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Hi everyone, I’m brand new in these forums and hoping I can get some advice?

I'm a 46 year old woman and quite attractive, but I really struggle with low self esteem, feelings of boredom/emptiness - lack of enthusiasm for anything, fatigue, & general apathy towards whatever I am doing.  Although my life is pretty good, compared to some;  I have a partner of 15 yrs, a 27yr old daughter, 3  adult stepchildren & my 15 month old grandson. We own our own beautiful home. I work my own hours within my partners business and we all have reasonably good health.

I don't have any hobbies or interests though, I have tried to get into all sorts of things but the enthusiasm isn't there. I've tried gyms, yoga, meditation, etc. All these things were ok when I started but never lasted more than a few weeks before I stopped doing them because I just couldn't be bothered. I have rarely ever finished anything in life that I have started. I can't focus on tasks at work most times. No matter how much I have to do I always find myself mentally wandering off.

I was diagnosed with depression a few yrs ago, and went on anti depressants for a month or so. I stopped taking them as I didn’t feel any different on them and I hated the stigma attached to taking them.

I was sexually abused by my grandfather (my fathers father) from the age of 4 yrs until the age of 8.  This abuse was not constant, it was on and off over these years. I remember all of it clearly,  My family were unaware of this at the time so there was nobody to protect me back then.   I feel like my innocence was taken and I had to grow up very quickly.  I guess I also feel a bit hurt that when I told my parents on my 18th birthday about the abuse, they didn’t approach him about it as he was very high up in the Police Force and it was all too hard as he would have absolutely denied it.   My mother was very hurt and wanted to **** him but she just didn't know what to do.

This was left in limbo for 27 years as he only died late last year.  I didn't know whether to approach him over the years and tell him I remember, I guess I didn't want to face him again and bring up all those sick memories.  My father blocked it out all those years and when I reminded him of it recently, he said that he didn't know what I was talking about.  I don't know.

I certainly don't go around thinking about what happened to me all the time and I have told hardly anyone about it as its just not one of those things you tell everyone.  I guess it is in my sub-conscious though.  I have also gradually become a very defensive person over the years and it seems to be getting worse each year.  I treat people the way that they treat me and I wont take anyones crap, I will usually say something if something is bothering me.  However, I am a good person, I have a big heart and will stop to help an old person across the road and I am a huge animal lover.  

I have been to therapists over the years to try and deal with it, but all they do is ask how I felt and I have to repeat the story over and over and to be honest,  I feel like I'm just another number on their list.  I don't feel important to them, one of the Psychologists I went to, actually watched her clock the whole time I was in her room and I felt like walking out.  So, it has turned me off them, I'd prefer to write my feelings in a forum where normal everyday people can maybe relate to how I'm feeling.

I don't know what I want to do, I do know that I want to stop putting myself down and thinking that everyone else is above me.  I want a passion, an interest, but there is nothing there. Is it depression? Laziness? I don't know. But it's there. All the time. A big emptiness/darkness that surrounds me, and I can't see the way out.

I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I have read many people’s experiences online and I can identify with them a lot. So I guess I want to put my feelings out there somewhere. Maybe to help someone else feel that they are not “alone” in feeling this way, but maybe, so that I will have some kind of “belonging” by sharing this with people.

Sorry this post is so long, thank you for listening x

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I am sorry to hear all that you are feeling about yourself right now. Even though you are not alone, it still always feels that you are out there be yourself. I have the same story about a family member who sexually abused and raped me as a young teenager. He too, has since passed away.  I have had felt that hatred towards him for years! I finally heard a program on the radio one day about expressing forgiveness even when we do not feel that the person does deserve it. Doing this will release you from their bondage. So, it took sometime for me to come to the conclusion to decide to write my letter of forgiveness to him. I did it and just writing down the words of the giving, offering forgiveness towards him, I felt a sense of relief and freedom. Like the chains of bondage had been broken.

As for feeling empty, board and lonely, unmotivated inside, there is only one solution for that. You need Jesus Christ in your life. If you want to have life and be full of hope, love, joy and peace, then you need to invite Jesus Christ into your life. Here is a prayer to follow if only you are serious about wanting fulfillment in your life. " Heavenly Father, I am so empty and feel lifeless inside. I am unmotivated and just feel hopeless, like I am just existing. Please help me! I want to have more out of life than just existing. I want to love and know joy! I want to enjoy my family and friends, I want to love and enjoy doing things. I know I do not deserve you or your love, but I need you, come be apart of my life. I want you to be my God and Father! Teach me, show me, love me..! I believe in you Jesus, I praise you and Thank you for dying for me and all of my sins. 

In Jesus Name I pray, Amen"

However, if you are not wanting to change your life then nothing will change, but if you are willing to and desire to change, then I guarantee this prayer will change your life. 

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Hello NIcky, thanks for sharing your story!

The symptoms you describe really point to some form of depression. It's sad to hear that therapy hasn't helped you, since this is what usually helps most people. But the thing with therapists is that everyone has a different personality so it may take a few tries to find the one therapist that suits you. The same is with antidepressants - everyone reacts differently to them so it may take some experimenting with various types until you find the one that suits you. I'd definitely encourage you to give therapy another try.

In my opinion, your depression is the underlying problem so when you take care of that, most of the other issues you mention will be gone or at least manageable. I'm not an expert, but your abuse from childhood and the way it shaped your life definitely has something to do with it, so maybe you should start there.

I don't have much practical advice to offer, since you already tried the stuff I usually praise, like yoga and meditation, but maybe you should try journaling. I keep a diary every day and I'd say it helped me a lot. I also enjoy listening to podcasts. There is one in particular that I think you will like, it's called Mental Illness Happy Hour. You can download episodes for free, just google that name (I'd link the website but posting links is prohibited on this forum). It's a podcast hosted by a comedian struggling with mental issues and every week he brings in and interviews other people with mental issues. Most of them are publicly known and it's kind of like listening to someone's therapy session but much better and more fun. Lastly, have you ever read something on the topics on mindfulness, Buddhism, or gratefulness? I've been researching those ideas and found some relief in them.

I'm sorry if none of this helped, I hope you'll find at least some inspiration in these suggestions. 

Take care,
V

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1 hour ago, JkBrauer said:

As for feeling empty, board and lonely, unmotivated inside, there is only one solution for that. You need Jesus Christ in your life. If you want to have life and be full of hope, love, joy and peace, then you need to invite Jesus Christ into your life. 

Your intentions may be good, but telling someone who's maybe confused, insecure, and in despair that the only solution to their mental illness is religion is downright harmful. This can be the solution for you but it's certainly not the only solution for everyone, despite of your beliefs. Depression is an mental illness and should be treated as such, by medical professionals, not some patronizing, preachy evangelist. 

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Hi Nicki and welcome to the Forums !

     You've been through a lot.  I am so sorry for the suffering you have undergone in your past and the suffering you are undergoing now!  It is really heartbreaking.  Your post brought me to tears.   I think you are very heroic!  Hopefully you will find this site as helpful as I have.  There is something about being able to communicate with people suffering the same or similar things:  there really is no substitute for it in my opinion.  Your post is so moving and poignant and I would like to respond to it in depth but I have tendinitis in my hands which is hurting right now.  So please forgive the brevity of my reply.  My heart goes out to you!  - epictetus

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Thank you to everyone that has replied, I appreciate it very much and it made me feel special x

I am going to try your suggestions as they do sound like they could help me, however not the religion part as I really am not a religious person at all, but thank you for your suggestion JkBrauer. 

I will keep you updated, thanks a million again x

 

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