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A cry for help


Jman232

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I've always battled with depression on and off again most of my life. My therapist diagnosed me with dysthemia. 

 

I can't think of a time prior to this past year that I have sunk so low. I used to have long stretches of heightened sadness and anxiety that would come and go. So for a long time my understanding (or maybe lack thereof) of depression was just being sad more often or for lesser reasons than normal people. 

This isn't that. I feel like I've sunk below my dysthemic patterns into a bleak clinical depression. I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two lovely people, and they are both concerned for me, but I just can't muster the energy to return their affection. This has strained my relationship with them.

I don't have the initiative to pursue any of the things that usually bring me great pleasure. I only meet them with apathy. I'm an introverted person by trait but the slippery slope of wanting alone time has led me to shut myself in. I know that kind of isolation only exacerbates my condition but going out seems exhausting.

I work 40-50 hours a week in a toxic work environment because it pays me well and has fantastic benefits for a job requiring only moderate skill set, but dang if it doesn't sap what little energy I have left. (But isn't that the American dream? Sell your soul to your work or be grindingly poor) 

I have good people in my life. A few close friends. A good relationship with my father and brother. But making the energy for others just seems insurmountable.

I have a therapist, whom I haven't been able to visit in the past month because my job has been crazy (finally seeing her tomorrow after work).

 

But finding no light at the end of the tunnel. I will force myself to hit the gym later today to hate myself a little less. But what's the point?

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I have no answers for you but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate. Lately I too have been dealing with reoccurring depression and life seems quite pointless...but just know you are not alone.

This time will one day pass. You have good people in your life that care so much for you.

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Diego- that is one of the reasons my depression is so frustrating. I often feel hopeless without a clear cut reason. I am working towards ways to fill my free time like you said, so I don't just sit on the couch and slip into darkness.

 

Sequin- thank you for the honest reply. And you are right, there are good people in my life who care.

Thank you both for replying

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