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Really needing help


psychosolo

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First post. I've had severe clinical depression since elementary school, and it comes in waves. Usually I can ride it out but this time is much longer than usual. I'm 24. No friends, never been in a relationship (the one time I got even slightly close it ended horribly), not close with family. I feel more hopeless than I ever have. I don't know what I want to do with my life, already feel like I have made all the wrong choices, specifically not staying at my first college- I lived in a dorm for 3 months, developed anxiety and dropped out to attend community college near home because I didn't know what I was dealing with. I feel like I missed out on all the experiences that should have shaped me into a normal person. Maybe I would have been in a relationship, maybe I would have friends. I hate my job, get yelled at by clients on a daily basis. Its exhausting putting a smile on. I have no support whatsoever, unless you count my therapist. All the depression advice articles I read say "stay close to loved ones, be social with friends and family". What if I have none? 

I have never made plans to hurt myself or worse but I truly don't see the point of being here. We're all just meatsuits here for a second and then gone forever. I don't believe anyone can make a real difference, and there will always be horrible people in the world. I hate thinking that over a quarter of my life is over and I feel so behind everyone else. Its not like me at all to write on a forum like this but I don't know what else to do. 

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The good news is even though you feel your depression robbed you of some experiences you wish you had, you are still so very young and the future is yours.  There is so much for you to do and see out there and you can always learn from whatever wrong choices you made.  You still can have friends and a relationship once you take good care of yourself.  I'm happy that you see a therapist and how that he or she helps you.  If you ever feel it's going nowhere, find another therapist.

As for your job, it may not be the ideal place for you.  If so, when you're ready hold onto it while you look for something much better.

I know what it's like to not want to be here.  I can safely say many people want you to be here including myself and this whole forum.  I'm glad you came here.  This is a great place where you will find endless support.

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I understand the feeling of being left behind. Everyone else has purpose, success, love, and happiness. It's easy for some of them, others its more difficult. For us that have depression, it takes every fiber of our being.

Social anxiety is isolating because a lot of depressed people practice avoidance. Its natural to avoid things that are uncomfortable or painful. But, to overcome it you have to know your goals and desires and know you'll have to do some things that are uncomfortable or even painful to get them. A way to get them is by acclimating and immersing. Maybe start with making small goals like going to the grocery store on a regular basis and saying hi to a random cashier, or holding the door open for a stranger. They're small actions, but they are social interactions that with enough practice will help you feel less anxious. Later on you can start immersing yourself. If there's a event you want to go to, or you're invited to one, but you're telling yourself you don't deserve it or won't be accepted, force yourself to go, force yourself to be fun, almost pretend and you'll realize that's what everyone else is doing.

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i don't think you made a mistake by switching to community college, it probably costs far less and you'll be fine.  Millions of people have gone to these schools, and the majority are glad they did I'm certain.  There is absolutely no reason to think that you'd have been better off living in a dorm and attending an expensive university.  The human brain is not fully developed until the age of 25, and it sounds like you have a ways to go until you reach that age, so give yourself a break.  While it's nice to have friends, it's not necessary to be happy and many people with friends aren't (happy).  You don't have to be close to your family, either.  It's best to learn how to be independent, which takes work, and is not easy, but in the end you'll be glad you did.  Just my 2¢   

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