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No friends. No hope. No future.


Cherry2

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I’ve struggled with depression and social anxiety for so long (almost 10 years) and I’ve come to the conclusion that things will never get better.

A few months ago I started taking antidepressants and they turned me into a completely different person. I'm usually shy and reserved but whilst on antidepressants I became moody and dis-inhibited. I started binge drinking multiple times a week and along with that made some very self-destructive choices. One night while I was black-out drunk I created a huge scene and overdosed and my friends had to call an ambulance.I keep having flashbacks of all the stupid things I said and did during this period. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I keep thinking that everyone knows every bad thing that I did and they have this image of being this crazy, attention-seeking girl. 

Shortly after all this happened, I dropped out of  university.  My friends, who I thought would be around for a lifetime, no longer talk to me. None of them have even asked me how I'm doing. In fact, they no longer text or call at all. It's as if they've collectively decided that they don't want me around. I am so hurt. I understand that they must have become tired of all the drama that was beginning to surround me. I've apologised so many times. I wish they'd try to understand what I was going through and forgive me but I’ve realised that they just don’t care. I have nobody left. 

My future seems hopeless too. Even the most ordinary things like having a job or being able to maintain any kind of relationship seems like too much of a struggle for me. There's nothing that makes the struggle worth it. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I have no goals or desires or talents either.  My life is empty. I’m only living for my parents because seeing their reaction after I overdosed made me realise how much it would hurt them if I killed myself. 


I don’t know what else to do anymore. I've tried everything. Eating healthy, exercising, meditating, medication, therapy. I’ve tried so hard so many times but nothing has helped and now I’ve given up. I want my life to be over. I’ve had these problems for too long and changing would require me to change my whole personality which feels impossible. I don’t have the motivation to fight anymore.

 

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Do you drive? If so, how about taking yourself out for a drive somewhere, anywhere really?  I ended up going to a park, going for a walk and connecting with nature.  It felt pretty good and I had left my phone in my car to "disconnect", not really from calls or texts because like you I don't get very many of those, but to prevent myself from surfing online on my phone.

How about catching a movie by yourself?  Actually did it a few weeks ago, felt good to keep my mind occupied.

Diego's suggestion isn't bad either, maybe try to reconnect with your friends, start the spark see what happens.  Maybe it'll work out for the better.

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