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captain_right

My Depression experience - pre & post medication

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Back then I didn't know much about depression. For me, depression was just feeling sad. Without knowing, I have been struggling for almost a year. It kept getting worse, i had constant suicidal thoughts and guilty feeling since I opened my eyes in morning. There was a time, I went to stranger's room say ceiling fan and first thing on my mind was "can i hang myself", I would see down from my room and think will I die if i throw myself from here? I felt like the failure and couldn't handle simple stress or task.

Finally, I went to the doctor, i was diagnosed with moderate depression and started with 20mg for fluoxetine, i took it for around 5months, not it 30mg :(. 
But I can clearly and vividly sort the difference in me - before & after medication. I didn't knew depression was this complicated and more than just a feeling. Still, i have a fear that i may have to take medication forever but I have determination I will over come. When I was told I have depression at first, I would rather imagine ending myself or being a burden to everyone.

My emotion and behavior have changed radically. I sometimes still try to remember good old days and try to evaluate myself.
I realized I have never been fully happy or had excitement. There was a time when I would get excited when I get a message from the crush.

I hope one day i will be able to live on without any medication.

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Hi @captain_right, so sorry for the long delay on responding! Welcome to DF. I hope you find it helps. 

Coming off AD sorta hit hime with me. I have gone on and off them so much over the years. Turns out i was more in need of bipolar and bpd meds. But what i wanted to say is try not to worry about being on them. If you need them then you need them. The bottom line is make sure your doctor is on board and aware of it. I cant tell you how many times i messed myself up coming off them...even though they werent the right meds to begin with.

I wish you well and hope you make yoursekf at home here.

Natasha

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