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Giving up needs for other needs.

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I had a appointment with my counselor last week--first in several years. It helped to get perspective on why I feel so depressed. For the past couple years, more and more I gave up everything that made me happy just to survive. He told me that I had been neglecting my own happiness. A couple of weeks before a mentor told me pretty much the same thing: I deserve to be happy. I just don't know how.

The past several years has been hard. I was laid off from work, had to find temporary work, then rehired, then laid off again to find temporary work again. Paying bills became a challenge, so I stopped doing the activities I liked. That wasn't enough, my brother suggested making more sacrifices like selling things that wasn't a necessity, so I followed his advice. Then I stopped visiting friends. There'd be times I worked two jobs, sometimes three and riding my bike to work to pay for past due bills or vehicle repairs. I was homeless for four months last year, and another four months this year, thinking it could help me save money to pay cash advances or other bills. Each moment I would gain momentum, some catastrophe would happen and I'd be worse off. Hell, in just a span of two months, I had lost my job, my landlords sold the house where I was renting, and my vehicle's engine blew.

I'm grateful for the good things that has happen: my dad gave me some money to use on getting a working vehicle, I was able to collect unused vacation and sick time from my old job that helped pay the rest on a down payment for a working vehicle, a friend gave me a full-time job in a field I'm very experienced in, and I was able to save enough money to rent a room. Still, it seems only temporary. I'm still using all my income to pay past due bills and now the owner of the shop I work at is nervous that it'll be out of business in a few months. I have so much less than I did just four years ago, but more debt and more chance I'll loose everything again.

I gave up everything that was me just to exist--yet its not enough. Still in the adversity, I'm going make an effort on regaining what I valued. I have time and the whole ******* universe working against me and I'll probably die homeless, forgotten, and without meaning.


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