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jboogs

If There is a God He Must Hate Me

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My whole life has been a complete mess and no matter what I do or try nothing ever gets better.  I grew up in a poor family as one of 8 kids.  At the age of 7 my mother became a hoarder and I began being sexually abused by a male friend the same age as me.  I had no idea what was going on at the time or how to stop it.  The only thing I knew about what was going on was that it was wrong and I couldn't tell anyone.  I am a pretty smart person and was always at the top of my class until about the 7th grade.  The school I had gone to my whole life closed and I had to start all over at a new school.  The first day I walked in a classmate who I had been friends with and played baseball with was just staring me down.  He began to bully me mercilessly and basically turned everyone in my class against me.  My grades began to drop and I would miss school regularly to avoid the bullying.  All the while my mothers hoarding and the sexual abuse continued making matters worse.  Baseball was something that I had always loved and I was good at it.  When I was getting to the age where I was going to be in tournaments and get exposure they changed the eligibility date.  This change made me two days too old to play in the tournaments.  I was crushed.  The summer before high school started I decided to find out for sure if what my friend was doing to me was something I liked or not.  I had never allowed him to kiss me before, but I allowed it.  It was not something I enjoyed.  That was the end of it, but my confidence was shot.  I went into high school depressed and started missing even more school.  My grades dropped and I started losing friends.  By the end of high school I had no friends and was missing 25 days of school per year.  The high school I went to was a prestigious private school with a lot of rich people and I was one of the poor kids.  The bullying was almost unbearable and I didn't want to be alive.  With my confidence shot and having no friends I started at a Community College.  Things got a little better.  I still had no friends, but my grades started getting good enough to get accepted to a 4 year school.  I started the semester and after a month had to drop out.  I couldn't handle being at the school.  I was stay up all night worrying about presentations that were months away.  For the next year I just worked in a lumber yard and started seeing a psychologist.  I went saying that I had social anxiety disorder as I had no idea how to communicate with anyone and just didn't say anything to anyone.  During my time seeing the psychologist I never mentioned my mother's hoarding or the sexual abuse as I was still embarrassed by them.  I started taking antidepressants and things got a little better.  I applied to another school about an hour away from home and was living away for the first time in m to go.  I could barely get interviews for jobs and I never received an offer for the couple of interviews I had as more experienced librarians were taking jobs at much lower pay just to be able to work.  I got a job with a company working three days a week for $12/hr.  So now I have no money and tens of thousands of dollars in student loans.  I work at the company for seven years and meet some great people.  This past year I was even hanging out with a woman who is amazing and even very attractive.  I have no idea how to date women though.  I guess I am still confused from the sexual abuse growing up.  I am a 35 year old virgin with not much experience dating.  The only times I have ever really had a chance to have sex is when I am out and drunk.  In those instances I get so drunk that I can't get an erection for a combination of having no confidence and the mixing of alcohol with the antidepressants.  So instead of ever talking to her or anyone about this I decide to take a job in Florida and basically run away from her.  I finally have a job that pays well and I can begin to pay my bills and have money left over to buy things and do things.  The only problem is I hate it in Florida and can't handle the heat.  After two months I get get so dehydrated one week that I can't go to the bathroom for three days and freak out.  I wake up one morning and basically fall to the floor passed out.  Instead of calling an ambulance or going to the ER I send my bosses an email saying that I quit effective immediately. I just lay on my living room floor until the next day and then it begins to rain and the temperature drops 20 degrees.  I can start to think more clearly again realize what I've done.  So now I've quit my job and have to move back up north to my hoarder mothers dirty house.  I have no money and the girl I was seeing now has has a new boyfriend.  I am alone and broke and have no real prospects for any jobs.  I am a 35 year old virgin and I hate my life.  I don't know why these things always happen to me, but I don't know if I can take it anymore.  I just want something in my life to go right for once.  If there is a God out there He seems to really hate me for some reason.  I have always tried to be a good person and treat others well and work hard at what I do, but nothing ever goes right.  I see people who are complete a******s and have never had to work for anything in their lives succeed and nothing go right for me.  I'm just tired of it all.y life.  The first semester was terrible.  I still had no idea how to make friends and was lonely.  I remember shutting myself in my closet and sleeping in there for a time.  The second semester I decided I needed to do something to make as many friends as possible, so I joined a fraternity.  Things started to get better.  I graduated with a useless degree and had no idea what I wanted to do.  I worked in a warehouse for a year and decided to get my Master's Degree to be a librarian.  Once I graduated the recession began and the librarian jobs were the first things

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The idea of god is much more terrifying when one studies it rather than believing in it. What would be the motives of an all powerful being? Would such a being be recognizable by humanity, or would the works of H.P. Love craft provide a more accurate description? Regardless of your thoughts on the subject of god, humans show their atrocities daily. Hopefully we change more as a species. Hopefully we don't destroy the earth's ecosystems. Many people talk about the end of the world as if it's a mystical thing, but really it happens everyday. Lives are destroyed everyday. People choose to stay hateful. Tribalism reigns. Collectivism appears as an even more toxic alternative to collectivism. But in spite of it all, there are people who are willing to move against their natures, choosing to value the future over today. I've been through some of the worst situations imaginable and met some of the worst of humanity, but I still hope for tomorrow. Maybe it's because I'm a fool for love. Maybe it's because I'm in denial, looking forward to what may never be. Regardless of the truth behind my convictions, I want you to keep living on. Please push forward to your future, no matter what it may be.

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Hi jboogs. Glad you reached out on this forum. I am so sorry that life has been so brutal. In spite of it you have shown strength. ***I am not a medical professional***, but I wonder if clinical depression and anxiety are what you are experiencing. Perhaps it is worthwhile to consider looking towards the future. Are you familiar with certified life coaches and what they do?    

 

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I'm sorry you've had to experience so much

I know what it's like to have so much tragedy happen in life, as you have said of yourself. For most of my life, whenever something good or bad could've happened, something bad always happened

Things started to get better after I started to try to be Christian. It was not as if God hated me before that, and then suddenly started to not hate me

It was that before I tried to be Christian, I lived my life in a way that exposed myself to tragedy. One of the things that has helped me is the importance of not thinking that I deserve a better life than anyone else. I used to always play the victim, thinking that because bad things happened to me, that somehow I deserve a better life

However, that thinking actually prevented me from living a better life, because it prevented me from forgiving those I needed to forgive

Forgiving those I needed to forgive was important because if I didn't forgive, I became bitter

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I'm sorry for all you've been through. I hope things get better for you. I don't believe in religion (but that's my personal opinion) I really hope things get better for you.

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