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Patches101

I think I've screwed up my life beyond repair

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This is the hardest thing to admit, but I'm at a point where I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to do anymore. I am a 27 yr old male living at home who dropped out of senior year of college at 21. Not that I officially dropped out, I just stopped going to classes. I developed major depression as well as a period of bad drug abuse which led me to not finishing my degree. The worst part is, I lied about it to my family and friends and made it seem like I had graduated, because the shame of admitting I failed was too much. Over the next few years I was pretty lucky and was able to find employment in my field even without a degree, and I thought I could just wing it through life since I had been doing it so far. But about two years ago my employment options dried up as more and more jobs required a degree which I did not have. I once again fell into a deep depression for 2 years and counting. I have a low paying part time job at the moment and I want to go back to school, but the fear of failure, the fear of going into major debt, and the fear of having to admit my failure to get a degree the first time around is extremely paralyzing. I feel frozen, unable to make a decision, and it has left me in this dark place for the last 2 years that I am unable to get out of. I have stopped talking to my friends entirely, I have gained over 100 lbs. (I have struggled with weight my whole life), and I think about suicide constantly. Worst of all, I did this all to myself. I am a liar who is too cowardly to even tell my parents the truth. I feel like I am such a burden to them, and with my dad retired and my mom soon to be retired, the panic of not being able to support myself or prepare myself for life is massive. I escape by absorbing myself into the internet and media, and now have developed a drinking habit. Things are going downhill fast, yet I continue to lie to my friends and family to make it seem like I have a plan for life when all I want to do is die. I am 27 years old with no college degree, hardly any work experience, and almost no life skills. Most of my friends are married, have graduate degrees, and have bought houses by now. I feel like a total loser and a complete failure and don't see any future for myself. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me as I have caused all this myself. But I don't know what to do or where to begin. Admitting to my parents I never graduated will destroy them. I'd rather be dead than have them know their son is a disgusting liar and coward. 

Edited by grod4L

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Hiya,

It's nice to meet you, and l'm sorry to hear how much you are hurting. I hope l'm not speaking out of line, but l only have this post to go by. Depression in itself is an evil illness, but that aside l think your only fault is the pressure that you put yourself under.  I am a parent myself, and l do a pretty good job consdering how l was raised, so l know that good loving parents want the best for their kids. Indeed as parents we sometimes make mistakes, often it is fear based, so we may push a child in the wrong direction, or deter them from a potential danger thinking it is for their best. However, a loving parent would want to know and support their child if they were going through anything. Sure they would probably be shocked, maybe even angry, likely hurt, after all they are human and they are just emotions. That wouldn't mean they loved or thought less of you.  Degrees, jobs, possessions are not what define you, are not what makes you worth something.

I think you should be impressed that you have managed so well without a degree. I can't advise you on a loan or options ref that, as I think it's a personal choice. I do think it would be easier to make the right choices if you stopped beating yourself up, you're being really unreasonable on yourself. I also think if you opened up to at least your parents, they could help you have a more honest perspective.

 

We all make mistakes, big, ugly, eyesores. Shows you're learning. You'll unfreeze, when you stop being afraid to make a mistake. Look what you over came and fighting - drugs, depression....

You're 27, it may not seem like it, but you have so much time and opportunity ahead of you. 

Weight and drink, well these are side effects, self medicating, if you have beat drugs you can beat drink. Weight will come off with the drink probably. I don't think a bit of weight makes a person unattractive, it is sensible to look after your health though.

I have an addictive personality too, my vice was smoking. Have you thought about finding a healthy addiction.  I latched on to mantra and qigong. Is there a sport/exercise/hobby you could lose yourself? Because it is escapism we're after isn't it when we do all these things.

 

 

 

 

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It sounds like you have a lot of guilt from lying to your parents. The only thing that will take care of that is to come clean to them. And then go back to school and finish. You are young, you still have plenty of time. I am 43 and about to graduate college. I regret not finishing when I was your age. Telling the truth to your parents and returning to school may be the motivation to you need to change your path. 

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Hey grod,

I am 30 and am living at home and rely on my parents for money, support etc. I just got a seasonal job so that's something. But I have been so screwed up from depression/anxiety that I simply can't function. You can get decent jobs without a degree. Everyone tells you that a degree is essential but it's not. I have plenty of friends who graduated and weren't able to get jobs with their degree. Make baby steps and start with easy obtainable goals. A lot of people struggle with similar issues so don't get so down on yourself. So many of us are debilitated and struggling with life. Things will work out one way or another so try to keep your chin up!

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Hi grod,

I was just randomly browsing on different forums and wasn't planning to sign up but couldn't help it when I read your post.  

I am sorry about how you're feeling.  I have been depressed myself but not to the extent where I was suicidal and that was hard as it is - this must be very tough for you.  I am currently working full time, going to school part time and having relationship problems.  I've been having issues at work on and off for the last two years and it's been difficult to juggle this emotionally with the stress from school and my "it's complicated" relationship/non-relationship state.  My entire family is oversees so I am handling this on my own.  I can understand what you mean when you say you feel like you're drowning... I feel this myself most of the time.  A lot of times I get tired of life, because there's too much to handle and I just want to sleep forever.... but I don't.  I'm still alive and I won't allow myself to feel like this.

For the going back to school part, are you able to take just a few units at a time and not rush it, so it would be easy on your pocket (and energy)?  You said you have a part time job, are you able to take another one?  You are young and you have plenty of time.  Just to let you know, I have classmates who are in their 40s and have kids.  I don't think it's healthy for us to compare ourselves to our friends -- I tend to do that myself.  I noticed that I feel more down about myself when I see them/their lives on social media, because of this I disabled it.  I also distanced myself for a while from social activities while I tried to feel good about myself again.  I am 33 now, but no kids and not married... but hey, I can do a headstand :D I learned a lot of things and was able to work through my depression when I stopped comparing myself to others.

I think you're beating yourself up too much about being a failure.  

Quote

o my parents I never graduated will destroy them. I'd rather be dead than have them know their son is a disgusting liar and coward. 

I'm sure if you communicate to your parents what you've typed on here, they will be more compassionate than you think.  I've made mistakes in the past which is why I'm here where I'm in now.  My mom criticized me for it in the beginning, but she's more supportive now.  It will be difficult to get back on your feet because it will take work, but you should see it as something you have to go through to get where you want to be.   

 

      

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I'm sorry to hear your suffering I can really relate as when I was in university I had an untreated severe anxiety disorder that nearly caused me to flunk school and I gained over 80 pounds very quickly.   It was one of the darkest times if my life but that's not how my life is anymore !

 

  don't give up now. You have the ability to change your life and stil fulfill your dreams.   Sometimes we go through a hard time and make mistakes and sometimes we are fighting a pain so big it derails our life. But that is all temporary If you choose and don't let depression or anyone tell you you have no choice. That voice saying you have no choice is an evil thing and it's not true. Tell it to shut up !

Sit your parents down, fess up about the degree and ask for their support to help you get back on track. Get yourself to a doctor for depression, get a treatment plan started and find a good therapist that u like. 

Download some positive encouraging podcasts and audiobooks and immerse yourself in them. Find people's stories abojt those who were In a similar situation as you but managed to turn it around and are now successful. Read and learn as much as u can abojt depression. 

You can do this!! Try to perceive Where u are right now as a starting point for a journey of incredible changes and not as your final destiny . 

 

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Reading your post there is a huge sense of guilt. In order to make any in-roads long term, you have to allow yourself to forgive yourself. That is a difficult process as I would reckon a lot of us on the forums have this problem. But it can be done. Ask yourself was there anything malicious that you did, but again, depression makes us think that we are guilty.

You can recover from this, but it will take a bit of soul baring to friends and family to move on. I think you want to do this though and we are all here to help if you want it. You do need the help that can be got to turn things around. It is depression lying to you saying that your life is ruined - it isn't! You've taken a big step by admitting to us here that you do need help - now take it a step further by asking the people that matter for their help.

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