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Why to keep going?


Kamaji

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Hello,

I am new here, for the purpose of anonymity you can call me Kamaji.

 

I have spent years dealing with depression, anxiety and a number of other health problems. Some I have some others think I do as in family members or so called professionals.

Personality disorders and some people have even suggested I am even a sociopath.

 

I have spent the last 10 years locked in a battle of depression within those the years I have tried to take my life five times.

 

I am finding it harder to keep going. My family do not speak to me as I have a history of drug use and this is what they were told to do by the professionals.

I have just ended a five year relationship with the only person I have ever loved, I have no where to live. I am on a friends sofa right now until my social worker can find something for me.

The strange thing is a feel nothing anymore. not about my family, I am glad me and my girlfriend are now apart as I was only causing her worry and I no longer wanted that.

 

I have an IQ of 138 and while I can do a lot of things I can seem to be happy. I have no reason not to be I had a good childhood I just don't seem to be able.

 

I don't care about money or material good. The only thing I really care about is the people around who I love but I feel my depression only causes them more sadness.

 

What do you do at this point? any words or advice that will help me get up tomorrow will help me.

 

I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.

 

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1 minute ago, Azzurra18 said:

I'm so sorry for your situation.

It honestly sounds like you need a fresh start in a new place.  

You've hit a lot of bumps in the road, but you will find happiness because you deserve it.

 

 

A new place sounds great but I have no way of supporting myself.  Also I can't seem to keep a job.

Happiness is something I want very much but every way I try I can't seem to find it and it selfish as there are people who have had much harder life's than me. Right now I just don't know why to continue the only thing that is stopping me is the fact when I last tried to take my life where my heart actually stopped and I am lucky not to be brain dead was the hurt it caused the few people I have left.

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Well, I'm glad your last attempt didn't succeed.  It's proof that you need to be here.

Could you go on disability?  That will at least give you a small income and you pretty much can move wherever you want and keep you on your feet until you get a job.

You're not selfish.  You're just hurting.  

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So am I. The fact I have not any long term damage from is amazing, I have some damage but it is nothing like what could have been.

Yes I could go on disability but where I am from (I do not want to say for personal reasons) this would to little live off very little. I also don't like the idea as I should be able to work. For the last few years I have been living off the kindness of my friends (some of which are died now sadly) but unless I find a way to change I fear I will not be here much longer.

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Hello Kamaji, since you mention your IQ, I want to ask you what do you like to do and start from there.

Also, not having money is not a problem but just a state in your life, though I don't do drugs I have been feeling depressed for many years, almost 10 years. Now I have nothing (money) but I'm somehow doing what I like. 

Please just stay away from drugs since drugs will only worsen your situation, I know for experience that drugs only alter your psyche for the worse not for the better. 

You will do fine, write anytime and share your emotions here, it will help you heal. I know writing is the most important thing for me, and perhaps for you too.

sheer up my friend. i hope to hear from you.

Best 

Flavio

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Disability wouldn't have to be a permanent fixture.  It just be temporary until you found a job.

It sounds like you had really great friends.  As a pay-it-forward, especially to the ones that are no longer with us, just keep striving for the things you want in life.

"Believe you can and you're halfway there."  -Theodore Roosevelt

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Hi Flavio,

 

I only mention my IQ as every doctor I see brings it up as if I should not even be sitting with them.

I like to do a lot of things, I have no education but that's never been a problem for me. In fact tonight I designed a circuit board because I could not sleep. I think thats my main problem I think too much and all the time. I don't sleep but I can't get out of bed because I was awake thinking all night. I am always tired and that makes me tired.

 

Money is not something I care about, it was at one time in my life where I made a lot of it but I started to give up material things and try to think about more important things. This has helped me greatly but now that I have nowhere to live I wish I some savings or just a way to get by.

 

I was a large drug user at one time but it killed a lot of my close friends so I stopped.

 

Thanks for your kind words Flavio I will make it I just need some advice is all.

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12 minutes ago, Azzurra18 said:

Disability wouldn't have to be a permanent fixture.  It just be temporary until you found a job.

It sounds like you had really great friends.  As a pay-it-forward, especially to the ones that are no longer with us, just keep striving for the things you want in life.

"Believe you can and you're halfway there."  -Theodore Roosevelt

Thing is a have never held a job for even a year.

I do have great friends but sadly I have lost a lot of them due to the same problems.

I have had to carry the coffins of a lot of great people, people I thought were much stronger than me.

 

If it was not for the people I do have I would have been dead a long time ago

 

.

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I think I needed to vent a little. Thank you for listening!

 

“A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.” Tim Ferriss

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I'm not sure what reasons have kept you from holding jobs, but in the line of getting a new one, have you considered a trade school?  Do a little research for your area and find out where the jobs are and what fields.  Mine was machining, but that was a while ago and it different by area and also your personal interests play a big role.  You mentioned your IQ and I'm in a similar boat there, but I've seen how that frequently doesn't amount to success.  What it can help with is your ability to adapt and learn something new.  Either way this was just a suggestion and I wish you luck.  

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1 minute ago, already lost it said:

I'm not sure what reasons have kept you from holding jobs, but in the line of getting a new one, have you considered a trade school?  Do a little research for your area and find out where the jobs are and what fields.  Mine was machining, but that was a while ago and it different by area and also your personal interests play a big role.  You mentioned your IQ and I'm in a similar boat there, but I've seen how that frequently doesn't amount to success.  What it can help with is your ability to adapt and learn something new.  Either way this was just a suggestion and I wish you luck.  

 

Simply because of days I couldn't get out of bed to got to work.

 

Trade schools and apprenticeships don't exist anymore in my country. Yeah don't ask me who came up with that bright idea.

I also never went to school, at the time I didn't know what it was that made me so scared of school. Turned out to be severe anxiety as well as dyslexia and ADD.

 

So as far as training goes I don't have many options. I have spent the last few years of my life off grid working manual jobs but I have found myself happiest doing that. Now I am almost homeless (I have been before and don't think I can do it again) I don't know what to do.

 

I haven't been able to sleep for three days now. I can't stop thinking.

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