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anxious and clinging


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personality disorders suck.
they suck for those around you and they suck big time for those who have them.  mine is anxious attachment.  meaning if i think that someone i love is leaving me i freak out.  i cling hard to those i love because i fear losing them, but in the process i lose them because of my reaction.  it becomes a train wreck of the person withdraws so i cling harder and harder in panic.

i cannot stop it without help..lots of help.  if i see it happening i can control it a while but i need the help and understanding of the subject of my clinging, im not saying to let me do it but please dont give up.  unfortunately that is usually the last thing the person wants to do at that point.  they just want the clinging to stop.

especially if the subject of clinging is an avoidant personality type.

its to the point that id rather d1e than get into another relationship because the same thing will only happen again.  I cannot lose yet another...i cannot give my heart only to see it treated like something vile rather than the best i can give.

a word of advice to any dealing with a clinging person...please dont give in to the advice/temptation to simply ghost on them.  silence is a torture chamber where thoughts run wild and every possible scenario will be played out in technicolor glory.  by all means, be blunt about the behavior and how it suffocates you.  just please keep trying to talk.  if there needs to be an ending, know that the pain of loss is less than the slow death of silence.  you dont deserve the suffocation clinging brings but remember that the person clings because the past has taught them desperation instead of calmness.  they can learn a new personality..it is possible.  it just takes time.

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  • 1 year later...
On ‎7‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 2:47 AM, ArnoldJRimmer said:

personality disorders suck.
they suck for those around you and they suck big time for those who have them.  mine is anxious attachment.  meaning if i think that someone i love is leaving me i freak out.  i cling hard to those i love because i fear losing them, but in the process i lose them because of my reaction.  it becomes a train wreck of the person withdraws so i cling harder and harder in panic.

i cannot stop it without help..lots of help.  if i see it happening i can control it a while but i need the help and understanding of the subject of my clinging, im not saying to let me do it but please dont give up.  unfortunately that is usually the last thing the person wants to do at that point.  they just want the clinging to stop.

especially if the subject of clinging is an avoidant personality type.

its to the point that id rather d1e than get into another relationship because the same thing will only happen again.  I cannot lose yet another...i cannot give my heart only to see it treated like something vile rather than the best i can give.

a word of advice to any dealing with a clinging person...please dont give in to the advice/temptation to simply ghost on them.  silence is a torture chamber where thoughts run wild and every possible scenario will be played out in technicolor glory.  by all means, be blunt about the behavior and how it suffocates you.  just please keep trying to talk.  if there needs to be an ending, know that the pain of loss is less than the slow death of silence.  you dont deserve the suffocation clinging brings but remember that the person clings because the past has taught them desperation instead of calmness.  they can learn a new personality..it is possible.  it just takes time.


I'm anxious attachment as well. I think I'm quite good at spotting people with avoidant attachment and I pretty much avoid them these days.

These days I only surround myself with people who have secure attachment style. People who doesn't trigger anxiety in me, I find myself spending more time around them.

Edited by raiindrop
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Hey Arnold,

Are you doing therapy for this?

My last relationship was with someone exactly as you describe and yeah, it ended in a spectacular trainwreck.

Unfortunately, my ex totally refused to get treatment and was convinced that if I loved him "enough" / "right" and let him cling 110%, then that was all he needed.

If he had been willing to get treatment and I had seen some improvement (any at all) and there had been some hope and him being aware of the issue and dealing with it, I'd have stuck with him.

It may just be my opinion/ perspective, but I think if there's a major issues, then it's much easier for the other person if there is some kind of tangible hope/ action being taken/ appropriate treatment being sought.

I think we all have "issues". So a partner having issues is pretty normal.

A partner not willing to actively work on their issues is really difficult, IMO.

Btw, as I was breaking up with my ex, he did an 100% about face and went from hyper-clinging to ghosting. (It wasn't me that ghosted.) That was super weird and traumtic too. I understand he was acting out his own issues, but 2 years later I am still super angry at having been treated like that and having been "used".

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@Sophy

Yes i was in therapy toward the end and still am.  Unfortunately i tried lots of things to fix the situation but i didnt understand what i was doing clearly.  She wouldnt talk about it.

The last open conversation we had she finally talked some.  It was that she didnt think i was trying to get better.  That it was a lot of "when i do 'x' it will be better" statements from me ('x' being things like start medication, change medication, stop meds, for example)

Ive just given up.  Im no longer trying to be close to anyone.  I just let my self image have free reign and i know its better to stay away from people.

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Relationships are hard. We all bring so much baggage and so many issues to the table.

Right now, at 40, I don't want to be in a relationship either.

Not so much because I've given up, but because, for the time being, I feel like I've learned what I can from relationships.

I want to be on my own for a while - as you said, letting yourself-image have free reign can be a good thing too.

It's sad when relationships fail because we're not quite where we want/ need to be - when they fail because of such a small margin, it's truly heartbreaking.

Give yourself time to recover and keep working on your issues - it will benefit you, no matter what. Whether you stay single, start a new relationship, or even just in your friendships.

And don't blame yourself. We're all given baggage to deal with and we all take it into relationships.

Your ex will have had her share of baggage too and her not talking about it is part of her baggage.

Often, when a relationship fails, people "blame" each other because it feels easier to get over the relationship in that way.

So, while your clinging may have contributed to the situation, your partner probably contributed too - and now she's walking away from it saying "it was all your fault because of the clinging".

It's easy to get stuck in a line of thinking like that.

But I'm sure it's not the case.

You're aware of your issue and you're working on it - that's all any of us ever do in life, so keep going and you will grow.

Edited by Sophy
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  • 1 year later...
On 6/30/2017 at 7:47 PM, ArnoldJRimmer said:

personality disorders suck.
they suck for those around you and they suck big time for those who have them.  mine is anxious attachment.  meaning if i think that someone i love is leaving me i freak out.  i cling hard to those i love because i fear losing them, but in the process i lose them because of my reaction.  it becomes a train wreck of the person withdraws so i cling harder and harder in panic.

i cannot stop it without help..lots of help.  if i see it happening i can control it a while but i need the help and understanding of the subject of my clinging, im not saying to let me do it but please dont give up.  unfortunately that is usually the last thing the person wants to do at that point.  they just want the clinging to stop.

especially if the subject of clinging is an avoidant personality type.

its to the point that id rather d1e than get into another relationship because the same thing will only happen again.  I cannot lose yet another...i cannot give my heart only to see it treated like something vile rather than the best i can give.

a word of advice to any dealing with a clinging person...please dont give in to the advice/temptation to simply ghost on them.  silence is a torture chamber where thoughts run wild and every possible scenario will be played out in technicolor glory.  by all means, be blunt about the behavior and how it suffocates you.  just please keep trying to talk.  if there needs to be an ending, know that the pain of loss is less than the slow death of silence.  you dont deserve the suffocation clinging brings but remember that the person clings because the past has taught them desperation instead of calmness.  they can learn a new personality..it is possible.  it just takes time.

If you have a personality disorder, it mainly linked to hiding who you truly are. Usually when a person has a double personality, it usually means that they are not one or the other, but that normally they are in between. Its like this, a person is hot one minute and cold the next minute, it can mean that that situations and circumstances are changing you to cold or to hot. Lukewarm is natural. But as i said hot and cold comes from situations and circumstances. You have to find yourself and identify your lukewarm. I said that from my experience dealing with it personally. Fortunately i had alot of control over my personality, and remained at lukewarm. Silence is golden by the way. You can use it to contemplate on how you can change your personality to lukewarm and do an analysis of yourself. You could always see the GP for extra help. 

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