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A lack of real feelings


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29/5/17

 

I can sit and watch the world go by without even seeing it. 

I can look at my reflection in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back at me.

I can feel both so much and so little all at the same time, yet I can't feel what those feeling are trying to tell me. I couldn't tell you what's going on in my brain, or which type of chemicals are flowing in my bloodstream to induce some feeling.

 

But it takes so little to bring me crashing back down to reality. 

Then everything returns to normal.

I smile, I laugh, I feel...

My friends and family take me back to a life of normality and I can live it without even thinking about that girl who is unsure about anything and everything.

But all that does is make me question. Everything. I cannot help but look back in the mirror and in my reflection all I see is a girl making excuses. A  girl who is just ungrateful for all the opportunities she's been given, and the opportunities she's wasting. 

There's a spark in her eye that hasn't quite gone out yet, a spark from not too long ago, but far enough away that it seems like an eternity to her. She occasionally feels the spark ignite further and it warms her to new ideas, encourages her to work harder, live more in reality. But the spark never quite becomes a flame to fuel her. She eventually loses sight of it again, and she becomes dark again, with no light to guide her. She wastes away her chances and time like she has an infinite amount, but she isn't stupid. So one feeling she does have left is regret. Regret for everything she knows she is capable of yet cannot seem to reach. Whilst she plans her future one step at a time she is already preparing herself to see it blown away at a pace she cannot keep up with, she chases it everyday, but its always one step ahead. Her blind faith keeps her running but with little hope she doesn't see how she will ever catch up. She doesn't see how she can be blown along with her dreams and fly away with them. She just sees the ground...

 

She hears voices that say they don't want to do this anymore. They're too tired from running everyday. It's been at least a year, with very few day for rest and recuperation. The voices tell her she should just give up, but she doesn't believe in that. All she wants is to remove herself from herself, to just be without being, feel without feeling.

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It is said that no tree can reach heaven unless its roots extend to hell. Meaning you can turn this despair into a catalyst for growth if you but water the right idea. Plant yourself firmly in the present and shed your regret for the past and anxiety for the future. Those things need not apply to now. Monitor your thoughts, watching as they come and go. Also making a mantra may help, you could say something like I'm in control here, I'm not going to let this get me down, I'm not going to let this destroy me. I'm coming back and I'll be stronger and better because of it. Make a stand against the forces of evil which would seek to repress your spirit. There are many things deep within us which we have forgotten. I think it's time you take a second look at things and ask yourself what you forgot. You may be surprised as to what you uncover. Always remember there's some good in this world and it's worth fighting for. Feel better buddy, take comfort knowing you're not bound to this perspective.

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 John 2:15-17King James Version (KJV)

15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever

 

 

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12 hours ago, Invisible Princess said:
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29/5/17

 

I can sit and watch the world go by without even seeing it. 

I can look at my reflection in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back at me.

I can feel both so much and so little all at the same time, yet I can't feel what those feeling are trying to tell me. I couldn't tell you what's going on in my brain, or which type of chemicals are flowing in my bloodstream to induce some feeling.

 

But it takes so little to bring me crashing back down to reality. 

Then everything returns to normal.

I smile, I laugh, I feel...

My friends and family take me back to a life of normality and I can live it without even thinking about that girl who is unsure about anything and everything.

But all that does is make me question. Everything. I cannot help but look back in the mirror and in my reflection all I see is a girl making excuses. A  girl who is just ungrateful for all the opportunities she's been given, and the opportunities she's wasting. 

There's a spark in her eye that hasn't quite gone out yet, a spark from not too long ago, but far enough away that it seems like an eternity to her. She occasionally feels the spark ignite further and it warms her to new ideas, encourages her to work harder, live more in reality. But the spark never quite becomes a flame to fuel her. She eventually loses sight of it again, and she becomes dark again, with no light to guide her. She wastes away her chances and time like she has an infinite amount, but she isn't stupid. So one feeling she does have left is regret. Regret for everything she knows she is capable of yet cannot seem to reach. Whilst she plans her future one step at a time she is already preparing herself to see it blown away at a pace she cannot keep up with, she chases it everyday, but its always one step ahead. Her blind faith keeps her running but with little hope she doesn't see how she will ever catch up. She doesn't see how she can be blown along with her dreams and fly away with them. She just sees the ground...

 

She hears voices that say they don't want to do this anymore. They're too tired from running everyday. It's been at least a year, with very few day for rest and recuperation. The voices tell her she should just give up, but she doesn't believe in that. All she wants is to remove herself from herself, to just be without being, feel without feeling.

Beautifully said!  I can relate very well.  Sounds like you have lots of insite.  My med has basically made me feel the same way.  My highs are never very high and my lows are seldom low.  My life is sort of a purgatory that is void of fulfillment.  

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21 hours ago, Cheddarhead said:

Beautifully said!  I can relate very well.  Sounds like you have lots of insite.  My med has basically made me feel the same way.  My highs are never very high and my lows are seldom low.  My life is sort of a purgatory that is void of fulfillment.  

Thank you for your reply. Just out of interest what makes you think I have lots of insite and on what exactly? It's nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't feel sad enough to be sad. 

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Just now, Invisible Princess said:

Thank you for your reply. Just out of interest what makes you think I have lots of insite and on what exactly? It's nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't feel sad enough to be sad. 

 

23 hours ago, Somethingwitty said:

It is said that no tree can reach heaven unless its roots extend to hell. Meaning you can turn this despair into a catalyst for growth if you but water the right idea. Plant yourself firmly in the present and shed your regret for the past and anxiety for the future. Those things need not apply to now. Monitor your thoughts, watching as they come and go. Also making a mantra may help, you could say something like I'm in control here, I'm not going to let this get me down, I'm not going to let this destroy me. I'm coming back and I'll be stronger and better because of it. Make a stand against the forces of evil which would seek to repress your spirit. There are many things deep within us which we have forgotten. I think it's time you take a second look at things and ask yourself what you forgot. You may be surprised as to what you uncover. Always remember there's some good in this world and it's worth fighting for. Feel better buddy, take comfort knowing you're not bound to this perspective.

This is a beautiful sentiment but I definitely feel bound to the perspective and have done for a while now. 

All I ever want from these posts are kind and beautiful words as I hope my attempt at them helps others. I hope they don't come across as affection seeking. 

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8 hours ago, Invisible Princess said:

Thank you for your reply. Just out of interest what makes you think I have lots of insite and on what exactly? It's nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't feel sad enough to be sad. 

Perhaps introspective is a better word?  Some people choose to never look inside themselves.  You have a unique perspective I can relate to.  I don't feel your attention seeking in the least.  Just thought your post was rather cool.

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