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Arella

Keeping up appearances but things have never been worse

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I'm about a year out from a divorce (which I wanted), but my life has slipped into a worse state than I've ever thought possible. I've always had depression and anxiety, and an eating disorder, but I'm completely out of control.  On the surface I do what I need to do. I go to work, I interact with people.  Inside, I am crumbling.  I feel  completely alone and like my life is a complete failure. My relationship with my teenage kids has suffered since the divorce. My best friend has disappeared from my life.  I've always felt like the people around me are more successful, more beautiful, more normal.  I look at my own life and it's been one series of failures after another.  I wake up alone and I go to sleep alone.  I have no energy for anything anymore. Even going to the grocery store is a monumental task and I have to wipe away the tears just to make it through.  I sit on the couch for hours and watch mindless tv because I can't focus on anything.  I've always had mild anxiety but it's skyrocketed.  Even handling minor tasks like paperwork is a monumental struggle. I'm on my own financially for the first time in 20 years and even something as simple as paying a bill puts me in a panic attack. I look at the tasks in front of me and completely freeze. I always say..I'll do it tomorrow and leave it sitting there.  

I've been bulimic for 30 something years...or perhaps I would classify myself more as binge/purge, but not every meal.  It gets better or worse depending on my state of mind. At this stage, it's the only thing in my life that I look forward to.  I set my day up so I can have a binge meal or two, then purge.  

I have put off seeing doctors for basic health needs. Part of me thinks that if i ignore it enough, I will eventually get something that isn't curable and it will be my ticket out. The only thing keeping me around is my kids, otherwise I'm not sure I would still be here.

I am on Lexapro but clearly I need to see a dr. I'm just not sure I have it in me to go.

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Hi Arella, I'm really sorry you're going through a rough time. I am too. I can relate to the feeling of little things seeming like giant undertakings. I've reduced my work hours to 3 hours per day, but every day I still take forever to get myself out the door and face the day. Cooking? It's the bare minimum, often just sandwiches. Anyway, I do encourage you to seek help. Do you have a family doctor you see, or a psychiatrist? Maybe you can try to take one small step forward towards booking an appointment? Perhaps just locate the number for the Dr's office as step one? I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and remember you're not alone, and you can get better.

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Hi @Arella I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. I just wanted to encourage you today and tell you, please don't give up. Time has a way of bringing change and as long as there is life there is hope. Take a deep breath and take one day at a time.I think you will benefit from seeing a professional counselor. You are not alone. There can be light at the end of this tunnel. Sending you hugs and blessings.

Edited by Bella_Lee

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Hello Arella,

How are you today?

 

It is OK to feel this way , especially when you have had a tough time... Or perhaps still having a tough time. It feels really terrible to look at one's life and see all the shambles and unending chaos. It will feel like it is never going to be better. But, it really does eventually get better. So, stay fighting!

 

You can make a decision on seeing the doctor by evaluating your symptoms. Or asking for help from a friend or family member who will get you there.  

 

Check if your medication helps you feel better by monitoring before and after use symptoms. If you need to change medications, this is best done in consultation with a doctor. 

 

Cheers and stay strong ...you are stronger and will beat this too.

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