. I know it's easier said than done and hopefully I made sense :\

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On 8/9/2017 at 7:10 PM, museumgirl said:

@Darkness124 I'm sorry for what you're going through. having a controlling mother has fuxked me up too, so i get just how frustrating it is.

I just feel like there is nothing to fight for. I don't want to try anymore. there is nothing for me out there. You said to take my frustrations to forge a path, to fuel my passion but I... don't want anything. i don't know what am i living for because nothing brings me pleasure or in the end i'll convince myself that it's not worth it. what am i living, or studying for? to get a job ok, what for? what, for crying out loud, is a job going to do for me, for my life, for -anything-. what is so valuable about it, why is it worth suffering years of your life at school for them. i am currently just suffering in school for something that i don't even know what it is.

when does a doctor decide "i want to cure people", or an architect "i want to build houses"? how does the realization of what to do with your life come? where does the meaning come from? the value of anything you do, even though it is all going to disappear and be forgotten forever --no matter how smart, famous,talented you are. what drives people to do anything, at all?

on top of all this, i'm fuxked up, i'm a freaking mental disaster. why extend the suffering?

First thing - "I'm not worth it". Darlin, you have to LOVE YOU. Omg such the hard way I have learned this! Another of the factors in my mental dysfunction, is surviving the suicide of someone very special to me when I was 15. We were working on getting through the "friend zone" and he just couldn't hang on. The details of this ordeal included a note saying"I did thinking of our kiss and almost reconsidered". I despised, loathed, hated, and detested myself. I kept hearing "it's not your fault" but I couldn't really argue with the source. This depraved hatred led to so many downfalls in my life. I didn't have any self worth so I just didn't care. In retrospect, I'm still cleaning up those messes 20 years later. You have to accept that there is just one you and you deserve to make your mark. It's not easy. Not at all. I drag myself out of bed every morning and force myself to put my best foot forward. Amazing days make life amazing. Overall the outlook is bleak sometimes, but there are fabulous times to be had.

Second, are the things you are prusuing YOUR choices? Or are they mom's? This is crucial. You will not be happy living out the lost dreams of others. You have to do what you want to do. If you don't know yet, go out and find it. Don't limit yourself; have adventures, they don't have to be extravagant. Don't be afraid to put your foot down about finding your own way. Tell mom or whoever that you are not happy and want to explore other options. If they Support you, you might want to get a part time job and put back some money, but have faith that it will be worth it. You have to set a goal, something you're passionate about. 

I hope this helps. Please don't end such an early start. You have plenty of potential, be strong enough to follow it through 💙💙💙

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If you're interested in some simple things to break up the monotony, here are some things I've done during low periods where I couldn't get much else done:

  • Getting coffee and watching a crowd go by.
  • Short walks or jogs, even 10 minutes.
  • Checking out library books.

Not much, but it's something.

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On 8/10/2017 at 9:02 PM, museumgirl said:

anything i'm good at won't allow me to make a living. i know how to draw and paint, that's like my only objective "talent" which is good for nothing. i'm bilingual... I thought i was good at writing but not anymore really. nd tbh i can't think of anything that would allow me to make a decent living out of it.

 i don't think there's much more really I mean... whatever it is I do i will most certainly push myself to do it as perfectly as possible so in the end i often get very good results,just out of fear of failing or making mistakes and not attaining to this impossible standard. that's how i've been a straight A student most of my life anyways...

Have you thought of something like graphic arts?  Or a degree in art, with the idea of working in the film industry?  How about business?  Applicants who are bilingual (in any field, really) usually have a much better chance of being hired when up against those who are not.  

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