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La Mariposa

You don't need this, you don't need me

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This is honestly just going to be all over the place. A rant. I'm honestly fed-up. 

My family thinks they're helping. They act like they care, but all they do is betray me while my back is turned. They talk behind me. About me. They don't know the first thing about me, so it invites them to do things like snoop through my computer, read all of my facebook messages, try to learn all of my dirty little secrets just because they want and 'need' to know about me. I don't trust them. Not a single one. My mother, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins- they've all betrayed me in some form. Done unforgivable things. Told me to **** myself. Started drama. Demeaned and bullied me. Treated me like less than a dog. And now that I'm grown they think we can be the best of friends and it's all sugar and rainbows. They never once apologized for anything they'd done. Don't get me wrong, I don't want an apology anymore. It would be hollow and pointless because they didn't feel sorry. They did it because I brought it up. They're all self-serving egotists who think they're grand, superior beings. When in actuality, they're all ants and insignificant insects just waiting to leech off of you. I've severed my ties with the majority of them. I'm 20 now. And honestly? I can't take care of myself. I'm dependent and it sucks. 

People tell me to: 'Get a job' (not so much a big deal, I miss working so much), 'Move out' (again, not a big deal. I WANT to move out). But the problem with those two is that I cannot leave my house. I have severe anxiety/depression that gets in the way. I have panic attacks from going outside, from even thinking of going outside. It's debilitating and I start breathing like I have asthma and losing myself in the chaos. My thoughts get really erratic and 'cloudy' and I shut down. I even have to start mumbling to myself to try and keep my focus. 

No one believes I have agoraphobia, anxiety, depression. (I have concerns of BPD but they won't listen) and they'll say things like "Me too". No. Having anxious feelings every once in a while doesn't mean you have anxiety. Anxiety is seeing every variable when you think of doing an action. Sitting there for hours on end staring at nothing and conceiving preposterous, yet seemingly inevitable scenarios of what's to come. Being afraid to be in crowds, near people, places, large spaces you can't escape from, small spaces you can't escape from, getting in lines, doing anything with people and being so uncomfortable to the point that you can only go out at night (when I can. I can't leave my house for months. And honestly? I haven't been properly able to in about 6 months.). 

I want to be alone. But honestly I just know I'll **** myself the moment I move out. And it's not for missing anyone, it's just that my only reason for holding back and not doing it in this house is because I don't want to be a cry for attention. I'm not going to the hospital. Not being revived. Not talking to a doctor/psychiatrist who'll dismiss me again and say something along the lines of it all being in my head or me being difficult or wanting attention. If I wanted attention all of this would be going on Facebook. Or I'd tell family members about it. I'm tired. Tired of hallucinating. Tired of being tired every day. Being unable to do things normal people can. Hallucinating. Getting tactile and auditory hallucinations. Hearing voices. Feeling breathing on the nape of my neck, in my ear, hearing people not there talk to me. Being told it's 'ghosts' or 'spirits' and being led to believe  by my family that I'm 'psychic' or some stupid nonsense. This place doesn't feel real. It's a prison. Compared to the other worlds I've seen/been to, and feeling like this is nothing more than a movie, or an inconvenience that I'm stuck in, I want out. I wanted help. I wanted professional help. But all I got were discount psychiatrists who couldn't give less of a damn about me. And now? Now I'm alone. In my house. Sitting here, typing this. And there's no reason to hold back. But there's also nothing here to help me get an attempt. I have several exit strategies, but I'd have to go outside to get/attempt them. 

I'm seeing my Nurse on the 13th. Going to tell her I quit. I'm done seeking help. Because I haven't been helped. And that I am going to **** myself one day. It's inevitable. I wasn't seeking help for magic pills to make my life better. To prolong my suffering here. To be a martyr for my family because they want to die ahead of me and leave me here, rotting in this hell hole. I don't want to be here. And I don't mean this town, city, province or country- I mean the whole planet and around humans. People don't know my thought process. I'm homicidal about 99.9% of the time. Even if it sounds cruel, (I'm fairly certain/have suspicions of being a sociopath) I want the world to burn. In an ocean of fire, and every last human to fall with it. But I'll settle for leaving it. I'm tired of being around lesser beings all the time. I don't feel like/never have felt I was a human or belonged. This world never once felt worthy of me. 

I just wanted my family to know that I had something wrong before I take my leave from here. This isn't a cry for attention. Some of them believe I'm 'making up' my symptoms, and half the time it feels like I am, too. And I wish I was. I wish they were just something I could make go away. But I can't. 

Hatred kept me going for so long. The disdain for the mortals who ruined my life. They killed my soul, my sense of family, my innocence, my reason to live and love and dared to ask me why I hate them. I set about getting even for a few years. Doing everything I could to spite them and get even. And once that was done, when the final and biggest abuser was gone, I felt empty. Nothing. Absolutely no hatred, anger, sadness, joy- nothing. My purpose was fulfilled years ago. And now I have to enter oblivion. 

I've been sexually assaulted by my step-brother when I was six. Repressed it until sixteen. My step-dad who was his father said: "You're a ****ing liar". 

My mom covered it up. 

He attacked me (same year). Shoved me into a corner. Choked me. I punched his glasses off, and kept hitting him until he let go. My mother wouldn't let me go to school. He attacked me while back turned. And my brother said I attacked him. He lied for him. 

My older brother has always called me 'gay', told me to '**** myself', that 'no one likes you, or would miss you', treated me like absolute for over 2 decades and now suddenly thinks we can be the best of friends. I've even had to call the cops on him because he's that unstable. I can't deal with these people, anymore. They've all royally screwed me and I'm over it. I don't have mercy, compassion or forgiveness. Only contempt and disdain for the people I've had to endure through. 

And like I said before; I don't feel like a human. An AI sometimes, even a God. Which I've read is a part of Bipolar. And I suspect (and a few friends who are in psychiatry/psychology agree with me) but I'll never know. It's not going to be diagnosed because I'm over it. I give up. 

Thanks, for reading. Especially if you stuck through all of this. 

-Mariposa

 

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Mariposa,

It's important to know that you will find very caring people here that wouldn't want you not harm yourself in any way.  You are too important to those around you (whether it seems like it or not).  

It sounds like the first order of business would be to work on getting independent of your family.  It sounds as if they are dragging you down for any number of reasons, and I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much with them.

Are you able to see a counselor or therapist that might be able to work with you regarding the social phobia?  It's important to be able to handle this in order to get out and foster some independence.  Once you are on your own, I don't think you will care what they think about you.  What's important is what you think of yourself.  I think once away from the negative influences, you'll be able to gain the confidence you need and you can start healing.

I'm sure there are many here who can relate to how you feel and I'm sorry you are so down.  Keep posting as I'm sure you will find many wonderful people here who care!

Sincerely,

MaddieLouise

 

 

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I absolutely love your username and have to say you are very well-spoken for somebody your age.  It is refreshing to see such eloquence.

Sadly family isn't everything.  Just because people share the same bloodline doesn't mean you have to tolerate their horrid actions and words.  There is nothing wrong with feeling you can't trust family, especially after you have been wronged.  

Anxiety is absolutely paralyzing and it prevents us from making even the simplest of decisions.  If I ever made a decision during my episodes, I think I would have destroyed every good relationship I have with people and be out a job that I am good at.  You really need out of that house; it is contributing to how you feel, especially wanting to leave this earth, which I like everybody reading and commenting on this do not want you to do.  I know you mentioned why you would not do it in that house, but there is a will to live inside of you.  If there weren't, your homicidal thoughts would have ceased long ago and you would sadly be no longer with us.  While it's not at all good to have those thoughts, please know you are not alone at all in that.

I know you say you're dependent, which is preventing all you from getting out of there, but instead of a psychiatrist you need a therapist.  Really good ones almost act like life coaches guiding you through everything imaginable and if they truly feel you need medication, then they may suggest a psychiatrist.  Therapy was one of the best decisions I had ever made I regret being so resistant to it years ago.  You would also benefit from one as it would be important to talk about what happened with your step-brother and how mean your brother was to you.  

Please know you are amazing and never let your family pull you down or make you feel otherwise.  

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I'm glad you're venting, there is obviously alot of pent up life in you dying to get out. I'm sorry that things have turned out the way they did, reality can be harsh. Like you I'm the product of a chaotic enviornment which left me isolated and in shambles. I am away from the toxic people now but unfortunately the damage done lingers, turning me into my own worst enemy. Basic things like relationships, jobs, and driving I have no experience with, my instability and disdain left no room for such experiences.

So yeah I get where you're coming from unfortunately. However there is some good in this world and it's worth fighting for. You are capable of rising from your ashes and molding this reality into something more enjoyable. Believe in the positive possibilities of yourself and roll the dice a few more times, who knows what may come up. Below I'll paste a poem of mine called Beyond the Void. If my words speak to you feel encouraged to reach out, I'll be here.

Wobbling on the edge of utter desolation,
 Where thoughts of death become a fascination.
 I take a step backwards and continue to sway,
 Is this the final hand that I will play?

 While what lays behind me is probably eternal rest,
 Is this decision the very best?
 Death is certain and that much I know,
 However there is still life in me left to flow.

 Perhaps this anguish can evolve,
 Maybe this question isn't impossible to solve.
 If I pay a visit to the abyss,
 There are so many things here that I will miss.

 Some things good and some things bad,
 Joyful events and those which are sad.
 When will this perspective shift?
 I desperately need my spirits to lift.

 I look in the mirror and remember every scar,
 The result of my despair I need not look far.
 Thoughts race through me, shackles tighten,
 I scream and then peculiarly my sense of awareness begins to heighten.

 A new thought washes through my being,
 I take a second glance in the mirror unsure of what I'm seeing.
 The burden within me feels far lighter,
 A winning result for this righteous fighter.

 The ground stops shaking and I gain some composure,
 Taking a step towards what was once an enclosure.
 Shadows fade away revealing what they left in the dark,
 Being pulled forward my soul begins to embark.

Edited by Somethingwitty

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Wow i dont even know where to start with my response. I wish we could all help you somehow!! Ive been trough a lot of what you have so I knwo how awful it can be. Its sucks because only the people that are going trough it know how disabilatating it can. I havent really left ny house on months because being outaode also amps up my depersonalization and it sucks. I wish your family werent such jerks I really hope you find the help you need and you can find people that help!! It posting here helps you please keep doing it ! I know sometimes venting aliviates the pain a little 

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